JD's Space

Bring Every Holy Answer Low And Hear!!!

2005-06-06T03:36:00.000-07:00

Munda cor meum omnipotens Behalah calculo mundasti ignito

My eyes have been opened, and I have truly seen for the first time. The truth is almost too much to bear. I feel myself splitting, fracturing into a thousand pieces of consciousness, and I feel my mind, my poor mind which is too small to grasp the totality of existence, slowly forgetting what I have seen with my own two eyes. I have stared into the Abyss, and the Abyss opened an eye. The twisting Chaos writhed there, it’s tentacled, wet, bulbous mass shifting and growing, ever changing. It seemed to grow larger, or perhaps I smaller in its magnificent presence. The beauty, the horror, the sheer terror. It was glorious to behold.

Vidi aquam egredientem de templo

Even now, the memory of the moment fades, the moment when I truly saw what it was, and began to understand the enormity of it, and the smallness of man. Now I see how laughably absurd mankind is. We are nothing. We are less than nothing. We are but the smallest specks of dust on an infinite beach of sand. Our world, our culture, our lives, our works, our pleasures, all these things are transient, and shall pass away. But the mighty Behalah shall exist forever.

Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum.

That which has no beginning, cannot have an ending. Behalah, lord and master, destroyer of worlds, desolater and devourer. The Beast that walks in shadows shall reign forever. It is all around us, in the shadows, in the dark corners of our world, it is there, watching, waiting, planning with infinite patience. It’s ways are not ours to understand. The Beast. The glorious, Horrifying Beast. It will come for me, and I will open my arms, my veins, my shallow husk of a body, and receive it with gratitude.

Introibo ad altare Behalah: ad Deum

The Beast Cometh.

My Master!

My Lord!

Veni perditor occisor omnipotens aeterne Deus Behalah et benedic hoc sacrificum tuo sancto nomini praeparatum

Please!!!

2005-06-05T23:58:00.000-07:00

I'm so scared. I'm cold, and I'm scared.

What's happening to me?

Behalah Will Come!

2005-06-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

The Beast will come for us, and we will receive it. We will open up our throats and give our life blood for it to drink. The infant God shall reward us. The Chaos and destruction will come, and the Whisperer will know who I am. I wish to be embraced by it’s terrible darkness. I can hear it. The voice calls to me from the dark abyss, the chasm. I stare into it, and see myself. My name is written in the book that came to me, through paths winding. The bridge has been built, and shall never be torn, between this sphere and it’s own realm.

It will come.

God Save Me!!!

2005-06-02T03:49:00.000-07:00

It calls me into the darkness, and I hear and obey.

God somebody help me!

It calls me into the darkness, and I hear and obey.

Please, make this stop! God, please, anyone, please!

It calls me into the darkness, and I hear and obey.

I’m so scared! God please, please help me!

It calls me into the darkness, and I hear and obey.

I can’t feel myself, I am forgetting myself, God what is happening?

It calls me into the darkness, and I hear and obey.

It calls me into the darkness, and I hear and obey.

It calls me into the darkness, and I hear and obey.

It calls me into the darkness, and I hear and obey.

The Beast Shall SDKJLKGFEA!!!

2005-06-01T14:57:00.000-07:00

Even now, as I breath in this place, the fear, the stink of fear, is everywhere. But I am not afraid, not like the others. I shall perform my role, prove my greatness, and then Beahalah shall kdjlskdjfl kjlskdjfl sdlfkj sldkjflskdjf slkdfjlskfjiwueghijwenf,amvnajdhf ;alkf aaldkfn ajkfh aslkf al;kfh asklfaskdfjlkjeb aklfj al dfjdfjsdj fkdj slkdj ojwmans ohemen oijrklgn lrkj gorh lanlksnm dkjsh kajhwlajks l;asm bvihgsdua asl,xm zlkxh aigskaqnwlasmcljchv iiuh alk lajsh iaj

IT COMES! I HEAR IT! IT COMES!!!!

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What is Happening to Me?

2005-05-31T22:03:00.000-07:00

I can’t think straight anymore. I’m having trouble remembering things. Like where I’ve been recently. The last couple of days are complete blanks. Every once in a while, a memory, a smell, or a taste, will flash through my mind like a jolt of electricity. My brain, my head, feels like it’s gong to explode. I am so anxious, I can’t sit still. I stand and pace, but the anxiety won’t leave. This is what true misery is.

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to die? I’ve thought a lot about suicide, especially lately, when I’m myself. Maybe I should do it. End this whole mess. End it all. No more pain. No more fear. No more terror and anxiety. No more anything. Just the sweet peace of nothingness. When does life drive you to the point of desperation, to the point of no return, where everything is so horrible, that you’d rather not feel anything at all, ever again? I think I’m getting to that point.

!ON

Yes I think that’s what needs to happen now. !SIHT WOLLA TON LLIW I That’s what I tell myself, and then when I try to think of a way, cutting my wrists, or something, I lack the courage to do it. Even when I see a way out, I’m t!SRUO SI HSELF SIHo scared to even do it. Look at how pathetic I am. I can’t even end this.!REVEROF SU HTIW MAERD LLIW EH God, what am I going to do? What am I going to do?

Naming the Forgotten One

2005-05-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

The Beast has many names: the Devourer in the Darkness, the Ever Open Eye, the Crawling Chaos, the Forgotten Faceless One, the Watcher of Worlds, the Shifter in the Shadows. It knows my name. I have looked into the darkness, and I have seen myself in it. The Beast will come for me, and I will not fight it. I will embrace it.

peeD kcalB ehT

2005-05-29T00:46:00.000-07:00

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Help Me!

2005-05-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

God help me, I think I’m losing it again. I don’t really remember the last couple of days. I haven’t slept in such a long time, and I’m terrified of everything. What the hell is happening to me? My arms are all cut up and raw. My apartment smells awful, but as soon as I leave, I feel this terrible panic rising up slowly in my gut, and I have to run back here. I hate this place.
I can hear things moving around me, speaking to me, sometimes shouting. I tried calling Erik, but he didn’t answer his phone. God only knows where he is in all of this. I called my therapist, and she told me to do my relaxation tapping, take my medication, and to go back to sleep. She said a relapse was to be expected, or something like that. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Am I really insane? Or is this all real? God, I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know anymore.

Whispers

2005-05-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

Your God is dead. There is only Behalah.

2005-05-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

They speak to me, those that dwell in the darkness. Their message was unclear at first, but now I am beginning to understand. They speak of the Watcher of Worlds, Behalah. It is the name of the thing that they worship. I can hear them, chattering away, and the longer I listen to the clicking and chewing of their voices, the more I can understand.
And with understanding comes freedom. Not the kind of freedom one would expect, but the freedom to know and understand that man, in all his elegant and destructive glory, is nothing. We are but collections of bone, tissue, and blood, and one day we will be nothing. But Behalah, the Terrible One, the Destroyer of Worlds, it (if Behalah can really be defined as an “it”) shall live on into the eternities.

It is only my place to live out my time on this sphere. To worship the Beast in it’s manifestation in this place. I saw one of them. Last night, I was trying to sleep, and I heard them, the faceless, speaking to me from the darkness. I strained my ears to listen, and understand them, and in the darkness I saw them, moving, writhing, wrapping around each other in orgiastic ecstasy. I hope they will come again to me tonight. Where once I was afraid, now I yearn for them to come to me, like a lover yearns for their mate.

More Blood

2005-05-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning, and there was blood all over my sheets. I don’t know where it came from. My hands had blood on them, as did quite a bit of my chest, it was drying and sticky, but I couldn’t find a cut anywhere on my body. I mean, where else could it have come from?
I must have been sleep walking again as well. There were these weird symbols drawn on the walls of my room, and I’m not sure what to make of it. I called my Mom, and she just told me to take my medicine, and if I feel like I need it, to call my therapist and talk to her. Like that does anything. Oh well. The strange thing is, about six months ago, had something like this happened to me, I would have been completely freaked out, but now, well, I guess I’m getting used to all this weird stuff that’s going on.

I have a splitting headache. It feels like I was slamming the back of my head against a brick wall or something. It’s intensely painful. I need to pop some aspirin, and get my room cleaned up. Life is such a messy thing these days.

2005-05-24T13:08:00.000-07:00

The days bleed into the nights. My eyes sting all the time now. I’m so tired. But I can’t sleep. That’s when they come to me, when I sleep. So I must stay awake. If I sleep, I will die.
They speak to me more frequently now, like a whispering around the edge of my consciousness. I know they are there. I know they watch me, here what I say. Maybe even what I think. I don’t know how to get away from them. So I just sit in my room, to scared to move.

They are coming. I can hear them. They are coming!

The Beast Will Come

2005-05-23T21:56:00.000-07:00

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2005-05-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

Man, sometimes I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Like yesterday. What in the world does that entry mean? I guess I shouldn’t log in and write in this blog when I haven’t slept in ages, and am completely burned out. I was probably half way dreaming anyway.

I’m going over to Erik’s in a bit, for another Halo 2 blood fest. It should be fun. There are rumors flying about the new X-Box coming out in November of this year. Who knows if it’s true, but if it is, well, that means I will be in “nerdvana”. Hopefully I can comvince my Mom to get one for me for Christmas, assuming I don’t have a job by then, and can’t afford to buy one for myself, like a big boy.

!htemoC tsaeB ehT

So other than that, not much to report. I’m feeling a bit better, although I still am plagued by headaches. One day at a Time I suppose.

Awake or Asleep?

2005-05-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

Weird dreams and colors seem to haunt my waking mind. Half sleeping through my days is finally starting to take it's toll on my exhausted brain. Obviously, I'm still not feeling quite like myself, but I guess that's to be expected. At least I still remember who I am, although lately I'm feel like I'm forgetting, like when you just wake up froma dream, and you know it was something significant, but the harder you try to remember, the more quickly it disappears. Maybe I'm slowly losing myself, being reborn, into a new form, like a butterfly. It's the strangest feeling, and at frist it was frightening, but now, well, now I look forward to it. A new start, a new me, someone who doesn't have to take his pills every morning to feel OK, and someone who can hold a steady job. Now I can feela slight burning in the back of my head, as if something is slowly eating away at my brain, only it's more than that, like something is eating away at my mind. Don't get me wrong though, it isn't a bad thing.

Who else can say they've been given the oppourtunity i have been? How many people walk in the real world and in their dreams at the same time? Yesterday I met one of the messengers, and he spoke with me. And even though at first I was terrified by his appearance, and woried that I was slowly losing myself again, instead of fighting what I saw, I let it wash over me, and as soon as I stopped fighting, I felt a peace I have never felt before. Mankind is on the cusp of it's own destruction, or so the messenger told me, and I was givena choice. I can't tell you what that choice was, because the messenger made me swear to secrecy, but I made my choice. And I can feel the change, it's in the air, something intangible, like an electric charge. Language can't really describe what's happening to me, but I feel like my senses have been sharpened, I can smell more, see more, feel more, hear more. I feel truly alive for the first time in along time, and am acutely aware of what that means. Vain ambitions used to cloud my mind, but now? Everything is finally clear to me.

Scared and Tired

2005-05-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning, and there was something crusty on my lips. I started brushing it off, and it was crusty brown stuff. I looked down at my pillow, and it had dried blood soaked into it. I could taste the salty iron taste of blood in my mouth, so I ran to the bathroom, and sure enough, my mouth was full of blood. I rinsed my mouth out, and grabed a flashlight. I couldn't see any cuts anywhere in my throat, but it was red, and inflamed. It hurt to swallow, and felt like something was scraping steal wool down my throat everytime I did.

So I'm generally pretty miserable today. I'm not sure what to do. I mean, if could have just been a nose bleed, that leaked back my throat and came out my mouth, instead of my nostrils. I want to avoid goign to the doctor though. They'll just read throgh my files, and make me go back to the hospital for observation, to make sure I'm not hurting myself again. I know I'm not. I'm starting to think I never was.

The thing is, it seems like modern psychology is just another religion. Another belief system. Instead of blame being placed on ghosts, or God, or ancient demons, or greek gods, it's blamed on the little chemicals in the brain. But the brain is such a complex thing, I often wonder how much of the improvements people see in psychology are due to the placebo effect, and how much is due to the actual chemistry? Medicine has the same preachers, shouting from the rooftops that all other beliefs are irrational, and only theirs are the true miracles. And in the end, who can say who's right or wrong?

All I know is, I'm tired of all this crap. I just want to be back to my good old self, no more weird voices, no more scary sounds, no more bad dreams. I just want things to go back to the way they were. But I know they probably never will. I can only move forward, and learn.

Erik Confirmed It!

2005-05-18T15:25:00.000-07:00

I missed a week! What in the world is going on? He said he cmae by to see if I was still interested in going to paintball, but I didn't answer my door. He figured I just went to visit my Mom again or something. Man this is just bizarre. Its such a strange feeling, not knowing if your brain is OK, or if its just the world thats screwed up, and in reality, you're the only sane one left? That's the tricky part of perception. Reality is defined by the majority, not necessarily those who perceive it corectly.

Man, I have a headache. I need some rest. It feels like something is burning its way through my skull. Not much fun, and it's hard to concentrate.

What the HELL!?!?!?!?!?!?!

2005-05-17T02:12:00.000-07:00

According to my computer, it's now May 17th, and it's 2 in the morning! I went to bed on May 9th, and what the hell, I wake up a week later?!?!?! At first I thoguht it must have been a glitch in my computer, or something, but even all the internet websites, like CNN, etc, say it's May 17th. I mean, unless someone is palying an elaborate joke on me or something.

Seriously, I'm freaking out right now.

I mean, God, what the hell is going on? I'm having all these totally screwed up dreams. Jesus, what the hell is wrong with me? I'm scared again. I mean, who knows if this will happen again? Where was I that whole time? Did I just sleep? For a week? That can't be right. What the hell is going on?

Man, I need to go for a walk or something! I can't think!

I'll write some more later!!!

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2005-05-16T22:42:00.000-07:00

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2005-05-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

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2005-05-14T03:01:00.000-07:00

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2005-05-13T18:48:00.000-07:00

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2005-05-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXlater!

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2005-05-11T01:08:00.000-07:00

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2005-05-10T14:37:00.000-07:00

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I Can't Think Straight Today!

2005-05-09T17:52:00.000-07:00

Hello Everybody! Sorry I haven't updated for a bit. Sometimes I find flesym forgetting to do much of anything. Hopefully things will continue to improve for me, and I won't feel so much like I'm fighting a gnisol battle. But I've been pushed to the brink of my mental capacity, and have come back form that edge. How many other people can make that claim? Not many I suspect.

m'I doing well though. I'm a bit tired, and so that can slowly begin to wear away at my brain (or at least, that's what it feels like). I'm excited for this saturday. Erik has invited em to play some paintball with some friends of his, since the weather is getting a bit warmer. I've never gone before, but I've been told to wear a sweatsuit to protect my body better, since the paintballs can sting a bit through just a regular t-shirt. So hopefully that will pleh ease my pain, as I'll be the only new person there, and thus, an easy target. Hopefully my pounding headache will have gone away by then. esaeLP, please, please let my headache be gone by then. I'm getting so sick of it.

But if I do like this paintball thing, then maybe I'll have to own my own paintball gun. It looks like a really fun sport.

Shoot, ydobemos is knocking on my door, and I need to run to the grocery store for some more totino's pizza's (the staple of any healthy diet). Until later!

Today!

2005-05-09T00:16:00.000-07:00

Straight

2005-05-08T02:56:00.000-07:00

Think

2005-05-07T10:03:00.000-07:00

Can't

2005-05-06T23:39:00.000-07:00

I

2005-05-05T14:29:00.000-07:00

Long Days and Longer Nights

2005-05-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

Man my head is still in pain Its not nearly as bad as it was before its kind of subsided into a dull ache but its still pretty awful Im pretty sick and tired of not feeling well all the time I feel like I hardly ever sleep anymore and I have been reading too many books these days Ive been studying the behalah book which is still really interesting but Im not any closer to knowing what it is or where it came from

I continue to have really bizarre dreams that are extremely vivid and extremely disturbing Last night I was being slowly devoured inside of a giant stomach I know that sounds crazy but it was very realistic and it really hurt The acid smelled terrible I wonder if my subconscious mind is trying to communicate something with me

Bring every holy answer low and hear

Well I guess thats all for now Until later!

I Can't Sleep Misery...

2005-05-02T04:16:00.000-07:00

I HAVE THE WORST HEADACHE EVER!!!! IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!

Excerpt From The Book

2005-05-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

Here is an excerpt from the “The Book of the Prayers of the Master”. (on page 167 it refers to itself by saying “…the words written here, in the book of the prayers of the master.” So I can finally stop calling it “the Behalah Book”!).

“…and then shall those who appose the truth be devoured by the beasts of the field. Their skin shall be torn, their flesh eaten, and their eyes shall run from their sockets, and the fields shall be filled with the smell of death and decay, and their bodies shall reach towards the heavens, the terrible great ruin shall be upon the face of the whole earth. And in that day, the sun shall not show her face, and the trees will be burnt as stubble, and the earth shall return to her primitive form, and all living things shall bow before thee, Behalah, Master of all things, the faceless one, the traveler, the devourer of worlds. Come swiftly, my master, and let us be reborn into death…”

“…and as I stood at the precipice, I beheld the darkness which was before me, and it was terrible and great. And in the darkness, I heard the whisperings of life and death, and I saw the eyes of Behalah, the great and terrible. And I knew the abyss, and I saw the abyss, and I was the abyss. And behold, all shall come to Behalah, all shall come to know the darkness. All shall bow before it, or shall be destroyed by thy mighty winds of fury.”

Not Feeling Well

2005-04-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

Sorry I didn’t etirw anything yesterday. I’ve been really sick, nauseous and dizzy, and it’s made efil miserable. I’ve slept a lot, and I probably will go back to bed after I finish siht update. I don’t know why m’I feeling so sick. Maybe I caught a virus or something. It skcus. I haven’t been throwing up though, it’s just kind of a headache, and lightheadedness.

Other than that, there’s not much to troper. I’ve been reading the Behalah book again. It’s so interesting, and so hard to understand, esuaceb so much of it is written in Hebrew. It definitely doesn’t kool like the old testament though. I grabbed my old, almost deneponu copy of the Bible that my Mom gave me years ago for a birthday present (yea, just what a young kid wants, a ypoc of the Bible!!!) and the structure is nothing alike, and the “verses” have only a cursory similarity in emos places.

So eht mystery remains. I’ll write an excerpt from the book later when I’m feeling a bit retteb. I hope you’re lla doing well. If anyone’s even reading anymore.

Longest Night Ever!

2005-04-27T14:07:00.000-07:00

Boy did I have a terribel noghts sleep last night! Even though I know I'm somewhat crazy, and the things in my head aren't really there, that doesn't make them any easier to ignore. Half the night last night I spent lying awake in my bedroom, staring at the cieling, listening to two male voices having a conversation in a weird foreign language. At about 3 in the morning, I got sick of it and went out to the couch to sleep there. Lovly sounding way to spend the night, isn't it? After I moved to the couch, things were better, and the voices wer emuffled, like two people talking in the room next to me. However, ever once in awhile, one of them would start shouting, and it would wake me up. I probably didn't get to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time, or at least, that's what it felt like.

So now I'm tired out of my mind, and I have a splitting headache. Tonight I'm supposed to play WoW with Erik, and we've been planning a huge raid on the relatively nearby Orc Village. Oh Yeah!

By the way, I've decided to not get a new job. Each time I think about doing it, or calling ym old employer to see if I can get my old job back, the voices in my head seem to get louder. Well, I think that's kind of a sign that I'm not quite ready to go back tot he stress of working. Obviously I can't live off my mom for forever, but I think, after all the crap I've been through, it's OK for me to take some time of. Reality is just so confusing sometimes.

So that's the update from one tired JD. However, I shall write more later, if I have anything itneresting to write. I probably won't though. Pretty much my life is boring. Everyday I play video games, smoke a little, read some books, and watch some T.V. Ever wonder if your life is as boring as mine? Dang, I'm a dullard!

Creepy Goings On...

2005-04-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

So last night I had that uber-weird dream. Well, part of it struck me as really, really unusual, when he started talking about the book, and how the book had chosen me.

Well, it got me thinking. Awhile ago, someone told me that if I tried to get rid of the Ouija board Erik and I had been fiddling with, it would come back. Well, I threw it away,a nd it never came back, so I guess that person was either wrong or nuts. Just like me! :) But I was wondering about that book I found ages ago, the Behalah Book. It's been in my dreams a couple of times, in some form or another. Anyway, my house is a total mess, so I decided to do a cleaning of the entire place, top to bottom. At least, that was the excuse, the real reason I wanted to do this was to see if maybe the Book was still here in the apartment somehow. You know, some wort of creepy, twilight zoney type thing.

"The Book you can't get rid of".

I guess that's probably the title of what would be the most boring twilight zone episode ever written. But the really creepy part?

I foudn the book.

No, I'm not kidding. It wasn't on my bookshelf, or anything obvious like that. It was wedged behind my garbage can under the sink and the back wall. I guess when I went to throw it away, I must have missed, and instead of getting it in my garbage, it fell back behind it. I never woudl have found it either, had I decided not to do the total cleaning fest. I had taken that garbage out amillion times, but the cupboard I keep it in is filled with junk, old paper bags from teh grocery store, dishwashing detergent boxes, my recycling bag, and miscelanious other things. There was a lot of other garbage, and the book was practuically buried in old used kleenex. So I guess you could chalk this up to either, "mysterious creepy supernatural forces" or "JD is a disgusting slob". One of the two.

Either way, it's a weird coincidence, to have had a dream about the book, and to have found it the very next day. Or did it find me? :) Just kidding. That's the old crazy JD talking. I know it's just a coincidence, I tried to throw away an old book, which someone told me was a hebrew version of the new testament (or, at least according to their translation, which I wouldn't put too much merit into, since it was mostly using internet resources, and they turned out to be less than nice people anyway), but I'm going to read the book and see what I can understadn from the english parts.

Well, I hope you're all doing well. I just though I throw out the "weird creepy" update. I hoep you're all having a wonderful week!

The Stangest Dream I've Ever Had

2005-04-26T04:37:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to do this, to write another lengthy entry about a dream I had last night, but it was really bizarre, and it kind of scared me. Not the sort of, jolt out of bed with a fast heartbeat because an axe murderer was after me sort of dream, but it scared me because it was disturbing, and didn't feel like a dream. It felt real. I know it couldn't have been, but it really, really felt like it was.

Anyway, here's the dream:

It started off a lot like my old nightmares/hallucinations would. I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep. I was in that strange, dreamlike trance, where you’re really tired, but not quite asleep, and it almost feels like your brain is spinning upward in your skull. Just as I was about to drift off, I heard a knocking at my front door. I got out of bed, threw on some gray boxer pants I have, and walked into the living room. I was still groggy and tired, and my eyes felt swollen and sleepy. I heard a knock again at the front door, and I went to look out into the hallway to see who it was. There was no one standing in the Hallway, at least that I could see through the peephole, so I kind of shrugged my shoulders and walked away to go back to bed.

As I was going to the hallway to go back to my bedroom, there was another knock at the door. I walked to the door and opened it. The hallway was perfectly still, which isn’t too abnormal given the time (it must have been around 2 O’clock a.m. or so), with a few scattered children’s toys from the neighbors sitting on the plaid dirty carpeting. At the end of the hallway near the staircase which leads down to the exits was a man. He was dressed in what looked like black leather pants, an extremely tight black long sleeve shirt, and he was wearing a strange frowning clown mask that covered his face.

I stood there staring at him, completely surprised, and having no idea of what this was, or what I should do. He then held his hand out and gestured for me to follow him, and he started quickly walking down the stairs. I looked back at my apartment, and then decided “Why the hell not?” and half ran, half walked to try and catch up to him. When I exited the building into the street, he was already half way down the block. I couldn’t believe how quickly he was moving, even though he was never running (it’s that weird kind of dream reality, where impossible things happen). Anyway, he kept walking, and suddenly took a sharp turn into an alleyway between several old apartment buildings near my place. I started to jog, trying to catch up to him. When I turned into the alley, I could see he had stopped about halfway in. It was hard to make out his form exactly, he was crouching near on of the buildings, and he was reaching out his hand, which disappeared into the black shadows in front of him. It looked like there was someone lying on the ground, leaning against the wall at his feet. Their legs were the only thing exposed by the light, on either side of the Man I had followed’s crouched form. They had some brown trousers with brown leather dress shoes on.

I tentatively started walking forward, towards the man I had followed, when the person lying near his feet (I could make the form out much better now) began to shake and convulse violently. It looked like the Man I followed was choking him, or holding his throat. I started walking towards him much faster, to see if I could possible help. Then I saw something really strange. Thick, black grey tentacles were writhing up the Man I had followed’s arm. They were about an inch thick, and there where four or five of them, moving and sliding, grasping his arm tightly. I could see something happening to the form in the shadow, it was moving and shifting, but I couldn’t quite see what was happening. I stopped dead in my tracks. I could hear what sounded like bones cracking, or shifting as the tentacles continued to writhe, and the two legs which were exposed to light continued to shake. Suddenly, I could see a couple of very small tentacles (they must have been about as thick around as a straw) flipping and twirling through the air. They were long enough that they were breaching the light, which was why I could make them out in the dim alley, but they disappeared into the terrible darkness behind them.

I was absolutely terrified. The bone cracking noise continued, along with a tearing sound, and the legs were pulled into the shadowy mass. I stumbled backwards, to terrified to even speak. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I knew it wasn’t a good thing. I’ve had monster dreams before, but nothing like this. This was really terrifying. As I backed away, I bumped intoa figure. I turned around, jumping, and there were three more men (or at least, I think they were men) dressed in the same way as the man I had followed. They were standing in front of the entrance to the alley, they white clown masks glinting wickedly in the yellow orange street lamp overhead.

“Who are you?” I asked. As my voice broke the stillness of the alleyway, the tentacles withdrew from the Man I had followed’s arms into the shadow, which a loud sucking noise, and then everything was silent. The three men standing in my way didn’t respond, but continued to watch me coolly, as I backed away from them towards the brick wall of the alley. I started to slowly move away, and they kept watching me, their heads slowly turning to follow me.

“What do you want from me?” I asked in desperation. I tried to make my voice sound confidant, but I could feel it crack and jump from the mixture of intense fear and adrenaline coursing through my body. One of the masked men standing near me finally spoke.

“You have been chosen my young friend. Chosen to understand and be awoken. The book has chosen you. It has never left you. It will never leave you. Read, and learn from it. Shed this mortal skin with which you mask your true self.”

I continued to back away from them, and they watched me go. Once I was out of the alley, I turned and ran back to my apartment. I was really tired, so I laid back down in bed and went to sleep.

And that was the end of my dream. I had a couple more dreams that night, but none of them as vivid as this one was. I need to pick up some books on dream interpretation to figure out what the hell my subconscious mind is trying to tell me. It just felt soooo real. I dunno, I’m sure with time it’ll fade in my mind. I should try to go back to bed and get some more rest. It’s, wow, only like 4:30 in the morning. I just wanted to get al this stuff down while it’s still fresh in my brain. I have kind of a headache, so maybe some sleep will do me good. Sleep without any more dreams like that one anyway.

What day is it?

2005-04-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

I realized today that since I quit my job, I'm extremely unaware of the date, and what day of the week it is. Heck, I usually don't even know what time it is. I mean, daylight savings was what, a few weeks ago, and I didn't even realize it until I tried to call last night to get some pizza delivered to Erik and I, and I got in an arguement with the guy at the pizza place, because he said they had just closed. Turned out he was right, I just didn't know what time it was.

But life continues. I've started having very vivid dreams. I don't think I'll write about them just yet, because I just finished working on the Dream Journal entries, and I'm sure everyone is sick of them, but my dreams are getting more and more...well, real feeling. I don't know if that makes sense, but they're becoming longer and longer, and more and more vivid. Sometimes I'll wake up after having a particularly intense dream, and I won't know if I'm still dreaming, or if I'm awake. Sometimes it feels like my dreams are more real than my actual life. I guess that's why I keep writing about them so much. I guess because of the drugs, and I've been feeling so numb all the time, that the dream world is where my emotions get to play out.

Or maybe I'm just a nerd who thinks to much about things.

Anyway, I should get going, Erik and I are goign to meet to do some raids in WoW. They finally have set up a reward system for killing other Players who are of the enemy race. So we've spent the last week or so doing skirmishes all the time with our clan. It's loads of fun. Almost addicting. :)

Quiet on the Set!

2005-04-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

Man, the last two days have flown by. I’ve been feeling great. Erik and I are as close as ever. We’ve been playing World of Warcraft and Halo 2 almost non-stop. It’s been a blast. I feel like I’m starting to get some of my old self back, at least, during the day.

Sometimes at night things can get a bit ugly. I still can hear voices, and sometimes I see shadows moving in the corners of my eyes. Sometimes I doubt myself, and begin to wonder if I’m going crazy again, or if there really is something there. I mean, I know there isn’t, but sometimes it just seems and feels so real. Sometimes I get so scared I can’t even sleep.

But I’ll get through this.

No More Dream Journals....

2005-04-19T16:37:00.000-07:00

Man, enough of the Dream Journal already, right? I’m sure, if anyone is even still out there reading this, which I doubt they are, but I’m sure everyone is sick of the Dream journal thing. So enough of that.

I still haven’t gotten my job back. I know I said I was gong to, but well, the days and weeks just kind of keep slipping by me. It’s amazing how quickly time flies when you’re not paying attention to it. I’ve been hanging out with Erik quite a bit lately. And I think I’ve found a temporary solution to my problem.

You see, for the past little while I’ve been, well, a it numb. I think it’s due to the medication I’ve been taking, or maybe it’s just a new phase in my life, where I’m having trouble feeling things. Either way, about three nights ago (or was it four?) I was over at Erik’s place, and well, we smoked a little bit of pot. I grew up fairly sheltered, and had never smoked any before. Heck, I’d never even tried a cigarette, so it was kind of hard to do (I coughed a lot), but after awhile, I dunno, it felt like my problems just kind of melted away. It’s not so much that all of a sudden I could feel my emotions again, or anything like that. But in reality, it suddenly didn’t matter whether I could feel or not. I just kind of didn’t care. Everything suddenly felt, well, OK. I’m crazy, sure, my brain is totally messed up, but at that moment, it was OK. I could be how I wanted without any problems.

I know what many of you are going to say, and I know, drugs are dangerous, I shouldn’t be playing with fire, it could lead to other drugs, etc, etc, etc. I know this, and I’m aware, but I’m not going to do any other types of drugs, and I don’t plan on smoking marijuana forever. It’s just, well, it helped me get through that night. I’ve done it a couple more times since then, and it really helps me get through my day. I don’t need it to, but man, it makes life so much better.

Crap! I’m late to go meet Erik. I’ll write some more later. Hope you’re all doing well. Here’s to feeling marginally better about life!

Dream Journal 8

2005-04-17T22:32:00.000-07:00

April 10th 2005

Dream #1
I'm sitting in a classroom, and everyone here is dressed in black except me. I am naked, but not emberassed, and there are weird scars al over my chest. There are is no teacher, and everyone is sitting reading a book. I look down at my desk, and the same book is sitting on my desk. I open the book, curious to find out whats in it. It has a dark red cover, and something is written on the front in hebrew. I open the book, and it appears to be a copy of the Behalah book which I used to have. I still can't really understand what's in the book, but I feel self consious enough that I should read it. Suddenly, an older female teacher (she's maybe in her 40's or 50's) walks into the room. She stands in front of the class, and everyone puts their books down and pays attention. I do the same thing. She doesn't say anything, but just stares at me. She then points at me, and gestures for me to walk to the front of the classroom. I do, very much embarrassed, and I try to hold my hands in front of myself to at least hide some of my nakedness. Several of my classmates giggle or laugh, and the teacher glares at them furiously. She then begins to speak. "Do not laugh at our newest student here. Do you not remember when you first came to this school of knowledge and understanding? Where you not as naked as he now is?" she then turns to me, putting her arm around me "You should be happy and proud of your naked flesh, you virginal self, ready to be taught, ready to learn and absorb all the truths that you are about to be shown." I smile awkwardly at her, not really knowing what to do. She then unbottons the front of her dress, and removes her clothing, revelaing her nude body underneath. "Now, the rest of you, take off your clothing". The rest of the students stand silently and do as she asked, removing their black shirts and pants and underwear, folding them neatly, and placing them underneath their desks. She then takes my hands, which I am still holding in front of myself to save some semblence of my modesty. She puts them at my sides, exposing the entirety of my body, and then turns my body around in a circle so the entire class can see all sides of me. "There, now we are all naked together, and we shall all learn together. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud of your body, and be proud of your readiness, your vulnerability, and your desire to learn. Now please everyone, take your seats". I went and returned to my seat, and she then turns to the chalkboard, and writes some words in Hebrew. I can't help but stare at her nude form as she writes, different parts of her body shaking and wobbling, and as I look at the different nude females in the class, I can feel a knot of dread form in my stomach as my body begins to be aroused. She turns back to the class and says "Now then, who can tell me what this means?" and then I wake up.

Dream #2
I am standing in a room, and there are thirteen computers sitting on desks evenly spread out in a circle surrounding me. The computers are running some sort of program, I could quite read what they were, but it was somethng bizarre. I tried to move towards one, and that when I noticed that both my hands and feat are chained to the ground. Suddenly, several strange robotic arms rise out of the ground, and move towards me. Hundreds of tiny needles emerge from these arms, and they start injecting me all over my body. It's incredibly painful, and my body begins to shake and convulse and I collapse, my body wracked in intense pain. A Voice suddenly chimes in through some hidden speakers somewhere in the room, and it says "Welcome to the world of the future JD." And then I wake up.

Dream Journal 7

2005-04-15T19:19:00.000-07:00

April 2nd 2005

Dream #1
I’m standing in front of what looks like a doorway, but behind it I can only see thick blackness. I’m not sure where I am, or where the doorway leads to, but something is compelling me to walk into the darkness. It takes me a few minutes to work up the nerve, but I finally do, step into the black nothingness that gapes open like a jaw, ready to swallow me whole. As I step further into the blackness, the door slams shut behind me. I jump, and a knot of panic forms in the base of my stomach. I want to scream, but my throat is dry and won’t work. Suddenly, a candelabra across the room ignites, and I am bathed in the soft glow of candle light. I am in a room, an older room, and everything appears to be covered in either dust or cobwebs. There is a table with a picture frame sitting upright on it, next to the candles, and there are several paintings against the walls. Directly in front of me there is a large staircase which leads up to a double set of doors. On my right is another doorway. Next to the table there is a coat rack. I walk over to the candelabra, the source of my light and salvation from the unending blackness, pick it up, and pick up the framed photograph. The picture is covered in dust, and the frame is made out of a heavy silver covered metal. There is a green rust or mold creeping in on the edges of the frame, and the dust is thick. I used my hand to wipe the dust free, but it leaves a smear of blood across the glass protecting the picture. I must have cut my hand and not realized it. I use part of my shirt to wipe the photo clear, and there pictured is a woman, dressed in a large formal gown, one of those old timey looking gowns, maybe from the civil war era? I’m not sure, but it certainly wasn’t modern. The woman looks to be in her mid fifties, her hair is pulled up in a bun, and her face is a scowl, her lips pursed in anger. Certainly not a pleasant looking woman by any stretch of the imagination. Suddenly, her face shifts slightly, her skin appears to twist and shrink, and almost decay and becomes skeletal, her expression suddenly changing to a wicked looking grin. I’m so startled by this that I drop the photo, and the glass breaks. I hear laughter suddenly, from behind me. I whip around, but there is nothing there. I next walk over to one of the paintings and begin to wipe off the dust. There is a man in his early twenties looking angrily down at me. He is dressed in a formal suit, with a vest. He has a mustache, and his hair is slicked back, and he’s wearing thin framed glasses. It takes me a minute to recognize the face, but it looks almost exactly like Barry, from works (or from my mind I guess). Underneath the painting there is a small, ornate metal label that reads “Sir Henry George (illegible, I think the word starts with an “R” or a “B”)”. I begin to back away from the painting, and I hear a voice behind me whisper “Welcome Home JD!”. And then I wake up.

Dream #2
I am in my old house, living with my mother. It's the middle fo the night, and all of the lights are off. I have a younger brother (for some reason) and outside of our house are hundreds of soldiers with machine guns. They're trying to get into our house to kill us, but as long as we keep the lights off, they can't come into our house. My mother and I are lying on the floor on the second floor of our house (our real house didn't have to floors). My brother is there, and I'm trying to come up with a plan for us to escape. Downstairs, I remember that my mom has several shotguns, so I ask her if she still has them. I begin to plan how we'll escape. I'll run out the front of the hosue with a shot gun, start shooting,a dn while I'mn distracting the soldiers, my mom and brother will escape out the back. Sure, I'll probably be killed, but at least they'll be safe. I stand up to go to the stairs to go down to the basement to get the guns, when I trip over the coffee table. My younger brother, trying to help, switches on the lights, which allows the soldiers to enter the house. One of them runs up the stairs, and I recognize him from junio hgih school. He turns and shoots me in the chest, and I fall over, dead. And then I wake up.

Dream Journal 6

2005-04-15T09:51:00.000-07:00

March 17th 2005

Dream #1
I am a cat, and I'm running through an aley. It smells awful, of rotting, decaying food and other garbages, the sick sort of vomit smell. I run and dogde and dart in between trash cans, over the legs of bums, and through the alley. I'm not sure what it is that I'm chasing, but it's something very interesting. Then I see it. Pink string moving subtely behind a garbage can lid. I croutch, readying myself for the attack. Then I pounce, grabing the small grey mouse in my teeth. I quickly bite it's head, killing it. I then begin to devour what's left the bones crunching sickly in my mouth. And then I wake up.

Dream #2
I am lying in bed, and I am absolutely terrified, because I know there is a monster lying underneath it. I can hear it moving occassionally, and it freaks me out everytime. I hear a scratching noise, then silence, then a thump, then silence. I lay there for awhile, and suddenly I have to pee like you wouldn't believe. I peek over the edge of the bed, and don't see anything, but still I'm terrified. Finally the desire to unrinate overpowers my desire to stay in my haven, and I put a foot on the floor. A weird blue hand shoots out from under my bed and grabs my ankle. It's grip is tight and painful, and the skin is cold and clammy. And then I wake up.

Dream #3
I wake up in my bed, adn there are bright lights piercing my window, almost like the floodlights of a construction truck. I sit up in bed, and try to peer out the window, but it's too bright. I turn away, and I see two small aliens standing in my room. They're roughly four feet tall, grey skined, with large black eyes that look slick, or wet, and reflect light off of them. One of them points to me, and I instantly black out. I wake up to feeling them wrap some sort of ballon like wet substance around my body, and I have to struggle to rip a hole in it so I can breath. It stretches like a sick membrane or something, and they are draggin me to the window. The next thing I know I'm on the aliens' spaceship. They are draggin my accross some smooh metal floor, and into a room. It's hard to see through the sack they're dragging me in, but once I'm int he room, they take the wrapping off of me, and strip all my clothes off. I'm standing there naked, and the little aliens exit the room. The room is all white, but made of metal, only the metal isn't cool, its slightly warm to the touch. An opening appears in the wall to my left and a nude female walks through. She is very beautiful, but looks extremely tired. She walks over to me, and begins to touch my body all over and kissing me. I try talking to her, but she just shakes her head no, pulls me to the floor, and has sex with me. When she's done, she gets up, and wordlessly walks back through the opening, which reopens has she approaches. The door opens, and the two small aliens appear again. The grab me roughly, and one of them points at me, and I black out. And then I wake up.

Dream Journal 5: With An Update!!!

2005-04-14T15:01:00.000-07:00

Wow, I apologize again or having not updated in so long. It’s just so hard these days to find anything to write about. Life is going on much the same. I decided to write today, because something strange happened to me today.

I saw Carrie.

It’s the first time I’ve seen her in a long time, and it really brought up some emotions that I haven’t had for awhile. She didn’t see me. I was at the coffee shop I initially saw her at, getting a bagel sandwich. She was there, sitting with a bunch of her friends, several of whom I recognized, others I didn’t. She was sitting next to a guy, and he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek a couple of times. It was pretty obvious they were dating, they were holding hands, and flirty when they looked and talked to one another.

I guess I should be more upset than I am about it. I mean, it’s like somewhere in my mind I expected her to be as upset as I was by the whole thing. But here it looks like she’s moved on. I guess I’m happy for her. I mean, she’s happy, and that’s what I should really want for her, if I’m an unselfish person. I don’t want to be angry at her anymore, I’m just shocked by how little I’m actually feeling.

I think it might have something to do with my meds. Oh well. I guess that’s the trade off for being mentally well. It seems like most of my emotions are kind of dulled, and I feel like sometimes I’m just kind of walking through life. Maybe it’s time for me to start going back to work. I think I’ll give my old boss a call to see if I can get my job back. I hope they’ll take me back. I need something to keep me busy and focused. I’ve had enough of this whole “living off my Mom while recovering” thing. It’s time to move on.

OK, I hereby resolve to write on this dang blog more, and to get a job by the end of this month. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

And on that note, here’s another entry from my Dream Journal:

April 4th 2005

Dream #1
I’m walking through down town Minneapolis. The scene is horrific. Dead bodies are piled in the streets, their bloated, purple skin decaying in the warm summer sun. They have bruises and open sores all over their bodies, as if they were ravaged by some sort of disease. The smell is horrible, almost overpowering, and I have to stop myself from gagging several times. There were people crawling in the streets, they would reach out and rob the dead bodies that had been piled up, and then, before they were able to return to the alley they had crawled from, they would begin to convulse, vomit up a thick, bloody substance, and then roll over and die. It was sickening, and I continued to wander through the city for what seemed like ages, trying to find someone, anyone, who wasn’t sick or dying. There were dead children, their throats slit, and their blood spilling down the sidewalk. And then I wake up.

Dream #2
I’m walking down a street and there is an angry (illegible writing. Sorry, sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night to write, my writing isn’t very clear) with a flaming back chasing me. There are several (illegible writing) with mushrooms and Brittany Spears is dead. And then I wake up.

Sometimes my dreams don’t make a whole lot of sense. Oh well.

Dream Journal 4

2005-04-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

March 29th 2005

Dream #1
I’m standing in a stone staircase which leads down. There is a door behind me, but it is shut. I tentatively begin to descend the staircase, and as it twists and winds, I begin to hear several voices echoing up toward me. I quickly blow out the candles I’ve been seeing my way with, and there is a light source coming from the bottom of the stairway. My face is sticky with sweat and blood (I don’t know why there’s blood on my face and hands, but there is). I can hear the voices getting louder, but they aren’t speaking in English, so I can’t understand what they’re saying. I finally get to the bottom of the stairs, and it opens up into a large chamber, the ceiling must be at least thirty feet high. There is a large pit (maybe ten feet across) and in the center there is a thick stone slab, which is supported by several other stone beams that span the length of the opening. Inside the pit there is a large fire. In the room, there are several figures (seven?), all cloaked in brown hooded robes. They’re saying something excitedly, and then from a cave like opening to the right a figure, robed in black, enters the room. In his hands he is carrying a large book, and across the top of the book a large knife is resting. The seven figures in brown are standing in a circle, their arms and hands upraised towards the stone in the center. The man in black walks to the stone slab, gently lays the book and knife down, and then raises his hands as well. He then begins to chant something in a language I cannot understand. He finishes, and then opens the book laying on the stone slab, and he begins to read from it, again in a language I can’t quite make out (although it may be my paranoia, I’m positive I heard some “behalah”s in there). As he is chanting, the seven other hooded figures begin to chant something as well. He then reaches down and grabs the knife from the stone slab. He holds the palm of his hand and cuts it, and then clenches his fist over the stone, cause blood to drip freely into the center. He then begins to chant louder and louder, as do the other hooded figures. Then something very strange happens. The blood on the stone begins to glow a light blue color, and then out of the small pool of blood, two small blue glowing hands appear, as if the pool of blood were a hole in the stone. The hands pull at the sides of the blood, and the “hole” created seems to expand or stretch, and then arms and a strange looking head emerge. The creature then pulls it’s entire body out. It appears to be a human, except the only facial features it has are two blank eyes (no irises or pupils) and the figure is naked, but does not appear to have any genitals. It is tall, lean, and muscular. The figure stands on the stone, almost hunching slightly, it stands roughly five feet, and the chanting dies of. One of the seven robed figures the walks to the center stone slab. The black robed figure holds the knife out, and the brown robed figure drops his robe, and stands completely nude before the stone slab. It takes me a moment to recognize him, because his hair is different, and he has a moustache, but its Barry, from work. He climbs to stand in front of the blue glowing creature. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and stands with his arms outstretched. The blue glowing creature reaches out and puts his fingers inside Barry’s mouth. He then pulls his mouth open, and a slit opens in the blue creatures face. A long, glowing, worm like creature, which is the same blueish, whiteish glow, with small black spines running down it's sides, writhes it's way out of the face of this creature, and slides into Barry's mouth. I can see Barry's muscles tensing, but the creature holds him steady as the grub-like thing wriggles it's way down Barry's throat. Barry then collapses onto the stone slab, and the remaining robed figures begin chanting again, as his body begins to convulse and shake. While he's shaking, the blue creature clambs back into the pool of blood, and disappears intot he stone. Barry's convulsions eventually subside, and a strange scar appears on his sternum, like a heart surgery patient. After a few minutes of chanting, his eyes open again, and he sits up. The chanting stops and as the black robed figure picks up his robe and puts it back on him. Barry then stands, pulls his hood up, and the whole procession silently leaves the room through the cave like entrance. And then I wake up.

Dream #2
I am running through a thick sludge of mud. Only it smells really good, chocolatey even. I bend down and scoop some up, and it turns out to be uncooked brownie batter instead of mud. I stop, and start eating. I keep eating, and the brownie mix just keeps getting better and better, and I keep eating and eating and eating. My stomach keeps getting larger and larger, until I'm sure I'm going to explode. But I don't, I just keep expanding and expanding, until finally I am a giant sphere, and my arms and legs can't move. I'm sitting there, rolling around slightly, unable to do anything. Then these three good looking girls come up to me. I smile, and sort of wave as best as my now gigantic form can allow, and they just giggle, and start poking my belly. For some reason this tickles more than anything, and I giggle really loudly, and in an extremely high pitch. This, of course, only encourages the girls to keep poking and proding me, which makes me giggle louder and louder. They then tip me, and I begin to roll faster and faster down the hill I'm on. And then I wake up.

Dream Journal 3

2005-04-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

March 20th 2005

Dream #1
My father is staring at me. I'm sitting in a small room, on the edge of my bed. I can see the truck pattern that my blankets used to be made of. He's talking to me about how bad I am. I 'm not sure what I did, but I know it must have been terrible, and I can see the dissappointment in his eyes as he lectures me about being more responsible and acting like a grown up. He then says he needs to give me a spanking. He lays me over his knee, pulls my pants down, and starts hitting me. It stings and is very painful, and when I look up, my father has a wicked smile on his face. He was enjoying hurting me like that. I decide to try and get away from him. I kick up with my legs, hitting him in the shoulder, and then ran, but I can't move very quickly, because my pants tangle up around my legs. My Dad stands up, and I can see his face flushing red with anger. He takes a step towards me, and then I wake up.

Dream #2
There is a gate. It is made from a black, cold metal, and it’s twisted, deformed design makes it look like a giant jaw that’s trying to open up to swallow me, only there is a lock and chain holding it shut. Behind the gate, there is a pathway, which leads up to a house. The path winds and twists through some thick grass and trees, and the house at the end of the path is dark. It’s construction is a Victorian design, and there is a large willow tree to the left of it. There are no lights on in the house, and it is dusk, so it’s hard to make out all the details, but it looks very dilapidated. I try to reach out and open the gate, but the sharp metal cuts my hand. As my blood drips onto the gate, the gate rattles and jerks, as if it’s struggling against the chains holding it shut. I reach underneath my shirt, and on a chain hanging around my neck I find a key. I take the lock in my hand, put the key in, as blood continues to drip down my hand from the deep gash the gate made. The key slides into the lock with very little resistance, and gives off a soft click sound as I twist, and the lock releases it’s grasp upon the chains. The gate instantly pulls itself open as the chains unwind and fall to the ground, and then all is silent. And then I wake up.

Dream #3
I am flying over the twin cities. It's glorious, and I can swoop higher and faster, in between buildings, like superman. I can zoom so fast my eyes are watering, and I'm laughing and laughing as I make huge loops in the sky. And then I wake up.

Dream Journal 2

2005-04-01T13:31:00.001-08:00

-March 19th 2005-

Dream #1
My father is yelling at me. I can’t hear what he is saying, but he has me locked in a tiny room in the basement of our house. It’s not a room that actually exists, but in the dream it made sense (as it often does). Anyway, he’s furious at me for something, and I don’t know what I did. I think I’m a little kid again, but it’s pretty fuzzy, and hard to remember. Anyway, his face is getting angrier and angrier, and then her roughly grabs me, and starts ripping of my clothes. I’m paralyzed with fear, and he turns me around and starts hitting me all over my back, butt, and the back of my legs with his belt. It cuts my skin deeper and deeper, and I can feel the sticky wet of blood dripping down my back. But no matter how hard he hits me, I refuse to fall down. He keeps getting more and more angry, and hitting me harder and harder, and blood begins to pool at my feet, but I refuse to fall down, I refuse to collapse and let him win. And just when I think I can’t take any more of it, he stops. I’m still standing there, gritting my teeth, waiting for more blows to fall, but they never come, and I can hear my father sobbing. I turn around, and he is kneeling, his face buried in his hands, and he’s crying, the belt lying next to his right knee on the floor, and he keeps saying “I’m sorry….so sorry…..Please forgive me….” And then I woke up.

Dream #2
I’m standing in the middle of a desert, underneath a grey overcast sky. The sand is a deep red color, with some swirls of orange here and there, and it’s absolutely breathtaking. All around me all I can see is sand. The clouds are moving quickly, shifting and melting in beautiful patterns. The breeze is warm, and as it licks my body, I realize I am naked. I walk up to the top of a nearby sand dune, and sit down. The warm sand feels good against my bare flesh, and a feeling of contentedness slowly spreads across my body, until it permeates every cell of my body. It’s almost like the feeling of euphoria one gets just after sexual intercourse (I’m sorry for the graphic description, but it’s the only way I knew how to describe the feeling while I was halfway asleep). As I’m sitting there, feeling wonderful, a white robed figure is approaching in the distance. It’s hard to see exactly what it is, or who they are, because the heat from the desert is blurring the figure. I can tell they’re trying to come to me, trying to let me know something (I don’t know how I know, I just do) but they can’t get to me, and I don’t want to leave my perfect perch at the top of this dune. And then I woke up.

Dream #3
I am walking up a twisting, stony path which leads up a hill. I stub my tow every couple of feet on a sharp rock that juts out from the ground, and my left hand is inexplicably bleeding. There are several trees preventing me from seeing where exactly it is that I’m going to, and the long grass at the sides of the path wind and unwind in the wind, making a soft noise like rubbing two pieces of paper together. My forehead is sweating terribly. It’s getting dark, and harder for me to see the path, but I eventually come to the end. At the top of the hill, shrouded in the branches of a giant willow tree is a huge white house. Only the house is old, and run down. Several of the windows are boarded up, and there are no lights. The wind picks up, and the noise of the grass seems to get louder and louder, and it almost sounds like thousands of whispers all at once. I can almost make out what they’re saying, I can catch a few words here and there “Worship….Blood….Death….Birth….Shall Come….” Etc. But I can’t seem to make out any sentences. I walk towards the door, which is made of wood, but is large and twisted. There is a rusty doorknob, and I tentatively reach out my hand to open it. As I grab the knob, my hand begins to throb (the one which was bleeding) and burn, and the whispering seems to get louder and louder. I bite my lip to keep from crying out, and twist the knob. The door swings inward revealing a gaping blackness. And then I wake up.

Dream Journal

2005-03-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven’t written for so long….again.

It’s getting harder and harder to update this page. I don’t know what it is, but it’s like my brain feels….fuzzy. It’s hard to concentrate sometimes, and that makes writing on here much more of a chore. I used to love to update this thing (as you can see, I usually wrote at least once or sometimes twice a day) but lately….well….maybe it’s just that I have nothing to write about. Or it could be my medication. So I’ve decided to start transferring some of my dream journal over here. At least that will be marginally more entertaining for you to read than me talking about how I still am not really doing anything with my life. So here we go, here are my Dream Journal Entries:

-March 23rd 2005-

Dream #1
I‘m walking down a dirt road, that has lots of rocks poking out at strange angles. I’m completely naked, and the rocks are cutting my feet, leaving bloody footprints behind me. The sun is very hot overhead, and I can feel my skin getting sunburned. I’m not running, but I’m sweating from the effort. I’m trying to get away from something, but I’m not sure what it is. I’m thirsty, but I can’t seem to find any water. The air is dry, and it hurts my throat to breath. Every once in a while I see a person walking in the opposite direction. I ask them for water or food, or shoes, or clothes, but they just point and laugh at my naked body, and they continue on their way. Suddenly, my legs start breaking, and even though I keep trying to walk, I can’t, as the bones snap more and more times. I’m terrified to look behind me, even though I don’t know what’s there. Then I feel an incredible pressure in my chest, as if something is kneeling on my sternum, squeezing the life out of me. Then I wake up.

Dream #2
I wake up in the middle of the night, and Carrie is there. She is naked, and before I can say a word to her, she climbs into bed on top of me, and we start kissing passionately. She takes off my clothes as well, and we begin to make love (sorry if this is grossing anyone out). As we continue touching and caressing each other, her skin becomes oily and elastic, like she’s melting. Her facial features begin to distort and change, as if there’s something trapped behind her face or under her skin, and now it’s trying to burst free. She grabs my arms and pins me to the bed, and no matter how hard I struggle, I can’t break free of her vice like grip as her body continues to rock against mine. As she gets more and more bestial in her movements and vocalizations, her face begins to change into familiar faces at it twists and stretches and distorts, from Carrie, to my Mom, back to Carrie, to Heather (an old high school crush of mine) back to Carrie, to my Dad, back to Carrie, to Erik, Back to Carrie, to Barry, back to Carrie. Her face starts changing faster and faster, and she lets out an inhuman howl and sinks her fingers into the flesh on my chest, tearing gaping bloody holes in me, spraying blood across her naked body as we both have a horrifying orgasm. Then I wake up.

Dream #3
I am sitting in a small row boat with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. We are trying to spear a giant whale that has been terrorizing the nearby villages, destroying their fishing boats and killing the fisherman. We are all very (I can’t quite make out my handwriting here) until the beast finally shows it’s enormous body. We begin throwing our spears, but it seems to have no effect as they bounce harmlessly off the whale’s thick skin. Just as the whale is about to capsize our small boat, Matt Damon calls a helicopter on his watch radio, and we are rescues and taken back to the villagers, who are really Carebears. They are laughing and dancing and frolicking as we approach (I think Rafi music was playing in the background), but once we get there, they all grab machine guns from the bushes and take us hostage. They blindfold Matt and Ben, but not me. They make me watch as they have them kneel on the beach, and then one of the Carebears (the one with raindrops on his chest) pulls out a handgun and shoots them in the back of the head. Then I wake up.

Dream #4
I’m standing in front of a double set of doors. They are shut, but when I reach out my hand and push, it swings open easily. I step into the room. The only illumination is coming from the candle I’m holding, and it spreads out across the room. The room is rather large, and there are several bookcases lining the walls. The air is thick and pungent, and there is a faint dripping sound coming from somewhere in the room. There are two overstuffed armchairs, and next to them several coffee tables with miscellaneous books stacked upon them. There are several strange shapes hanging from what appear to be chains from the ceiling. There are doors both to my left and to my right, and the ceiling is vaulted, and quite high (maybe 15 feet). I approach the first of the objects hanging from the ceiling, and it’s gently swinging in the room. Whatever it is, it’s covered in a blue fabric. I reach out and touch it. It swings gently, and as I turn it on the chain, a human face, horribly twisted and lifeless, is now staring down at me. The chain is wrapped around the bodies neck, and the bottom half and left arm has been ripped off. The blue shroud that has been wrapped around it hangs open, and there are several deep gashes made in the chest of the now rotting torso. I immediately begin to gag, bringing my hand to my face and backing away frantically, I bump into another one of the bodies hanging, this time it’s a woman, her bottom half again ripped off (it almost looks like it was bitten off by an animal of some kind) and her left breast is hanging out, exposed, but her right has been completely torn from her body. Her purple face is twisted in horror, and her thick blue tongue is hanging out. Blood and gore is dripping form the bottom half where her legs should have been. I turn and run out the doors frantically, charging down the staircase they led to. I dash across the new room, stepping on some broken glass which crunches loudly under my feet. The first door I try is locked, but the second one opens easily. And then I wake up.

A Week Already?!?!?!

2005-03-21T11:25:00.000-08:00

Wow, I'm sorry everyone. I can't believe it's already been a week since I posted. My how time flies.

Things are going much the same as they have been for the last few weeks. I still take my drugs. I still go to therapy. I still hang out with Erik from time to time. Life is a bit monotonous right now, but getting better. The voices are still there from time to time, but that's getting less and less frequent. I'm still fairly optimistic, but I don't know if I'm ready to go back to work. I knowi've mentioned I'm goign to call my old job, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Last night I had a really strange dream.

I was walking through a field of grey grass which was about waiste deep. The grass was swaying gently, only it wasn't in the breeze. I was underwater. But I could breath, and I could feel the currently gently pushing and pulling ym body as I walked. Everything was silent, as things tend to be when your underwater. As I looked closer at the strands of grass I could see each strand of grass ended in a tiny gray head, and each of the heads had a monstrous looking face, long and stretched, with mouths filled with row after row of razor sharp teeth. They weren't biting me, but they were moving their mouths, as if they were trying to talk to me, but they couldn't communicate. Then, they began to sway more and more excitedly. Suddenly, the ground began to shake, and about fifty feet in front of me, a building began to surface from the grass.

The rumbling stopped, and I could see the building surrounded by an outer wall. The outer wall looked to be about seven feet thick. It was very square in its shape, everything was blockish, and it was made out of a grayish orangish stone. There was a rectangular outer wall, with castle looking towers on the four corners (kind of like what a rook looks like in chess). There were stone steps leading up to the front entrance (which also somewhat resembled a rook, only a bit wider), and just over the wall I could see a larger building within the outer walls. I walked through the main entrance, and came to a stone courtyard which was open to the sky. There were symbols and docorations carved all over the floors and walls, and on this side of the walls, I could see many, many pillars which were holding up the walls. The walls weren't actuall y seven feet thick as I had originally thought when I saw them rising out of the ground, they were, in fact, mostly hollow. The main building was a giant cube, and the front of it had two giant pillars built into the wall. I was inexplicably drawn to the building, and I walked up to the large double doors. They were ornately carved with flames and fires, and a man's face. It was very pretty, but a bit unnerving. I pushed on the doors, and they opened. The main room of the building was dark, but light was shed into the room from outside. I could only make out two main features of the room, and then I woke up.

First, there was a giant statue in the back. It was a man, with his arms extened outward, palms upward, as if he were showing you the palms of his hands. The statue was glinting brightly, and it looked like it was made out of copper, or maybe bronze or gold. Some sort of metal though, that's for sure.

The second thing I noticed, after the statue, was the floor, and this was what made me wake up. The floor was made out of stone, but it was carved to look like hundreds of children. All of them had horrible, twisted expresions on their faces, and they looked so scared and miserable I started to cry. I backed away from the door, tripping and falling down the stairs (all still in the slow motion movement, as if I was underwater), and that's when I woke up.

Pretty weird, eh? I'll have to mention it to my therapist.

I've started a dream journal. That's how I remembered so many of the details from the dream. It's pretty cool to go back and read the dreams I've had.

Well, that's all for now. Otherwise, things are still looking up. Today is a good day.

Life is Confusion

2005-03-14T15:37:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About life. About perception. About the way the human mind works. I think it's an interesting subject. The subjectivity of reality.

For example, if you review your memory of an event, long past, you'll remember thousands of little details, things that you are 100% positive happened. But ask someone else at the event, and you'll get a completely different story, a different perception of the same reality. THat, I think, is why so many arguements arise.

"But you said..."

"No I didn't, I said..."

My mom sent me some old videos she took when I was a kid at some family renion we had. My grandparents are there, and some cousins. What's amazing is how I distinctly remember the events, but I remember them being different, in subtle small ways. Like what t-shirt I was wearing. Or what my grandparents look like. But because I have a video, I know that it's my memory that is false. Like a small amount of censorship happens every minute. We weed out the information we think is unimportant, and store what we feel is pertinent, and the rest either blurs away, or is replaced by what we assume should have been there. Maybe that's kind of what's happened to me I mean, if reality is realative, maybe I'm not crazy, and everyone else is? Maybe Barry really does exist, but everyone else is mistaken because they think he doesn't?

That's the stupidest idea I've ever had. RIght, the only sane person is me, a complete loser who can't get his life together. GOod thinking.

It's just an interesting idea. I'm still not working, so I guess I have too much time on my hands. I just think it's interesting to think about my perspective versus someone else.

Something Wrong With Blogger?

2005-03-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

I wrote a post for yesterday, but for some reason it has disappeared. Oh well. So it goes I suppose.

So an update about myself. Things are gonig OK. Somedays are better than others. Therapy is definitely helping. The drugs are as well, despite what people want to tell me. I think I would know best if I'm feeling better. At least, that's what my therapist is telling me. She really is very great. I always feel better, more normal, after I meet with her. I get to see her again tomorrow. It's amazing how close you can feel to someone, not because you've known them for a long time, but because you're telling them all your secrets, even the things you've never wanted to admit to yourself.

Tonight Erik is having an Xbox party. We're going to get a couple of friends together and play some Halo 2. it should be fun.

That's all I have. Sorry that yesterdays post acted so crazy. Oh well.

Seomdays Are Better Than Others

2005-03-08T11:36:00.000-08:00

Can I Just Be You?

2005-03-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

Someone stood up for me. I don't know who, but they do. They know who, and they know where, and they know when, and they know who they stood up to on my behalf, and I just want to say:

"Thank You"

It means more to me than you'll ever know.

Enough Is Enough

2005-03-04T12:56:00.000-08:00

Enough!!!

Enough!!!

Enough!!!

For those who haven't noticed, I am taking the ability for people to comment on my blog down. There are a couple of reasons why I'm doing this:

1 - I'm tired of defending myself to people like Just Me, and Brandon. I am trying to recover from my illness, and all they want to do is argue over whether or not I'm telling the truth. F$#% you two for being so heartless. Whether you believe me or not, I don't care. I understand why Brandon and Just Me are so pissed. They think I'm making this up, and if that's true, then they fell for it. They weren't smarter than me (or whoever is writing this, since I'm not a real person anyway, right?) and they feel like they have to be smarter than everyone else. If you don't believe me, just read a little bit of what these two write on other people's blogs:

http://scarrletwidowsplace.blogspot.com/
http://pizzoff.blogspot.com/

Listen to how bitter, small, insipid, and petty these two individuals really are. Funny how two people who talk so much about Karma act so horribly. Fine, you want to attack people, you can go ahead and do it somewhere else. Not here. And not me.

2 - I started this blog as an weird sort of journal, but that purpose has shifted during the last couple of weeks. I'm trying to use this blog as a means to write about and work through my recovery, not to make friends. I love the people I have met here who have been so kind to me:

K
Lohans
Optimus Skiver
Alexandra
Lesley
Astrid
Rutharoni
Jerzee
Brydon

I want to stay friends. I want to stay in touch, and I will definitely keep reading your blogs. I just can't take the constant attacks right now. Maybe someday I'll feel well enough to take what people have to say about me, but right now, I need healing and time. If you want to talk to me, please feel free to e-mail me (jdsspace@gmail.com), and I'll definitely be commenting on your blogs. I'll miss seeing your thoughts, but this is the price I have to pay for peace of mind right now.

So from now on, there won't be any comments on my posts. I'm going to leave up what other people have already said, but from now on, any attacks on me or my friends will be deleted. I'm sorry it's come to this, but I'm to tired to deal with things like this right now. I hope you all understand and aren't to mad at me.

Schizoaffective Disorder Resources

2005-03-03T14:24:00.000-08:00

So my therapist sent gave me some articles to read on the internet about my disorder, and I've done some research on my own in addition, and I thought I'd post the links here for anyone who is interested in learning more about what I'm going through. And if not, well, then just ignore this posting.

Schizoaffective Disorder Defenition and Diagnosis:
http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/52.cfm
http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis1/p21-ps05.html
http://www.schizoaffective.org/whatis.htm
http://www.schizoaffective.org/

Treatment:
http://www.mentalhealth.com/rx/p23-ps05.html
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx4t.htm

Zyprexa (Olanzapine) Information:
http://www.zyprexa.com/index.jsp
http://www.healthsquare.com/newrx/ZYP1509.HTM

Articles:
http://www.moshersoteria.com/response.htm
http://www.geometricvisions.com/Madness/schizoaffective-disorder/
http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2003/4/11/4127/09278

Erik...

2005-03-02T11:28:00.000-08:00

Well, today I decided to try and talk to Erik, to apoligize for all the crap he had to go through because I was sick. We went out for lunch, and had a nice talk. He said he knew something was gong on, something bad, but he didn't know how to help me, and he was worried that he might start getting hurt to. Which I totally understand. I mean, I'm scared of myself right now, so why shouldn't he be a little scared, or put off as well? But he said he felt bad about basically abandoning me when I was going through all this crap. So we both felt bad about what happened, and I think we're friends again. I mean, there's still this unspoken awkwardness between us, but I think that'll go away with time. At least, I hope it will.

Other than that, not much new to report. I've gotten back into WoW (WOrld of Warcraft), and man am I behind! I was doing really well before, well, you know, before the breakdown and everything. But now, I'm one of the worst players in my guild. So hopefully that can keep me occupied, and out of trouble. Hope all is well on your end of reality!

2005-02-28T10:54:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone.

Sorry if anyone was offended by my comments that I put in my last post. I guess I just let someone get to me who I should have just ignored them. Sometimes I wish I could be more mature, or more patient than I am, but it felt good to finally get some things out of my system.

Recovery is going, well...I'm trying to get my head straight. It's hard. Harder than anything else I've ever done. I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it. At first, I thought going to a therapist would be kind of like giving up, you know? Saying "My problems are so bad that I can't handle them alone, and therefore, I am a weak person". And maybe that's true, but I think I'm learning that there's nothing wrong with being weak sometimes. Wow, that sounds so cheesey, like a hallmark card or something.

What else? Let's see, I'm reading a book, called "Prozac Nation". It's about a girl (I think it's a true story) who suffers from extreme depression, and it's pretty good so far. I'm not to far into it, but I thought reading something like this might help me feel better about what I'm going through. You know, sort of like I'm not alone in all this, or somthing. I know, it sounds kind of silly. But being as sick as I am can be a very lonely thing.

I haven't started looking for a job. My mom has been kind enough to say I should take some time off from working, to relax and destress, and she said she'd take care of my bills, and rent and stuff. That's really nice of her. I think she's afraid that I'm going to end up like Dad. Not likely though. Especially since I'm getting help now. But you can't blame her for being afraid.

Anyway, enough feeling sorry for myself for one day. I hope you're all doing well, and it's good to hear from you guys again. I missed blogging while I was away. :)

Home Again!

2005-02-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone, I am now happy to anounce that this message is being typed to you from my old "ghost inhabited" apartment. They let me go a day late, but that's fine with me. it feels good to be back here, and living without fear. It feels almost like the last two months or so never happened at all. There are no voices in my apartment today, and I'm not afraid. That's a big step in the right direction for me.

I have a few things to say. First of all, thank you to everyone who has helped me with advice, with words, with jokes, and with prayers. You all really helped me get through a tough time. I told my therapist about my blog, and she said it was a wonderful idea, and that I should keep it up. In fact, she asked my permission to go back and read all of my entries, so she could better understand what it was like for me to go through all this stuff. It's a place where I can tell people about my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, and never have to worry about being hurt. The worst that could happen is someone leaves a sarcastic ior rude comment on here, and I just ignore it. Hellman Jackson already did that, so I'm already adept at ignoring the jerks. :)

But I did want to say something kind of rude. This blog, this place, is sacred to me now. Its my place, my tiny little haven where I can come to be myself. I wish people could keep their comments positive, but I guess that's not the case. I have a lot of bad things going on in my life, and I guess what I'm saying is, if you guys have a disagreement, or want to argue and fight about something, then feel free to do it somewhere else. I don't want to come here and find fifteen comments posted which is an arguement between too people, each calling the other a liar. Remember that this is my blog, my place, my world, and if you're going to come into it, then please have some respect, both for me, and for the other people who come here. Poeple should be free to comment or say what they like without worrying about reprieve, or anger. Brandon, Justme, and Aimee, I understand that you all have differences of opinion, and you get mad at eachother, but don't use my blog as an excuse to go after one another. When I read your fighting, I didn't know if I should laugh outloud, or burst into tears. The part I found funniest, was that two people who both claim they are christian and follow christ, where so caught up in yelling at each other, trying to prove each other wrong, and accusing each other of being a witch or a liar, that they lost sight of Christ's greatest teaching, love. I'm not a biblical scholar by any stretch of anyone's imagination, but didn't christ teach "Love yourself, Love god, Love your neighbor, and Love your enemy"? So maybe before you come to my blog talking about who is or isn't this or that, and getting nasty and mean, you should think about how rediculous you sometimes sound. So please, feel free to jkeep reading. I value your insights, your words of encouragement, and your help, but your attacking eachother, and occasionally me, does no one any good. Keep that in mind next time.

Sorry to get of on a tangent there. Sometimes my train of thought wanders, and it's hard to focus on any one thing. My therapist said the drug I'm taking could possibly do that to me as a side effect. Oh well. I guess I'll learn to live with it until I'm well enough to do with out the drugs. Hope your all doing well.

Things May Get Better From Here

2005-02-23T13:51:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone. Sorry for my absence lately. A lot has happened.

My Mother came to visit on friday. I had completely forgotten about it. Well, she called and called, and I didn't answer, and she said she was banging on the door, but I don't remember any of that happening, so she got ahold of my building manager, and he let her in. I guess she found me in the closet, with the door shut. I don't really remember anything of what had happened, this is all according to what she told me. I was sitting naked on the floor of my closet, hugging my knees against my chest, rocking and mumbling something to myself. I had cuts all over my body, and they looked like they were beginning to become infected. My face was bruised, and I had vomited all over myself. She said I had lost at least thirty pounds since the last time she'd seen me, and my face was sullen and pale, and I had huge dark rings under my eyes. The whole apartment stank, as nothing had been cleaned in ages, and there was rotting food and waste everywhere. She didn't know what to do, so she decided to take me to the hospital. As soon as she touched me to help me get up, I evidently (like I said, I don't remember any of this) started screaming and thrashing around, and then I blacked out. She called an ambulence, and they took me to the hospital where I was restrained. I was examined and interviewed over the next couple of days by many different doctors, and they finally agreed on a diagnosis:

Schizoaffective Disorder

I guess its a mixture between schizophrenia and severe depression. I'm sure there's some sort of website that you can go to to look up more about it, so I won't go into great detail here as to what exactly is wrong with me, but the doctors say that since the loss of my father, I have had a depression problem which I haven't been dealing with, hence all my dreams about death and loss and fear. They said that once I got close to someone (Carrie) who then left me, it pushed me over the edge, and I started to hallucinate. I told them about the ghosts, and voices, and all those other weird things that were happening to me, and they were very interested to meet Barry and to get his take on things. Well, they called my work place, and there is no one named Barry currently on their payrole. I know. It's hard for me to believe and deal with, but I guess Barry isn't real either. Their biggest fear was that I'd hurt myself, but after the interviews and meetings, they decided that some drug treatment, coupled with therapy twice a week would allow me to function normally, and that if my illness was treated, I was no real threat to myself or anyone else. So they have me taking some Zyprexa every day (I think it's about ten miligrams or so). It makes me a little bit dizzy sometimes, and my hands tend to shake a little bit, but otherwise, I feel a bit better. For the rest fo the week I'm going to be staying with my mother, and visiting the doctors every day, and then after that, if I'm doing well, I may be able to move back home, and try living on my own.

The voices have stopped, so that's a good thing, and it gives me hope that maybe everything will turn out OK for me in the end. I just kind of have to take it one day at a time for now. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been so kind to me while I've been going through all this crap. I've been just as confused and scared as all of you have been, and it's been hard for me these last couple of days, coming to grips with the fact that I do have some mental problems, that I need to learn to deal with. I'm sorry if I scared anyone. I didn't mean to. And I didn't mean to make anyone upset either. I'm just trying to do the best I can right now, so please bear with me. You are all the best, and I hope you're all doing well right now. I know I'm doing better.

Misery Loves Misery

2005-02-18T12:50:00.000-08:00

hHe flies are back. Or at least it feels like they are. My skin feels itchy and tickly, like there's something crawling on it. I know there's a ghost, or some presence here at my house. I can feel it. People have been commenting lately that maybe I need help. I do need help. I want help. But what they don't understand is how powerful fear is. Yes I'm scared to stay inside, but I'm even more scared to leave. Threatening letters. People watchng me. Bad dreams. Premonitions. I feel like my brain is on fire, and all I can do is sit here in my room with the door locked. The voices come and go, sometimes faint whispering, simetimes angry shouting, sometimes laughter. It makes me laugh now to. What else can I do but laugh? Look at where I am. Look at my life. Its a joke. Everything is a god damned joke to me right now.

But I do know this much. I will survive this. I'm not like my father. I'm not weak, and I'm not going to give in. A teacher in school once told me that being brave isn't not having fear, it's being afraid, but doing what is right anyway. That's how I feel I'll get through this. I think I've hit rock bottom, and when your at the bottomw, there's nno where to go but up. No matter how hard it is no matter how much your body cries out in anguish, in hate, in disgust. God it hurts so much right now.

Something has been knocking on my door all afternoon again. I'm not going to let whatever it is in. That's why I don't leave. Can't you see that there's something trying to keep me here? And if I try to leave, it will destroy me. I don't know how I know this, I just do. Barry understands what's happening though. He's been here, he's seen and experienced it first hand. I don't know if he feels the same way I do, but this thing, it doesn't appear to be targeting hi the same way it is me. His tires where never slashed, and he never found any dead animals on his car.

I don't know what to do. God save me.

Dreams and Daydreams

2005-02-17T13:17:00.000-08:00

It's getting hard for me to tell the difference between when I'm dreaming and when I'm not. Things are so surreal for me right now. I think it might be because I'm sleep deprived, or something, but it's a very weird feeling. I had some more weird dreasm last night/this afternoon. Here's a quick synopsis of them:

1 - I giant black hand was reaching for me out of the sky, and no matter where I ran, or where I hid, the hand kept apporaching me, grasping for me, and I knew if it ever caught me, I would be destroyed.

2 - Carrie is laughing at me, as I'm tied to a table, and she's slowly drawing razors across my chest and stomach, leaving little lines of blood.

3 - I'm holding my dad's body, his head has a hole in the back where brains and gore are leaking out, and I'm crying, trying to hold his head together, as if I could keep him alive, or even bring him back from his self inflicted gun wound.

That's just a taste, but sleep has been sporatic at best. I have a tremendous headache, and even though I've popped five advil in the last hour, it doesn't seem to be helping. The footsteps and doors finally stopped, or at least slowed down to a tolerable pace. Barry's at work, and as I sit here, typing on my computer, something even worse has started. The whispering. They're whipsering my name, and it's driving me nuts. I'd like to run out of here, to escape and go somewhere else, but where could I go? I'm being watched, and threatened, and I'm too scared to leave my locked up apartment, and I'm too scared to stay. So what do I do? THe easy thing. The cowardly thing. I try to hide. I try to find a place in myself where everything is going to be ok, no matter how bad they are. I keep trying to be optimistic about everything, but the world is so relentless right now. I wonder if this is the kind of stuff that put my Dad over the edge? I wonder if he started being visited by a ghost, or some people started harrassing him, and he only saw one way out. I used to think I could never understand that sort of desperation, but now, I'm not so sure. My head is pounding, throbbing, like it's going to explode. I can feel my pulse in it. But I guess that at least means I'm alive. And that counts for something.

Oh, and I got called by work. I got fired. I guess they like you to actually show up for work, or at least call, and I've been so freaked otu lately I must have forgotten. Just what I needed right now. I'll just have to find something new next week. God I hope Barry gets back soon. Maybe then my hands will stop shaking.

Footsteps and Doors

2005-02-17T03:33:00.000-08:00

My head feels like it's going to explode. It's three in the morning, and I haven't been able to sleep a wink. Barry is out lieka light on the couch, but I can't handle it. The footsteps started at about four o'clock this afternoon. It's like a group of people are marching around my apartment. When Barry got back from work he could hear it to. Then the door to the bathroom and my bedroom started opening and closing occassionally, like whatever it is was walking around from room to room. At first it was scary, Barry and I were both freaked out, but now, it's driving me up the wall. it makes my head hurt, and I feel liek I haven't slept in months. It's one of those piercing headaches, the kinds that seem to come from the center of your brain, rather than your sinuses or ears, like something is buried in the middle of your head, and is trying to scratch its way out.

I don't understand what these things want from me. Why me? What makes me special? Why should I have ghost problems, and people slashing my tires and putting dead birds on my car. What did I ever do? As if having my heart stomped on by a girl wasn't enough punushment. How much of this am I supposed to put up with? I feel like I'm drowning, and I don't know how much more I can take. Maybe if I could just get a good nights sleep I would feel better, but now I can't even get that. My face hurts, my back hurts, my shoulders are sore, I still have a nasty lump on the back of my head, my arms and legs itch where I was scratched, and I've got nasty welts from where the flies bit me. God I'm so pathetic. Now I'm sitting at my computer, crying like a little kid. I feel so picked on right now. I just want this to stop. I want my life to be the way it was. I want to be normal. I just want to be normal.

WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END?!?!?!

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!

Cops Are Useless!!!

2005-02-16T10:31:00.000-08:00

I'm pissed off, so sorry if this post is less than cordial. I've not had a good morning. But at least I'm skipping work again. Allow me to explain.

This morning, I got up to get ready for work. I was running a bit late again, and Barry had already left. I was really tired again. I've been having trouble sleeping lately, what with all the creepy goings on. So I got ready, grabbed a Mountain Dew out of the fridge to try and wake myself up a bit, and went to my car. But when I got to my car, I noticed a pile of something on the hood. As I got close, I could see that there were three dead birds. Normally, a dead bird wouldn't suprise me, but there were three of them sitting there, three big black dead birds, and they were arranged in the shape of a triangle, head to tail. Well, that struck me as odd, and coupled with the weird note I got, I figured that this wasn't a "natural" occurance, that probably someone had put them there. So, I did what I thought was right, and what Optimus Skiver has recommended I do. I called the cops.

COPS ARE USELESS!!!!

I'm sorry if you know a cop and are offended by that statement. But it's true. So I called the police, and told them I'd received a threatening letter and there was a dead animal on my car, and they told me they'd send a patrol car over as soon as they could. So I waited around, and about two hours later this cop shows up. He looked to be about my age. THis is roughly how the conversation went.

Cop - Hello, are you JD?

Me - Yes. Thanks for coming out. Here's the dead animals I found on my car this morning. (I gestured towards the hood of my car).

Cop - (Smirking) Yea, so some kids were playing with some dead birds. Is that all.

Me - (pausing) Um....so you think some kids took some dead birds and arranged them in a triangle on the hood of my car?

Cop - Well, who do you think did it? Besides, it's not like they broke a law or anything.

Me - Well, what about this (I pulled the letter I found yesterday out of my pocket and handed it to the cop)?

Cop - (Reading letter) And this was foudn with the birds?

Me - No. I found it yesterday. Someone had slipped it under my door.

Cop - (Smirking) Huh, so how does this have anything to do with the birds?

Me - (Pausing in disbelief) What do you mean? It's a threat!

Cop - (holding the letter out in front of me) Where did they threaten you exactly?

Me - With the whole "watching me in my sleep" line. Isn't that against the law. They're basically saying they're going to stalk me. Isn't that illegal?

Cop - Well, I guess so, but only if you can identify who it is. Do you know who might have wanted to send something like this to you?

Me - I have no idea.

Cop - Hmm....I don't see why your conecting this to a couple of dead birds on your car. It sounds unrelated to me. Probably just some kids pranking you or something.

Me - So what should I do? I don't want to keep getting harrasing letters, and I don't like finding dead animals on my car.

Cop - (sighing heavily) Look, keep the letter (handing the letter back to me). If you get another one, or you find some more animals or something, then give us a call and we'll file a report. But for now, this looks like a coincidence to me. Anyone could have sent this letter to you. You could have sent it to yourself.

Me - (getting angry) I didn't...

Cop - Look, I'm not saying you did, but until we have something more concrete than a vaguely threatening letter and some dead birds to go on, no one is going to take this seriously. (He started walking back to his car) Listen, if something else happens, then give us a call, and we'll look into it. For now, just try to relax, and if you can think of any reason why anyone would want to send this to you, make a note of it in case this continues. I've got to get going. (Get's in car)

Me - (Standing there watching the cop drive away) Thanks for nothing...

So now I'm at home, paranoid to leave my apartment, and paranoid to stay in it. I could probably handle one thing at a time, but weird ghost crap mixed with weird stalker crap is a bit to much right now. I just need to calm down.

Mystery Note

2005-02-15T15:49:00.000-08:00

OK, so I went out and got some food to cook tonight (Totino's Pizza) and stopped by Office Max to get some printer paper, since I'm running low. When I came home (around 3:30-ish) I opened the door, and lying on the floor was a folded piece of paper. I put my bag of groceries down (which included pizzas, potato chips, Dr Chill; the crappy cub foods Dr. Pepper knock off, Bacon, and some motzerella cheese), and picked up the letter. This is what it said:

JDP-

Believe what you want, your mind will not change reality, reality will change your mind. Each individual must choose and disvocer for themselves the truth. Have you found your truth? Answers will come with time, but know this: you cannot stop us. As you sleep, we will watch, as you eat, we will watch, as you work, we will watch. Learn from us. As others have trod, so shall you tread. Here and now is your time.

That's all. What the heck does this mean? Now I'm more freaked out than ever. Barry should be here soon. I bet he'll want to see this. After reading it I locked and chained the door, and shut all the windows and closed the shades. I wonder if it's just some random weird coincidence, or if something bad is happening to me. "Just Me" is right. My life is starting to sound like a crappy B-Movie plot line. If it's that Nazi's, then at least it's an Indiana Jones movie. ;)

Terrible Morning!

2005-02-15T11:27:00.000-08:00

I woke up late this morning. Barry got up well before I did, and headed out to work. I got up a half hour after I was already supposed to be at work. I must have been more tired than I thought. It didn't feel like I slept very well, but then, if I didnt end up beating myself up, then I guess you could call it a good night's sleep. So I frantically got up, took a two second shower, threw on my clothes, and ran out to my car. But I had not one, not two, but three flat tires! I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. I had one of those crappy little tires in the trunk, the ones that say (only use for ten miles) or something, but I didn't have three. So I called into work and told them I wouldn't be able to come in. I wasn't feeling to hot anyway and didn't really want to go in, so I leveraged this as an excuse. I called a towing company to get my car and take it to a tire place. The tow only cost $150! What a rip off! Plus three new tires, which was just under $100. The mechanic asked who I'd pissed off, because he said my tires had been slashed. Which was why they couldn't just patch up the holes or whatever, because they were cuts about four inches long. I don't know why they didn't slash all four of my tires, but whatever, whoever it is are a bunch of jerks!

So now I'm at home, alone, still feeling like someone is watching me. I definitely feel another presence in the apartment, and while it isn't necessarily a feeling of fear, I certainly feel uncomfortable. Like someone is constantly watching me. it makes it unco9mfortable to change clothes and shower, because no one wants to do that in front of other people. Least of all someone like me, who is scrawny, geeky, and unattractive. :)

So in about an hour I get to go run some errands, to get some food and to pick up some new books. I've read most of the books I have, and I'm bored and want to read something. To at least distract myself until Barry gets home. I think I'm going to pick up the rest of the Ender books by Orson Scott Card, which, if you haven't read them, are some amazing books. Start with Ender's Game, and you'll be absolutely hooked. I heard they're making it into a movie. I hope it's good, although it would be easy for them to screw up.

I hope you're all well. Sorry about the length of yesterday's post. There was just a lot to tell.

Weekend Insanity

2005-02-14T17:37:00.000-08:00

Sorry I couldn't update sooner. Work has been absolutely swamped lately, and I had a crazy busy weekend. Some smaller ghost occurances, and a lot of research. I'll explain:

On Friday, Barry and I (yes, he's still crashng at my place in the hopes of seeing more ghostly activity) went and got some hamburger fixin's (it was really, really nice this weekend here in normally arctic Minnesota, so we thought we'd take advantage of it with my tiny little mini-grill. We made my "ultimate burger recipe" which is:

Take the hamburger, add the following to the raw meat before you make it into patties and grill them:
Worshchestershire Sauce
Soy Sauce
Garlic Powder
Lowry's Seasoned Salt
Chili Powder

Then you grill the meat, and assemble your burger with the following:
Lettuce
Pickle
Tomato
Onion
Ham (thin sliced sandwich stuff)
Swiss Cheese
American Cheese
Provalone Cheese
Ketchup
Mustard
Mayonaise

So, by the end you have a huge burger. Here comes the best part: Wrap the burger in tin foil, and put it back on the grill. Then place a brick or rock on top of the burger, and grill it for a couple more minutes. WHen you're done you will have a gooey crispy on the outside, delicious in the middle burger that is the best burger you'll ever have. Warning: This Burger recipe is so good, you may go into Burger Dimentia. It's that good.

So we made and ate our burgers, and then were having a nice evening of playing Halo 2 in storyline mode, when there was a loud scraping noise, and then a loud crash in my bedroom, followed by another scraping noise. We both kind of looked at each other, and then got up to investigate. We slowly opened the door to my room, and the bookshelf I have had somehow been tipped over, and then dragged clear across the floor and was lying face down against the opposite wall. There were scratch marks in the hardwood floors of my bedroom where it had been drug. We moved over to pick it up, and that's when we noticed something really weird. There were no books scattered across the floor like you would expect there to be. We picked up the bookshelf together, and the books fell out, as if somehow they had been stacked in the bookshelf while it was lying face down onthe floor.

Really weird, right? Well, it gets stranger.

So for the rest of the night, Barry and I were talking about the whole ghost thing, and I was recounting the experiences 've had to him (and some of the stuff you guys have told me), and he started asking a ton of questions about the book I'd found. I told him about it, the bits and pieces I could remember, and he said he thought the name "Behalah" was familiar, but he wasn't sure. So the next day "saturday" we decided to try and research it. For about six hours (way longer than we should have) we scoured the internet, trying to find any tidbit of information we could. The only thing we could come up with was that, according to several websites, it was an old Hebrew word for "Fear" from the bible. Barry thought the book, at least the way I was describing it, sounded like some sort of culty thing, you know, like Heaven's Gate, or Jones Town. He also thought it sounded similar to the Necronomicon, (thanks K!) and thought maybe we should check that out a bit to. So Barry told me that the next day, Sunday, we'd go with one of his friends to the University of Minnesota Library (I think it was the Wilson Library) and see what we could find. His friend was in Law School or something, so he said between the three of us, we should be able to figure something out.

So then that night, I had another bad dream. It really sucked. I was sitting in a library, and even though I know I'd never been there, for some reason I knew I was in London. Barry was there, and we were trying to find out about the Cult of Behalah. I know, my dreams seem so easily influenced by what happens to me during the day! So were were frantically trying to find out some information, I don't know what, but I remember the urgency of trying to find it, but we couldn't. Just as Barry found this old fat dusty book which we had been looking for, we heard some loud yelling behind us. There were these four muscular men, three dressed in black, one in white, who were walking all over the building yelling and pushing people out of their way. We knew they were coming for us, so we took off running. We got out of the building, but no matter how quickly Barry and I ran, they were catching up to us. I hate those dreams! So the men finally were getting close to us, and we turned to duck into an alley, hoping to lose them, but the alley was a dead end. The four men walked up to us, as Barry and I frantically looked around for some sort of escape. The men walked up to us, and stood there, silently. Barry walked up to the man in white and handed him the book. He then turned and smiled at me. The man in white nodded, and the three men in black walked over to me, and started punching and kicking me. I tried to fight back at first, but they were way bigger, so I dropped to the ground in the fetal position, covering my head and stomach as best I could. As I lay there on the wet dirty pavement, their blows landing all over my body and face, I could see Barry and the man in white walking off together, and I could hear Barry saying my name over and over again. That's when I woke up. I was lying on the floor, and I was being attacked.

My room was pitch black, but I could feel something grabbing my wrists and trying to pin me to the ground. I struggled back hard, kicking out with my foot, and I hit Barry right in the crotch. He instantly let go and fell to the floor groaning loudly. I must have it him really hard. So I stood up, and flipped on the light. That was when I felt the pain in my face, sides, and legs. I felt my face, and one of my eyes and my bottom lip was swollen, and my nose was wet with blood. Barry finally got his breath and explained what had happened.

HE had heard some struggling/thrashing sounds coming from my room, and me grunting and groaning. When he opened my door, he saw that I was lying on the ground and it looked like I was having a sezure. He ran over to make sure I was OK, and he tried to hold me still, but I kept hitting myself in the face and body really hard, so he grabbed my wrists and started shouting my name to try and wake me up. And that's when I kicked him in the crotch.

I went to the bathroom, and cleaned my face up as best I could (I was pretty messy), and after explained the dream to Barry. I apologized profusely for the kick, and he suggested either he sleep on the floor of my room, or I go sleep out on the floor in the living room, so if something like that happens again (like it did with the flies) he could be there to help me stop hurting myself. He's convinced it has something to do with the ghost(s) in my house, and like you guys, that it might be related to the Behalah book, since it figured so prominantly into my dream.

THe next day, Barry came back from the library (I was too tired and sore to go with him), and said they hadn't found anything. The reason he foudn this so fascinating is that i had found an entire book devoted to the subject, but there was no mention of this on either the Internet or in a huge university library. He said that didn't make sense, since he assumed one of the two would at least mention somethng about a book being printed, or anything about the book. But they came up empty handed. Barry also said he had the distinct feeling that he was being watched while he was at the library. He never saw anyone, at least, nothing he could outwardly prove, although he said there was one guy that seemed to be conveniently in the same isle as he and his buddy Dan were the whole time. I've had that creepy "being watched" feeling more frequently lately as well. I hope my dream about four evil stalkers isn't coming true! :)

So the book remains a mystery for now. Hopefully my dreams will get a little less intense. I thought about going to see a doctor or something for it, since my face is pretty ugly (or shoudl I say "uglier") than it normally is. I know some of you mentioned I should maybe think about seeing a therapist or something, especially if I'm unconciously hurting myself, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. It's seems like such a last resort. I think if I can get to the bottom of the ghost thing, or just move out (only a couple more months on my lease), I'll be fine. I guess we'll see. Hope you're all doing better than I am. :)

Blog Disclaimer

2005-02-14T09:25:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone. Sorry I haven't posted for awhile.

First of all, to "Just Me", I don't know if you meant your movie comment to make it sound like I was a good writer, or like I'm making all this crap up, but be careful. You don't need to come to my blog, no ones asking you to, and you certianly shouldn't come here to pick fights with people like Aimee, who are only trying to help me, and who understand what I'm going through. Frankly, I don't really care wether or not you or anybody else believes me, and I'm sure Aimee feels the same. But please be civil and nice to my friends, and don't accuse them of lying about who they are and what they've been through. Aimee has e-mailed me a lot about her past, and I for one, believe everything she's said to me, niot only because I have no reason to doubt her, but also because a lot of the things she's told me about her past are almost identical to what is happening to me, and they are small details that I haven't written about on the Blog. So believe what you like (after all, sceptecism is healthy), but there's no need to be nasty.

I'll update ya'll with my weekend events a little bit later. I'm swamped at work!

Proof Positive

2005-02-09T09:57:00.000-08:00

OK Ladies and Gentelmen, I believe we now have some actual proof that someone besides me is experiencing the whole ghost thing. Allow me to explain what happened.

Last night, as is typical, I had a bad dream. I was walking through a field that had bright golden wheat everywhere, and as I was walking, I was holding my hands out, letting the top of the wheat tickle my hands as the wind blew it. It was a very calmed, relaxing feeling as the sun beat down on my head. As I was sitting there, breathing in the sweet smells of the outside in the summer, the sky suddenly turned black. The wind picked up, and thunder and lighting was crashing around my head. As the wind picked up stronger and stronger, the wheat began to whip my skin, and bits and pieces of it were flying into my face. It started to sting all over my body as the wheat bit into my flesh, and that's when I woke up. But I woke up, not because I was afraid or anything, but because the pain I was feeling was actually happening to my real body.

I sat up in bed and there were hundereds, maybe even thousands of flies in my room, buzzing everywhere, and several of them were crowded around my skin, eating away at the scratches I'd gotten earlier. Their must have been some horse flies in their two, because I could feel several of them biting me. I got up and started shouting for Barry, but it only came out a muffled cry, because as soon as I opened my mouth, a bunch of the flies went into it. I got up, flies buzzing in my ears, my nose, my eyes, and stumbled out the door. Barry was standing there, looking half asleep, but when he saw me, he bolted over and slammed the door shut. He then, thinking much quicker than I would have, grabbed a towel out of the bathroom and started swatting the flies off of my body. It was such a gross feeling, having all those little legs crawling all over my skin. it still makes me shiver.

So, after we'd gotten rid of all the flies on me, I got up, and grabbed another towel, which we wet down, and we opend the door and just started swingin. It must have taken us three hours, but we finally managed to kill all of the little guys. It was horrible! Once we were done, we both stood there, thousands of tiny fly bodies scattered on the floor, and started going:

EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!

So At least we took care of them, and Barry definitely saw all the flies, so there's no way it was just in my mind. My arms and legs, and the back of my head sting still though. YUCK!!! Oh Man, every time I think about it it's just too gross to even think about. I called my building management, and they said they'd call the exterminators to come take a look at the whole building. So Barry and I swept up the bodies, and threw them into a trash can. By the time we were done, it was practically time for me to get up for work, so we just stayed up and chatted about the ghost/demon/poltergeist/whatever it is.

The Ouiji Board has not reappeared. I was kind of hoping it would, because that would confirm in my mind what Aimee's been saying. And the book I threw away is still gone as well, but that hasn't changed anything either. Which is disappointing. Because I really was enjoying reading that book. Thanks for nothing guys. :) I kid.

Alright, I'm going to get back to work, since it's the only thing keeping me awake right now. I hope you're all well, and (shudder) feeling cleaner than I am right now. I can't get it out of my mind. It was so disgusting. Oh man. I may never sleep again. The feeling of all those little feet. Blech!

Until later.

(shudder)

Yet Another Monday

2005-02-07T09:15:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone.

I feel I need to clarify a couple of my own comments. So please bear with me. I'm not going to quit blogging. My "Maybe I shouldn't be blogging" comment came at a moment of extreme self conciousness. I know people are rying to help me, and I don't think anyone has ever meant to be mean to me, or hurt my feelings on my blog (well, except for a certain individual who then apologized for it), but you just have to put yourself in my position. Weird stuff is happening to me, stuff I can't explain, and then people start basically debating over your sanity, well, it's a little unnerving. But you know, I'm over it. I know you're all triyng to help me, and I appreciate your concern. So I never would want someone to stpo posting, and Midnight Lamp, it's not like your opinion is less valid than anyone elses, it's just a bit harder for me to hear, what with me being the one going crazy and all. :)

But enough of that. Last night, while I was sleeping, in the middle of the night I was woken up by the sound of fottsteps in my room. It was really dark in my room, and I could barely see anything, but I heard footsteps walking over by my bookshelf. I sat there, my head slowly sinking under the covers as the familiar knot of fear presented itself in my stomach. For those of you who are psychologists, or psychiatrists, I'd like to know why it is that being under the covers makes you feel safe. Like when you're a kid, and you're convinced there's a monster in your room, why would covers feel so protective? It's not like if there really was a monster with giant claws in your room, about to eat you, it would walk up to your bed and say "Damn! I have these giant sharp claws, if only this tasty child wasn't protected by my one weakness. Cloth!!!" I dunno, seems silly to me.

But anyway, I could hear whatever it was walk around by my bookshelf, and then occaisionally I could here books sliding in and out of my shelf, almost like they were looking through my library. THen the footsteps moved to the other side of the room, to where my computer desk is situated, and starte dshuffling some of the papers around. Then, just as suddnely as it started, it stopped. I didn't hear anymore footsteps, and the thing left the rest of my belongings along.

It took me quite awhile to get back to sleep after that. The next morning, I asked Barry if he heard anything, and he said he woke up in the middle of the night when he heard soem footsteps, but when he realized they were coming from my room, he assumed it was me, getting up to go to the bathroom or something. So could this be the proof you wanted?

The problem is, he doesn't really remember what time it was that he heard it, and since he blew it off, I don't know if it really was the ghost/demon thing he heard, or maybe it really was me getting up to go to the bathroom (I have a terrible habit of eating and drinking a bunch right before I go to bed, so I usually have to get up at least once in the night/early morning, and I don't really remember if I did last night). So it's not the greatest proof, but it does give me hope that maybe he'll be able to hear/see something if he keeps at it, and stays over at my house more.

So keep your fingers crossed, and keep the comments coming, even if you think I'm totally off my rocker. And thanks again for everybody who is trying to help me. It's nice to know I have friends, even if I haven't met any of you.

:)

Insane Or Not?

2005-02-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

Well, maybe this whole Blogging thing was a bad idea. Now I have people telling me I'm going slowly insane from the amount of stress in my life. ;)

Intriguing idea. But here's something that doesn't make much sense. The whole "Ghost/Demon" thing started way back before my life became super stressful. Before I met Carrie, and before she riped my heart to tiny little pieces. So why would it have started back then? I just don't get it. Also, let's try and remember that while sometimes I am frantic and scared by this stuff, the reason my Blog seems so calm and flippant, is that by the time I've written in here, I've had time to roll things around in this tiny brain of mine, and come to grips with them.

As for Erik never seeing anything, well, maybe he just has bad timing. The events seem to occur about once a week or so, and Erik was only ever gung-ho about seeing a ghost for a few days after one event. See, Erik has the attention span of a gnat on speed, so he quickly grows tired of things.

By the way, special thanks and non-romantic-intended-hugs (in case you think I'm a creepy insane internet freak) go out to Aimee and Lohan's for defending my honor. If I were a Princess, you'd by my Knights in shining armor. :)

Now, in order to prove my sanity, or at least prove that this isn't just me, I've offered to Barry, and he has graciously accepted, the oppourtunity to sleep on my couch for the next week. If nothing happens, and he sees nothing, then I'll go get some help or something, since it means it could just be me and my mental problems. But if he does see something, maybe then people will start to take me more seriously. Or at least, stop telling me I'm crazy. :)

So does that satisfy everyone? I hope so. I invited Erik to sleep here as well, but well, he's ben kind of weird around me ever since I had that really bad nightmare. Oh well. People are like that I guess. And you've got to roll with the punches. :)

For Those About To Rock...

2005-02-03T11:39:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I went with an AC/DC lyric to start this post. I hate AC/DC. :)

Anyway, for those of you who are interested, Lohans provided a link to an alleged ghost film, and the thing filmed in it does look very similar to the ghost I saw. The robes look grayer, but that may be a result of the camera, or something. But anyway, here's the link:

http://www.hrp.org.uk/webcode/content.asp?ID=854

Thanks again Lohans! Maybe the ghost in this video was looking for Captain Crunch as well. :)

So thing continue on for me. I've still got a huge knob on the back of my head, my hand is still cut, and those scratches on my arms are slowly beginning to fade. Man am I looking pathetic. :)

I'm at work, again, like I always am at this time of day. I hate my job so much. It sucks. Barry at least makes it tolerable. We're going to go out to eat today at Chipotle, which, if you don't know, is a great Burrito joint. The burritos are like seventy pounds though, so I usually get two meals out of one. Which isn't a bad thing, since they're so good! Do you think Chipotle would pay me for the endorsement? :)

For some reason today I've had this creepy feeling, like someones watching me? Does that ever happen to you? You can't quite place why, but your skin feels kind of itchy, or oily, and the back of your neck feels tense, like someone is just staring at you? Anyway, that's what I've been feeling today. It's creepy. Maybe my Ghost/Demon buddy decided to follow me to work today. If he did, I imagine he'll go home soon, since he's probably bored out of his mind!

I'm the clumsiest moron of them all...

2005-02-02T09:48:00.000-08:00

So I had another run in with the ghost, and I ended up hurting myself in the process. It scared me really bad at first, but then I just ended up feeling stupid. Which is certainly nothing new to me.

So I was sitting in bed, reading (I've been having trouble sleeping lately). I was reading "The Story of the Eye" By Geroges Bataille, which is probably the most disturbing book I've ever read, even more so than Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs, and it actually predates it by quite a long time. Man that's a screwed up novel. Anyway, I was lying in bed, reading, when I heard the something in the kitchen. It sounded like someone had closet one of the cupboards. I sat up and starte dlistening, unsure if maybe I was hearing things. And sure enough, I heard it again, the distinct sound of one of my cupboards opening, and another one closing. Since now I'm kind of getting used to this, I tried ignoring it. But it seemed like the more I ignored it, the more upset the ghost got, and the louder the banging was. Erik had stopped sleeping on my couch a few nights back, since again, nothing was happening but my stupid nightmares, so I was alone in the house (of course! What bad luck I have!)

So I got out of bed, threw on some random clothes that were in my room, and crept towards the door. As soon as I startedmoving though, the cupboards stopped as well. I opened the door and peared out into the hallway. Suddenyl, and completely silently, a hooded figure wearing white walked past my door in the hallway. It freaked me out so badly, and I stumbled backwards in terror. I tripped over my computer chair trying to get away form the door (it's funny how your survival instinct kind of take over, and you don't realize what you're doing), and I banged the back of my head on the computer desk corner as I fell backwards. I laid on the floor for a second, a bit dazed, when the door to my bedroom slammed shut. I don't mean the wind blew it closed, I don't mean it closed because of gravity, I mean it closed like some angry teenager had just fought with his parents and stormed off to his room and slammed the door. I slowly pulled myself to a sitting position on the floor, and felt the back of my head. There was a huge lump developing where I had hit it, and there was a little bit of blood in my hair. Also, apparently, as I was falling , I had tried to catch myself, and ripped up the cuts on my hand frm yesterday even more, because they were bleeding again,a dn my hand and head both were throbbing. But the funny thing is, as I was just sitting there, my heart pounding from the adrenaline and my body screaming at me for being so clumsy, I didn't really feel afraid, I just felt stupid. I mean, here I am, discovering and seeing things that maybe no one has ever done before, and what do I do to impress this ghost, or even demon, that's decided to visit me? I nearly knock myself out falling over my own furniture.

Maybe the ghost will leave me alone, once he realizes how completely pathetic of a person he's decided to pick on.

But now I've seen the ghost. It's definitely a ghost, and I just wish I knew what it wanted. It was rumaging around my kitchen, maybe it wanted some Captain Crunch? Sorry if I'm being flippant about the whole thing. I think it might be a coping mechanism. I mean, how am I supposed to wrap my head around something like this? It's insane!!!

The Weirdness Continues

2005-02-01T15:09:00.000-08:00

So soemthing weird just happened. I was sitting at my desk, surfing the internet (which is what I do most of the day, after 12:00, since I usually finish most of my work by then) and with my left hand I was playing with my staple remover. You know, just kind of fiddling, not really thinking about what I was doing. Well, I was going back and reading some of the older blog entries I'd done, you know, just kind of glossing over my past. Specifically, I was reading the parts about Carrie and I, you know, kind of remenising about the good ol' days. Suddenly, one of my coworkers, Karen, said loudly "Geez JD, is your hand OK?". I looked at her puzzled, and then looked down at my hand. I must have been squeezing the staple remover really hard, becasue there was blood leaking out between my fingers, and it had formed a little pool on my desk. I opened up my hand and dropped the staple remover, and sure enough, I had a couple of deep gashes in the palm of my hand. It started to sting and ache pretty bad, which was weird, because up until then, it didn't hurt at all. I made up some lame excuse about how I was just finishing something up before I went to bandage it up to Karen, and then I went to the break room, where we keep the crappy little employee's first aid kit. I washed my hand off (there was a suprising amount of blood, and as I poked and proded the cuts to see how deep they were, Barry walked in and asked what happened. I told him I accidently cut my hand playing with my staple remover. He made fun of me, adn then helped me bandage it up, since I only had one hand to work with. Anyway, weird things just keep happening to me. I must be losing my mind. :)

the tEMPLE Has forgotten

2005-02-01T09:04:00.000-08:00

Barry is a really, really cool guy. Everytime I talk to him, it feels like we've been friends for ages, like this isn't the first time we've met. Has anyone else ever met someone like that before? A Person who they have so much in common with, it's emediatly like you've been friends since you were six years old?

Last night he came by, and we hung out for awhile, talking about video games, movies, music, etc. And I told him about all the ghost stuff. He thought I was making it up, at first, but I think as I told him more and more details about it, he started to believe me. We practically stayed up the whole night, listening to tunes and talking about ghosts and ghost related things. I guess it wasn't the first time he'd heard stories about the supernatural from friends. Like this one guy he knew in high school, named Dan.

Last year, apparently, the guy was put in some sort of hospital by his parents, because he just lost it. Can you imagine how weird it would be though, to put your own son in a mental hospital? Obviously, it must have been a last resort for the poor kid. Most parents wouldn't think of having their kid committed as their "First Choice" for dealing with their problems, but I'm digressing here.

Evidently the guy (Dan) was a pretty normal guy in high school, not that popular, but he had friends, in a couple of activities, but by no means an overacheiver. I guess he started hearing voices (sound familiar) and seeing these people dressed all in black with hoods walking around his house. Not long after that he said things would suddenly move on their own, or go missing when no one had been in his room, things like that. Geez, doesn't that sound familiar? Leary of what most people would think, the guy didn't really talk about it al that much, he only told a coupel of his friends, but you know how that goes. Of course, after awhile, the whole school knew about it. Really, people can be pretty mean about these things, and I guess they started teasing him, calling him "Ghostbuster" and what not. Years went by, and he talked about it less and less, and became more and more reclusive and obseesive, and no body really heard anything more about him. At least, not until Barry foudn out he'd been comitted and was undergoing some serious drug therapy. Nice ending to the story, huh?

Don't get me wrong, Barry may have just been full of it, you know, trying to scare me or something. The thing is, though, it seemed like he was just telling me a story so I wouldn't feel alone, you know. Evidently Barry simply felt bad for the kid. Really, he said, who is to say whether Dan was carzy or not? Reality is such a subjective thing anyway, and how do we know that Dan was seeing the truth, and we are al deluded. Or something like that. Reality doesn't seem that dubjective to me, but then, what do I know?

Last Day of January Already?!?!?!?

2005-01-31T14:20:00.000-08:00

Where does the time go? It seems like New Years was just yesterday, but now January has flown by. Craziness!!

I'm at work again. There's a new coworker here, his name is Barry, and he seems pretty cool. He has died black hair, and bright blue eyes. He's pretty tall (taller than me), heavier set (i.e. fatter than me) and loves video games. It's nice to have someone new around the work place to talk to. I'm not sure exactl where he sits, but his breaks must be around the same time mine our, because we always run into each other in the break room. He plays World of Warcraft, so he might join my clan sometime later this week, althought he hasn't been playing as long as Erik and I have.

I swear, after rereading that last paragraph, most peole would think I have a crush on him or something. Well, I don't. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, (sometimes, especially lately, I wish I was) I'm just not. I don't make friends very easily, and so when there's someone cool who lieks the same stuff I do, it's just a good thing for me. I mean, I don't really hang out with my other "friends" all that often. I'm too shy. Listen to me. I'm such a dork.

What The Heck?!?!?!?

2005-01-28T13:14:00.000-08:00

I don't know what just happened!?!?!?!

I had just gotten into work at about the same time I do every day (7:00 a.m.), and I decided to type that post I just wrote. I finished typing it, and posted it, and when I checked to make sure it posted correctly, it said I posted the message at 1:12 p.m.!!!! At first I thought that maybe there was soemthing wrong with Blogger, or something, but sure enough, when I looked over at the clock, it's almost 1:15 p.m. What the hell happened to my morning/afternoon?!?!?!?! I'm practically done with work, and as far as I know, I haven't done anything!!!!

This is definitely weird. i must be more out of it than I thought. Now I have to do a day's work ina couple of hours. Better get crackin'!!!

:)

Another Exhausted Day

2005-01-28T13:12:00.000-08:00

Well, I just got into work, and I thought I'd type up a quick update, so as to avoid doing any actual work until my brain fully wakes up. I need to get me some coffee!

I'm doing well. I still have some scratches, and my shoulders are both pretty sore, but what can you do? I didn't have any bad dreams last night, they were the usual kind of dreams that I have, completely random and weird. in one dream, I was Odie in the Garfield comic strip, and no matter how hard I tried, Garfield always out-smarted me, making me look completely follish in front of Jon, our owner. I hate Garfield, so why I had a dream about him is beyond me.

So other than that, there's not much new. I got rid of the Ouiji Board, and it hasn't reappeared. At least, not yet. According to a lot of people, it will. And, for those of you who were worried about it, I got rid of the Book as well. I tried to sell it at a used bookstore, but unfortunately, they don't by books that are ripped up and missing the first couple of pages. So I tossed it in the trash can. If this solves the ghost problem, then I'll be feeling rather stupid. I mean, a book, that's possesed? Seems kind of silly to me. But then, the idea of hauntings seemed pretty silly to me as well. And now look at me. :)

I've started looking into therapy for the nightmares, etc. And to get over Carrie. I don't know. When I said "sometimes youhave to be masochistic", I didn't mean in the cutting yourself kind of way (it seems like some people took it that way). I just meant, listening to depressing music when your depressed can feel a bit masochistic. So it's not like I'm intentionally hurting myself or anything. But I appreciate the concern.

Other than that, there's not all that much new in my world. I'ma little tired. I played a lot of video games the other night, and have had no ghost attacks since last week. Erik is a little dissappointed. Me, I can't say I am. I'm ready to move out and have this whole thing be over with.

Hope you're all doing well, and thanks for being so cool!!!

Another Day Another Dollar

2005-01-27T11:01:00.000-08:00

So I had a really intense nightmare last night.

I was sitting in my apartment with Carrie. We were kissing, and everything was good between us again. We both kept saying how much we loved each other, and I remebered how great it felt to be with her. Everything seemed so real, how she smelled, her mannerisms, everything was so realistic. But then, she got really pale, and said she didn't feel very good. Then, she blacked out. I started to get a really sick panicy feeling, as she seemed to get whiter and whiter. So I started screaming for help, when these three men, dressed all in black with black doctor's mask things on and wierd dark glasses/goggles (kind of like the goggles WWI pilots used to wear, like Snoopy did on Peanuts) over their eyes rushed into the room. One of them turned to me and said: "She is dying, and needs our help. Do you love her?" I responded "More than anything" and then they rushed the two of us off to a strange hospital place.

We arrived, and the hospital looked kind of like a normal hospital, only dingier. Like all of the normal bright white, antiseptic feeling associated witha hospital was gone, and everything here looked cracked, rusty and dirty. They rushed her into a room, and the same guy who had spoken to me earlier said "The doctor will be in shortly" and then the three of them just stood over Carrie staring at her. I was frantic, pacing, wondering when the doctor would get there (isn't it weird how dreams make total sense when you're having them?), when finally the door opened, and a man walked in. He was dressed just like the other men, except his clothes where all white (even the goggle lenses), and there were weird little decorative things sewed into his sleeves. He approached me, and put a hand on my shoulder. "Your lover is desperately sick,a nd she needs a blood transfusion. The procedure may kill you, but it's her only chance." I remember swallowing hard, and looking over at Carrie. She looked so pale, and sickly, and weak, and fragile. But at the same time I could see everything about her I loved, her beauty, her strength, her smile. I rolled up my sleeve, and looked at the doctor. "Do what you have to do" I said. He nodded, and then the three men in black ran towards me, making this weird clicking noise (it sounded like the scissors at a barber shop), and the grabbed me, lifting me off the ground, and put me on a bed next to Carrie. Then, they ripped off all my clothes, so I was lying there completely naked (perish the thought of people seeing my unattractive nude self), and started taking hundreds of needles with clear plastic tubes attached to the ends, and they started sticking them into the skin of my thighs and arms. It hurt really bad, and I started screaming as I watched them putting the needles in a vein, then out the skin on the other side, then into a different vein, like they were sewing a stitch in my skin. It burned really badly, but I tried as hard as I could to stay still so it wouldn't ruin the process, but I kept arching my back because of the intensity of the pain. As this was going on, I watched them strip off Carrie's clothes as well, and put six needles really long needs (at least 12 inches) in to her chest. As the blood started pumping out of my body, the burning got more and more intense, and I felt myself getting weaker and weaker each moment. But I could see the color returning to Carries face. The pain got worse and worse, and my body started to writhe in the agony, so one of the men dressed in black grabbed two big nails, and began pounding the nails through my shoulder with a huge black hammer, and into the table underneath me. It hurt so intensely, and my body was then pinned in place. Eventually, my vision started to give out, and everything was fading into a bright whiteness, and that's when I woke up.

Erik had walked into my room, because he had heard me screaming (he was sleeping on the couch, watching out for ghosts). He said I was rolling around in my bed, screaming and yelling like I was possesed. When he turned on the light, I noticed there was a bit of blood on my sheets, and when I looked at my arms and legs, I had these small nasty looking scratches all over them. I must have done like a sleep walking thing, and been scratching myself with my fingernails where the people had been putting the needles in. It didn't hurt to badly, it just kind of felt like a snburn or something, and most of them weren't bleeding, they were just these red scratches, but it feaked me out. I mean, c'mon, I've had some pretty intesnse dreams before, but this was a little out of hand.

Erik lectured me for awhile about how I should be seeing a therapist for this kind of stuff, that it wasn't normal, and now I'm hurting myself. But I don't really want to go to a therapist. It'd be too emberassing. I swore Erik to secrecy (of course, now I'm telling all of you about it), and he left to go back to sleep on the couch. I put some bandaids on the scratches that were bleeding, so i wouldn't stain my sheets any more than I already had, and then tried to go back to sleep (which, of course, didn't happen). This morning both my shoulders were really sore and a little bit bruised as well, so I must have hit myself too. So now I'm at work, wearign a long sleeve shirt so as to avoid emberassment, and I'm missing Carrie terribly. Man, just when you think things are going OK, something like this has to happen, that reminds you of how much you liked someone in the first place. This sucks.

Have any of you ever had sleepwalking episodes?

Happy Birthday!!!

2005-01-26T07:13:00.000-08:00

No, it isn't anyones birthday. I just felt like being random.

Well, it's shortly after seven in the morning. I'm here at work, after having stayed until seven last night. It's starting to feel like this is all I do with my pathetic, small life. Which sucks big time. I don't want to be like Carl, this guy I work with. He's been here since the beginning of time. He's really stupid, and has no ambitions in life. He's married with two children, and probably one fo the most boring people I've ever met. Although, something funny did happen yesterday.

Carl and Angela, these two obnoxious people who I work with (I think pretty much everyone I work with is obnoxious, but them more so than most) were talking to Jessica, a big fat girl who is taking an American Civics class at some loser college here in Minneapolis. So Jessica started quizing Carl and Angela about some things from her class. Here's a highlight of the best answers:

How many stars are on the american flag?

49? No, wait, 50, right?

How many stripes are on the flag?

Four

Who was the first President of the United States?

Abraham Lincoln

Can the Constitution be changed?

No. Of course not!

Who Elects the President of the United States?

The People. No wait, the liberal media! (ha-ha, yea, no kidding!)

I wish I was making this up, but sadly, I'm not. I mean, I don't follow politics too incredibly closely, but doesn't it seem kind of dumb to say the lebral media elected President Bush? But I digress.

I hope you're all well and having pleasant days. I have a splitting headache, and I'm listening to Radiohead's OK Computer album. Its making me more depressed about my job, and Carrie, and well, life in general. Oh well. Sometimes we all have to be a little masochistic. :)

Work Sucks!!!

2005-01-25T16:18:00.000-08:00

Howdy All.

Just a short update.

I'm stuck here at work, late, because three people called in sick. It sucks tremendously. I really am starting to hate my job. Maybe it's just that I haven't slept very well and I'm just abit crabby, but I think it's time I started looking for a new job. This one is downright miserable. But the big advantage is I get to spend most of my day surfing the internet. Things have been slow, so there's not much work to do, but they have to have people here to staff the phones just in case someone calls in. Hence my working late.

Erik is going to sleep over for the rest of the week, in the hopes that he'll get to see something Ghost like, or ghost involved. So good luck there. At least now it'll be his neck that's sore from sleeping on my crappy couch, and not vice versa. Stupid ghosts!

Well, I hope you're all doing well. I just realized today that I haven't really thought about Carrie for at least two days. That's pretty good progress, if I may say so myself. I am a liberated man. If I had a bra, I would burn it. Or something. That doesn't make sense. I'm an idiot. Until later. :)

More Bad News!!!

2005-01-24T15:39:00.000-08:00

My mom just called me here at work. She's comig to visit me in February (tentatively arriving the 18th). That's just great! Sounds like about as much fun as going to visit the dentist. As if my life isn't complicated enough right now.

:(

My Neck Hurts!

2005-01-24T11:10:00.000-08:00

Stupid piece of crap couch!

Everytime I have to sleep on Eriks stupid couch because of the stupid ghosts that won't stupid leave me alone in my stupid apartment, it makes my stupid neck stupid hurt. Right now, I don't know that I care anymore that there are ghosts making a fool out of me in my apartment, because I'm too tired, and too cranky to care. Vengence will by mine, you stupid ghosts!!! Exactly how one gets revenge against ghosts are beyond me, but I'll figure soemthing out, mark my words. :)

For now, I think I'm going to go back to sleeping at my apartment. Everything that's happened so far, witht he stupid ghost, isn't actually that bad (voices, poking my back, footsteps, voices, etc.) and maybe it's just the ghost living out it's life in my house. And so if I ignore them, they will ignore me, like in the movie "The Others". Right, that's just what I'll keep telling myself, since I'm too tired to even see straight. :)

Ouiji Boards

2005-01-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

OK, so I know that I said that I didn't think Ouiji Boards worked. But now, I'm convinced. Allow me to explain.

Last night, was a typical night for me. I stayed in, playing some video games, WoW, the usual. Then I watched a movie, Starship Troopers (I hadn't seen it for ages, and Erik lent me a copy), and then crashed. I had another nightmare, which is prety typical for me these days. Again, it was a dream about my Dad. I don't know why he's been on my mind (or more my subconcious mind) so much lately, and I wish he wasn't. Suicide isn't exactly the kind of thing you would want to dwell on. In my Dream, he was drowning in some thick grey liquid, and I was trying to reach him, but I was to scared to reach far enough to get him. I didn't want to be pulled in. So I just sat there watching him drown, crying, as his hand eventually submerged and he was gone. Not exactly a great dream.

I woke up drenched in sweat, like I usually do in these situations. So I decided to get up and get a drink of water. It must have been around three o'clock in the morning or so. I don't know wh these ghost experiences always seem to happen so late at night. But they do. I stumbled into the kitchen and groggly poured myself a glass. As I was drinking, I heard some footsteps behind me. It was pretty loud, and there wasn't really any mistaking what it was. I turned around to make sure there was no one there, and when I did the footsteps stopped. I stood there, my heart pounding in my chest. I waited, as tension seemed to build in the room, and then I heard the footsteps run from the living room into my bedroom, and my bedroom door slammed shut. I dropped my glass of water, it made me jump so bad. It broke, which sucks, but at the time, it was the last thing on my mind. I slowly started walking towards my room, and as I walked, I heard a laugh. At first I thought maybe it was my imagination, but then I heard it again. It sounded like a little kid laughing, and it was coming fom my room. I slowly krept to my rooms as quietly as the wood floors would allow, and when I got to my door, I paused and listened. I heard the laugh again, and it was definitely in my room, and it was definitely a little kid.

Working up the courage, I stood there for a minute wondering wha to do. I could go sleep on the couch, I could go to Erik's apartment and crash there (I'm not to sure he'd be glad to see me at 3:00), or I could se what was in my room. A couple of deep breathes later, I grabed the knob and twisted. The door opened efortlessly, and inside there was nothing out of place. I I stood there for a second, listening. I could hear a soft scratching noise. It wasn't very loud, but it was distinct. I stepped into the room, straining my ears to hear where the noise was coming from. It seemed to be coming from the closet. I walked over, took a deep breath, and opened it. There, on the floor, was the Ouiji Board. It had somehow gotten unpacked, and the scratching noise was coming from the lens as it was moving very quickly all over the board. I don't really remember what I did, probably just stood there shocked like a moron, but the Ouiji Board as moving, all by itself, faster and faster. I must have started to back up without thinking about it,, and I sipped on the floor, stumbling backward, and then just like that, the thing stopped moving.

I regained my footing, and after standing there panting, the adrenaline at an all time high, I slowly moved back to the closet. The Ouiji Board was just sitting there on the floor. That was when I felt it. Something, someone, poked my back with their finger. I whipped around as my heart jumped into my throat, and I heard the child laugh again. Well, that was the end of that, I grabbed a shirt and some pants, threw them on, ran to Erik's apartment, and started knocking really loudly. He came to the door a bit later, his face creased from sleeping. I told him the whole story, and he wanted to go up and see for himself. I handed hm my key, and told him he was welcome to, but there was no way I was going back in there tonight.

Erik went up there for a bit, while I sat on his couch, and came back and said there was nothing going on that he could see. I didn't care. I knew what I saw, so I slept the rest of the night (I guess you could call it "sleeping" although I doubt I actually did) until this morning. Now I'm over at his place, not wanting to go back to mine, and not wanting to sleep another night on his couch (it's not exactly the most comfortabel couch in the world). So I guess I'll deal with that tonight.

So, that's the update for now. Pretty Freaky!!! I'll let you know if anything else happens. Man, I just want to move out. Only a couple of months let to put up with.
:)

When it rains, it snows

2005-01-22T14:57:00.000-08:00

Finally! Mid January and it has finally snowed here in good ol' Minnesota. We had gotten a little bit over the last couple of months, but in most places ou could still see the grass. But last night, good ol' mother nature decided to drop a oad of snow. 6 - 8 inches in fact. More than we've seen here for quite sometime. It' spretty pathetic. Usually it snows way more than this.

So getting my car out to run to the grocery store was an adventure. The roads in front of m apartment hadn't been plowed, so it was slippery, and my tires wouldn't grip the road. It took quite an effort to get it out. Good times!!!

Well, that's the only updat for now. I'm going to spend the rest of the evening trying to relax in my ghost apartment, pla some video games, and think about how nice it is to not have to leave my apartment until Monday. Hope you're all staying dry and warm!

Questionaire

2005-01-20T09:53:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone.

Robyn, a fellow blogger, sent me a bunch of questions about the whole ghost thing, so she can maybe give me some advice. So I thought I'd post the questions and my answers for everyone to read. The nice thing about the internet, is even though you guys kind of know who I am, I don't really feel emberassed about talking about my personal things, because I'll probably never meet any of you. :)

Well first off get rid of the book you found. I think I posted that onyour blog somewhere.
-How could the book be linked to this? I'm just curious about that one :) -

The questions are basic:

Do you or anyone in your family have a history of any of the following:

Mental illness
-My Dad comitted suicide a few years back. He probably suffered from some sort of depression or mania or something, but I don't think he was ever diagnosed. I didn't know him all that well. -

Drug or Alcohol Addiction
-My Mom drinks on ocassion, but I wouldn't label it alchoholism. My Dad drank a bit more, but again, I didn't know him all that well, so it's hard for me to answer.-

Psychic ability-I don't know if I even believe this exists, so the answer would be not that I know of-

Magickal Practice
-Again, not that I know of-

Enemies
-I guess everyone has enemies of some kind or another, but nothing I can think of, nothing like a Green Goblin to Spiderman kind of thing-

Have you brough anything new into your home?
-Nothing recent, other than mundane things like groceries and the like.-

Have you had a relative friend/enemy or pet die recently?
-Nothing very recent. I don't have many friends, and no pets-

Have you ever used a hallucinogen (acid/lsd or the like)?
-I've been curious about them, but no, never have used them. Too many things could go wrong-

Have you every had a strange encounter of this kind before?
-Nope-

Did you have invisible playmates as a child?
-Umm....nothing that ever played back. I used to make up stories about a "friend" I had, but I knew it wasn't real when I was doing it.-

Do you believe in the spirit world?
-I'm not sure. I do believe in God, but beyond that I just get confused. :)-

Do you lucid dream?
-What is this? I guess if I'm asking, then probably not-

Do you ever feel like you are out of sync with the waking world?
-Sometimes I feel detached, almost like I'm watching a movie or soemthing, but that's only when I get pretty depressed-

Do you hear voices?
-Yes. But only since the "Ghost" stuff started happening. usually it's just my name being whispered, or seomthing unintelligable.-

How many hours of sleep do you get on a regular basis?
-I try to get 8, although usually I don't sleep the entire 8 hours, it takes me awhile to fall asleep.-

Do you believe in UFOs?
-I believe in UFO's, but I'm unsure about the aliens that are in them. I think they're more likely new planes being tested by our government-

Have you ever been abducted?
-Nope-

Were you abused as a child?
-I was spanked occassionaly, but nothing i'd label as abuse-

Have you ever had a head injury?
-Nothing like a concussion. I've had some stitches, but nothing serious-

Have you ever had a near death experience?
-Nope-

Are you actively part of some spiritual movement ( ie. Church, wicca,paganism, shamanism, buddhist)?
-Not really. Like I said, it's mostly just confusing, so I guess I'm agnostic-

Does this situation cause you fear?
-It does when it's happening, but when it isn't, I feel fine. I'm not afraid to be in my house or anything.-

Have you been injured by the spirit? If so how and when?
-Nope. I've just been scared by it-

Do these occurances take place at certain times or in certain places?
-They usually seem to happen at night, and in my apartment.-

Do you feel over stressed?
-Occasionally yes, but I don't think anymore than what most people feel-

Have you told people about what is going on or do you keep it quiet?
-I've told a couple of friends, and obviously, I'm blogging what's happening.-

Do you feel that the spirit wants something from you?
-Not that I can tell.-

How many spirits do you feel are involved?
-I have no idea. Maybe one? Who knows?-

Do you want this activity to stop?
-It would be nice. I mean, as long as they're not hurting me or anything, then I guess it's not that big of a deal, but it is a little freaky when I actually sit down and think about it.-

Those are the questions. I left out "Does the activity pick up whenyou are having your period"
- Well why would you leave that one out? :) -

Death Comes To Us All

2005-01-19T14:54:00.000-08:00

Buenos Dias Clase!

Everybody had to take a stupid language in high school, and mine was spanish. have you ever had one of those morbid days, where you seem to thnk an awful lot about death? And I don[t mean in a psychotic "boy I wish I could kill myself right now" kind of a way (although I will admit, the thought has gone through my head on occassion). Lately though, especially today, I find my mind wander to death, the end, el finito, game voer man. And I wonder what it would be like to die, to feel your life slipping away in some cold barren hospital room, or trapped in some car after an accident. Hopefully I'm not the only one who wonders what it'd be like, and if so, well, then I guess I'm just a freak. Heaven, or Hell? And if neither of those places exist, then what? Lately, I've been thinking that there most certainly must be something after death (what with the whole Ghost thing going on), but what it is I don't exactly know. And I doubt anyone would come asking me for a definitive answer on the subject, so I think I'll be OK in that department. Have you any thoughts, dearest Blogging friends? Eventually I guess we'll all find out for ourselves what exactly death is,a nd what it feels like. But for now, we'll just have to try and make the best of our wait. :)

OK, enough of that morbid crap, and onto more boring things (i.e. my life). Everything here goes much the same as it did before I met Carrie. It's kind of weird how quickly life can change. One minute, you're a lonely loser who plays video games all day, the next your flying high, filled with love and hope, and then snap, everything changes back to the way it was. Only things aren't exactly the way they were, in that I am now different. There is a hol ein my chest, a void, and I don't know if it will ever be filled again. I know, it sounds silly, like I'm over reacting (I mean, it is just one girl) but you have to remember that I'm not exactly a ladies man, or a great catch. I know this. I'm aware of this, and have accepted this fact. I just wish stupid jerk girls wouldn't come along and give me stupid hope. Oh well.

I've been reading a bit more in the "Mystery Book". It's still pretty interesting, for some reason, but doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Has anyone heard of a book like this? It seems so weird. Oh well. Like I said, I've scoured the internest pretty well, but haven't found anything.

Well, that's the update for now. I'll write some more later.

some days are better than others

2005-01-18T11:20:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone.

Well, I'm back at work today. I'm actually feeling a bit better today. Or at least, for now. It comes and goes. I'm trying to take the advise of a friend, and see Carrie as a good thing, rather than something I regret. I mean, for a brief moment there was someone in this world you cared about me, and a lot of people never get to experience something like that. I know I never thought I would. So at least I'll always have that. And hopefully someday Carrie will be happy as well, and that's still important to me, even if I wish it wasn't.

But more on my weekend. Nothing exciting happened. Like I said, Erik stopped by for the night on Saturday. We stayed up late playing video games and watching movies. Nothing exciting, but it was nice to relax. No ghost apearances lately. I've heard some random noises, footsteps, knocking noises, or scraping sounds, but I assume it's usually either my overactive imagination, or the old building settling in. Or neighbors hanging new pictures. I mean, in reality, there are thousands of explanations for what's been happening that are perfectly reasonable. Except for the books and clothes thing. And the couch moving. but maybe my ghosts simply have OCD. You never know, right? :) But Erik and I tried the Ouiji board thing again, and nothing happened. I'm pretty well convinced its a big joke. Does anyone out there have any real experiences with one?

Sunday and Monday were mostly spent either sitting in front of the T.V. moping, or playing WoW. But hopefully things will begin to go better for me this week. Someone on the Blog mentioned the book I found on the street. I should start looking into it a bit more. It's still such a curious oddity for me.

By the way, I'm at work now, and we just got a pissy littel e-mail from the management about surfing the internet. What a joke. The worst part was the reason we're gettign in trouble is because of this stupid coworker of mine named Karen. Karen is a miserable short, fat woman who makes everything out to be a crisis, whether it actually is or isn't. She works really slowly, and ocmplains about everything. Well, she complained to her boss abot how slow her computer was, and how she felt like out internet security was bad, because she gets a lot of pop-ups. Well, obviously, the internet sites we use for work don't have pop-ups, so of course, IT took a look at her internet explorer history, and found all these stupid Wonder Woman websites she's been visiting (I really wish I was making this up, but for some reason she's obsessed with Wonder Woman), and so now they're cracking down on the rest of us for using the internet for "non-work related activities". I wish they'd can her. THey fired some dude about a year ago. He was one of the team lead's over here, and he was looking at some pornogrpahy (real smart) while at work. The way he got busted was our boss walked in on him looking at the stuff, and I guess porn sites these days are really nasty, in that once you close one window, two or three more windows open up with the same thing. So the poor guy was frantically trying to close these windows and more and more just kept popping open, all while our supervisor (who happens to be female) was sitting there watching him. I actually don't know if they fired him, or if he turned in his resignation. Either way, it makes for a funy story.

Alright, I hope you're all doing well, and keep the hope alive!

Sometimes I Forget

2005-01-17T15:27:00.000-08:00

Sorry Everyone. I haven't had time to update the good old blog for awhile. So here's what's all new.

THings are going well for me. Erik spent the night at my house on Saturday. And of course, nothing happened. Erik is starting to get pissed. He's convinced I'm making it up. But what can I do? It's not like the ghosts will do whatever I tell them to. We've set up some recording equipment, which consists of two microphones hooked up to my computer. And they're not running all the time. So I doubt I'll ever catch anything. We tried using the Ouiji Board again, which is hard to take seriously. But I decided I'm just going to sleep at my house, and screw the stupid ghosts. If they don't like me, then they can move out. :) I guess the shock of what happened a bit ago has kind of worn off, and the sick sad feeling of depression is seeping back in.

I didn't have to go to work today, since it's Martin Luther King Jr. Day. That's nice. So I've spent most of the day trying to play catch up in World of Warcraft, since Erik's so far ahead of me. I think we're going to run and pick up some Papa John's pizzas in a little bit. I think it'll be good for me to get out of the house. It's been awhile (since saturday).

My emotional world gets better and worse. Today, things started looking up, but around noon I started getting depressed agian. It's just kind of hard to keep going, you know? It's like I lost a part of myself. I know that sounds really stupid, since I only knew Carrie for such a short period of time. But it feels like I've lost all hope for ever having a relationship again. And I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to ask a girl out again. It's not like it turned out very well. So it goes.

Well, that's all for now. I'll write a better update tomorrow. Like I said, it just seems hard to work up the willpower to do anything these days.

Back To Save the Universe

2005-01-14T19:59:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone.

Sorry I haven't posted for awhile. it's been hard, you know? I mean, all these emotions running on high. Plus I have a really bad crick in my neck form sleeping on Erik's tiny couch for the last two nights. No fun at all. There's just so much going on in my brain right now, it feels like it's going to explode. Carrie, my Dad, the stupid Ghost. It's like my brain doesn't know what it should be stressing out over, so it just stresses out while my body goes into numb shock.

But onto the problem that I can actually do something about. So I've gotten a lot of good advice from people about what to do about this whole Ghost/Poltergeist thing. I've broken them down into catergories, ranked in the order that I think I'm willing to try them.

1 - We don't know what it is, but since it isn't trying to hurt me, I should investigate it more. This seems like the best idea to me, at this point. Video cameras (if I can get one) or sound recording equipment. I mean, if it's such an active ghost, maybe I can get some definitive proof! So basically just ride it out and see what happens, maybe it will just go away.

2 - Make friends with the Ghost. Tell it I'm not there to hurt it, and I want to coexist with them. This seems a bit out there for me. I mean, it's not that I'm prejudiced or anything :) but ghosts as friends? A little weird me thingks. But it might be worth a try, if things keep getting ugly.

3 - Get them out of my house through religious means. Excorcism, consecrated oil, cammanding them out in the name of Jesus Christ. Basically, pick a fight with them. Sounds scary, and too much like the movies.

4 - Get some incense, crystals, or stones that eliminate negative energies from my house. The thing is, I don't know how much I believe in that sort of thing. I mean, I do believe in God, though I'm not sure about most religions, but the energy thing? I mean, what do you mean by "negative" energy? It's not like in science there is positive and negative energy? I guess I just don't understand enough about this solution to use it effectively.

Thanks to everyone who helped me out with their advice, and I promise I'll e-mail back all the people who have sent me messages. I just have felt so overwhelmed lately. Erik's planning and sleeping at my place with me tomorrow night, and we're going to try and record some voices, or pretty much anything, and just see what happens. Neither of us has a camera, but Erik thinks he might be able to borrow one from his Uncle. I guess we'll see. I hope you're all doing well, and not to worried about me. :) Things will work themselves out, like they always seem to. I'm just along for the ride.

New Posters

2005-01-12T17:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I started searching around randomly in people's blogs today, looking for people who listed "ghosts" as an interest, and asking them for some advise about what I should do. So we may, (or may not) see some new people posting in JD's Space. And if you're here to help, thank you so much for taking the time to do so. I just don't really know how to handle something like this. But then, who does?

:)

More Encounters With the Ghosts!!!

2005-01-12T13:43:00.000-08:00

OK, so last night some pretty scary stuff happened to me. The evening started out like they all have since last saturday, me eating some dinner, usually some microwave dinner or something, watching a movie, and feeling sorry for myself. Then, I play some World of Warcraft to try and clear my mind (I find if I keep myself busy, I tend to stay in better spirits than if I sit and dwell on how lonely I am). I got really tired around 1:00 a.m. so I decided to go to bed. No big deal right? Well, first of all, I had a horrible nightmare:

I was walking through a crowded street. I could tell I was tying to find my Dad (yes, another one of my Dad dreams), but no matter where I look, or how hard I look, I can't find him. I'm literally running as fast as I can through this city, screaming my Dad's name, pushing random pedestrians out of the way (I've always wanted to do that) in a n effort to find him. That's when I notice someone is following me. It's a man, he's tall, has dark long hair hanging over his eyes, and he's dressed all in black. I start to panic and run faster to get away from him, but for some reason I can't seem to lose him. Finally, I get tired, and just turn arond and shout "What do yuo want". THe man raises his head, and his hair falls back from his face, showing his red eyes. And by red, I don't mean the cheesey sort of glowing red eyes, I mean his eyes were bloody red, with black pupils, and he was crying tears of blood down his cheeks. He smiled wickedly, and pointed behind me. Behind me I could see two other men, who were dressed and looked just like the red eyed guy, holding my Dad. They then ran off, and I tried to follow them, but they man grabbed me and held me down, laughing loudly in my face. I could literally feel his stinking hot breath against my cheek. And that's when I woke up.

I was then laying in bed, panting and sweating, when I heard my name being whispered. At first I though maybe it was my imagination, but it got louder and louder. it sounded like several (3-5) people saying my name over and over again, and they were either getting louder and louder, or closer and closer to my ear, until it finally sounded like they were inside my head. I got up and turned on the lights in my room, and the whispering stopped. As I was standing there, my eyes wide open, I heard seomthing loud moving in the next room, like someone sliding furniture across the floor. I opened my door, and sure enough, out in my living room, the couch had been slid across the floor about three feet. It wasn't a huge amount, but it was certainly noticable.

This, of course freaked me out. I called out "Hello" a couple of times, and no one responded. But what was I going to do, so I decided to go back to bed. When I got back into my room, someone had emptied the contents of my dresser onto my bed, and the books that had just been on the bookshelf were all neatly stacked on the floor in front of it. I must have jumped fifteen feet (i'm lucky I didn't send my head through the ceiling). I mean, I didn't hear a single thing, but there the books were, neatly stacked, and there my clothes were, piled ina mess where I had, only moments before, been soundly sleeping. I pushed the clothes onto the floor, curled up under the covers,a nd tried to go back to sleep. I probably only dozed off for a half hour or so the rest of the night, I was so freaked out.

When I woke up, the clothes were still on the floor, and the books were still stacked in front of the bookshelf, so I know it wasn't a dream or anything. It's just so bizarre. I mean, it's like my ghost just likes messing with my head. A couple of people have suggested I get a priest to come to my house to bless it and get rid of the ghost, but the problem is, well, I'm not very religious, and so where would I even go, or who would I call to get something like that done? It's not like I can just look up "Excorcism" in the phone book and give "Joe's Discount Excorcisms" a call. Oh well. I guess I'll figure something out.

On the plus side, I have barely thought about Carrie at all today. So maybe the whole ghost thing is a blessing in disguise. :) Catch you all later!!!

Not Sad Anymore, Just Angry

2005-01-11T08:32:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't updated for quite some time, it's just been hard to do much of anything lately. Especially anything that requires higher brain functions. Raw emotions seem to be the order of the day here in my world, and I've realized that I'm not really that sad, I'm just angry. Very angry. Every time I think about what happened Saturday night, it just makes my blood boil. But what can I do about it? Everybody probably has gone through something similar to this. Here's what I don't understand though, and what makes me so upset. And I'm sorry if this is boring to some of you. :) Let's say there's a boy in your life, who you're not really interested in, for whatever reason (he's ugly, stupid, annoying, whatever), so you break up with him. And, let's say this boy, is begining to come to grips with this, even though his heart is pretty broken. How on earth could a person be so cold and callous to call this poor boy, give him hope that maybe things will work out, leave it vague enough to make him think that maybe you'll be together again, only to break up with him agian in person? As if the poor boys tender little heart hadn't been through enough witht he first break up, now you have to do it again? Not only does that seem mean and vicious, but it seems pretty desperate, like maybe she's starved for attention, and is using me as a means to get it, by stringing me along.

Don't get me wrong, I mean, yea, she hurt me, and is a jerk, but the worst part is, part of me still likes her, and hopes that maybe she'll change her mind, and call me. Unfortunately, that's just the way I'm wired, maybe it;s the lonliness getting to me, or maybe it's just my desperation, but I'd probably take her back if I could. Now I sound completely pathetic. Does anybody know how I can get rid of those feelings? Everyday is getting a little bit easier, for the most part, some days are worse, some better, but I'm just so tired of feeling like crap. Running away from everything suddenly seems like a such wonderful idea. Still wouldn't change anything though. Today I've decided to try and move on with my life, not romantically, but just to keep going, keep breathing,a nd keep living until Carrie is simply a distant memory of pain, like when you get your first shot as a little kid going into school. At least I have good friends (Erik, Charlie, Sam, Nate, and of course, my new Blog Pals, who all are the kindest people in the world, with your e-mails and words of comfort, which I appreciate more than you could ever know). Not that it really matters right now, since all I want is to be held.

Damn...

It's Official, Girls Are The WORST!!!

2005-01-08T22:04:00.000-08:00

If my glum post title didn't tip you off, well, things didn't go so well with Carrie. We met at 7:00 at the Red Lobster. Even though I was five minutes early, she was already there waiting for me (a good sign, I thought at the time). We sat down, ordered our food (she got some snow crab, I got some crab stuffed halibut) and then we sat in awkward silence for awhile. I would ask her a question, she would give a short answer, and then there would be complete silence. It was killing me. How could it have been so wonderful between the two of us only a few weeks ago, and then all of a sudden niether of us know what to say to the other?

Finally, after our food arrived, and we'd both eaten a bit, making awkward small talk the whole time, I got up the courage to ask her "the question".

So what's going on between us right now?

She shurgged, and said "I don't know". She was staring at her plate, playing with some food, and I was watching her every move, wondering if this was going to be the last time I'd ever get to see her. Needless to say, it sucked. Finally she looked up at me, sighed, and launched into a long speech (it sounded really rehearsed) about how she didn't feel comfortable around me anymore, about how she felt like things had moved to quickly between us, how we'd gotten physical too soon, and how she just wasn't ready for this kind of a "thing". I was speechless. I mean, it wasn't like I'd pushed her uinto anything! Quite the opposite, I was hesitant to do anything with her, because I understood her past, and it was her who had pressured me into doing things. I couldn't tell if I was more angry, depressed, or hurt by her comments. I said "You know, I still have very strong feelings for you. I miss you every day, and I wish you felt that way about me too." She paused, looking at her food, and then said "But I don't." My heart fellt like it fell completely out of my body and shattered into a million pieces. So that was that. She looked up at me, and said "I'm sorry JD. I just thought you should know, in person, that this, you and me, won't work out". Then she got up, and walked out of my life for the last time. I still feel numb from the whole experience. I don't know what to think anymore. I mean, I guess it shouldn't suprise me. I know I'm not a very good looking guy, and I'm certainly as nerdy as they come. I guess I was probably just in denial, thinking that i hever had a chance with any girl, much less one like Carrie. Who am I kidding, I should just do the entire female species a favor and become gay. :) Well, I'm off to cry myself to sleep. Hope you're all having a more pleasant evening than I am. :)

The Ghost Report!!!!!

2005-01-08T14:10:00.000-08:00

Well, do I have an amazing story to tell.

So last night, Erik stayed iover at my place. As some of you may know, we were trying to investigate some of the weird things that have been happening in my apartment. I suspect it's ghosts, Erik, a complete geek, is convinced. Erik showed up at about 7:00 or so, and we ordered some pizza, as you should do when ghost hunting. :) So we ate, and then to set the mood, played some ghost/scary themed video games (Resident Evil, Silent Hill, etc). What can I say, once a geek, always a geek. At about 11:00, we figured it was time to pull out the Ouiji Board. Erik had never really used it before, it was one of those useless christmas gifts parents tend to get their kids when they have no clue what their teenager is in to. So, we pulled out the cardboard board (you can tell it's a satanic game, because of the high quality materials used in it's construction!) and lit some candels. Because evidently ghosts prefer candle light to light bulbs. For some reason. I don't know. So for your reading pleasure (terror?), here is an exact transcript of what happened when Erik and I used the infamous Oiji Board:

(insert gloomy/creepy music here)

Erik: (placing his hands on the board) Alright, let's see f we can get this thing to work.

JD: (Also placing hands on board) alrght, what do we do?

Erik: Here, put your fingertips on the triangle thingy, and I'll do the same. THen I'll ask a question.

JD: And this is how we contact ghosts?

Erik: Just do it JD!

JD: Alright, alright already (places fingertips on weird triangle thingy).

Erik: (melodramatically clears throat) Spirits of the deceased, hear my voice and listen.

JD: (snickers)

Erik: Shut-up dude, or this won't work!

JD: Sorry. Continue.

Erik: Spirits who are in this apartment. Hear me. Answer my call. Are you here?

uncomfortable pause

Erik: I demand an answer, are you here? Is there a spirit here in this apartment?

another uncomfortable pause

JD: (whispering) I don't think it's working.

Erik: Just give them some time. They'll answer. (clears throat) Spirits in this apartment. You must answer my call. Are you here?

another uncomfortable pause (almost ten minutes have now passed). Just as JD is about to say something again, the weird triangle thingy starts slowly moving.

Erik: Holy crap! Dude, are you moving that thing?

JD: No, very funnny though, you are.

The triangle thing points to the word "yes".

Erik: Sweet dude! I told you this thing would work!

JD: Dude, I don't know if this is such a good idea.

Erik: Don't be a pussy. Spirit, you have answered my first question, now answer this. What is your name?

uncomfortable paus

JD: Maybe it doesn't have a name.

Erik: Dude, shut-up. Spirit, what is your name, I demand that you answer me!

another uncomfortable pause. Then the triangle thingy starts moving again.

Erik: Crap, it's spelling something. b...a...r...o...n...b...o...b... Baron Bob? What the hell kind of name is Baron Bob?

JD: I dunno, it's your stupid Ghost.

Erik: Baron Bob, why have you come here today? Why are you in JD's apartment? (weird triangle thingy starts moving)...m...e...s...a...g...e.. mesage? You mean message/ He has a message to deliver. What is your message?

uncomfortable pause.

Erik: Baron Bob, I demand you give us your message.

uncomfortable pause. Then the triangle thingy starts moving again.

Erik: e...r...i...k...i...s...a...t...o...o...l... What the? Erik is a tool? Dammit JD. Knock it off.

JD starts to laugh

JD: Dude, it's not me, it's Baron Bob. And you are a tool. Spirits can only speak the truth!

Erik angrily starts packing up the Ouiji Board.

Erik: What a load of crap!

The rest of the evening was spent playing Halo 2. So there you have it. The terrifying report of two geeky ghost hunters. Absolutely nothing happened. How dull. Now I'm going to have to listen to Erik make fun of me for making Ghost stories up, so I could have him spend the night. I think he was hoping for some situational homosexuality. Kidding. Anyway, I'm totally nervous for tonight, and dreading it more than anything. I guess we'll see how it goes. I'll post an update as soon as I get back. Assuming I still have the will to live. :)

Tonight Is Fright Night!

2005-01-07T14:05:00.000-08:00

So, tonight the night that Erik is going to sleep over at my place, and we're going to stay up late and see if anything weird happens. Erik is bringing his old Ouiji Board, and we might play with it, if I can work up the courage (not likely). He's excited, I'm not. Not that I think Ouiji Boards really do anything. I mean, c'mon, do you think fisher price really has an "in" with the spirit world?

I can't get Carrie out of my mind. It's like, just as soon as I start trying to not think about her, she has to go and call me, and send me back into a rollercoaster of emotions. I'm glad it's the weekend, because it's really hard to concentrate on anything at work, but I don't know how excited I am for tomorrow night. What if she really does love me back? Or what if she doesn't? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not to offend my female friends I've made in the blogging world, but for the love of crumb cake your gender is confusing. At least with most guys, you mostly know what you get. They like sports, want sex, and drink alchohol. There's no real guessing game. None of this ambigious "Don't ever call me again; Oh wait, let's go have dinner" crap!

OK, sorry about that. Life is good, and I shouldn't complain. We'll just have to see how things go, and take them slowly. Wish me luck as an official Ghostbuster tonight. I'm sure I'll have either an incredibly scary story to tell tomorrow, or an incredibly anti-climactic one.

:)

Must Keep My Mind Off Of Saturday Night...

2005-01-06T11:27:00.000-08:00

Hello Gang!

Well, I'm at work, trying my best not to think about the phone conversation I had last night. So many thoughts ran through my head all last night. I couldn't sleep at all. So now I have a headache, and I'm stuck at work where I don't want to be. It's annoying. Plus, I have to sit here and listen to one of my coworkers complain insesantly about how our boss doesn't appreciate how hard of a worker he is, and doesn't yell at the people around here who don't seem to do much of anything. I mean, I agree with him for the most part, it's frustrating to have to pick up other people's slack, but c'mon man, litten up a bit! There's more to life than being angry and bitter all the time! Said the guy who complains about coworkers in his BLOG. :)

So I've been reading and studying more of my "mystery book", or the Behalah Book as I like to call it. It seems to be some sort of prayer book. It's really interesting though. There are lots of diagrams and drawings. Its fun, because I'm still trying to figure out what the heck the book even is! I figured it would be easy enough, you know, write a quote in google, and find a reference to the book. But I haven't been able to find anything anywhere. This, of course, only fuels my interest. I've figured out that the words aren't in Chinese, but Arabic. So its written in acombination of hebrew and arabic. Not that that helps me at all, just kind of interesting. :) Here's another excert from the book, in case anyones interested (although they probably aren't).

There is a graphic on the page, it's a six pointed star made of two traingles, and by each point on the star, there is a word written in hebrew, and then another word, a name, in english. Starting from the top, moving to the right, the words are: 1- Behalah; 2 - Tsalmaveth; 3 - Az; 4 - Lebab; 5 - Yalad; 6 - Maqwom. I have no idea what any of these words mean, but Behalah seems to be the most common name given throughout the book. It's also at the top of the star, so maybe that means its the most important name? Just a guess. Some of the random "verses" are:

1 - The Ascended Master, Behalah, the being of power that oversees the others, the greatest of the Hyos Ha Koidesh, shall come in terror and blood to mark the new awakening, the new age of mankind.

5 - The mountain made by man, the arena is set, the place of his birthing is known, and when is conciousness is made fless, all shall know the glory of him who is above this world. All shall know is glory. All shall know his terror. All shall know him. Behalah shall devour the weak and bring forth the just.

8 - I look to the east, and I see the great cities of men in ruins. To the west, mothers devouring their own children for his glory. To the south, rivers of black flow to his feet. To the north, the words Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh written with the blood of men.

Like I said, some pretty weird stuff. Any help figureing out where the heck this book is from, would be appreciated. Oh, and I almost forgot. Tomorrow night, Erik is spending the night. Hopefully, something weird will happen, and he';ll become as convinced as I am that my house is haunted. It'd be nice to know that someone else sees and hears what I am, so I know I'm not going insane. :)

She Called Me...

2005-01-05T20:56:00.000-08:00

My head is spinning.

I got home from work this evening, still kind of freaked out from the weird things going on at my house. So I decided to play some video games, to try and relax and get my mind off of things. My phone rang, and without thinking, I just picked it up, thinking it was Erik or something. So the conversation went something like this (the words in parenthesis are my thoughts, just so you know). :)

JD: Hello?

Carrie: Hi. It's me.

JD: ...Hey. (I thought she didn't want to talk to me anymore!)

Carrie: ...Um....So how have you been?

JD: OK, I guess (God I miss you so much!), how are you doing.

Carrie: Pretty good.

...Uncomfortabel pause... (What is she thinking? Does she miss me too?)

Carrie: So, I was wondering if we could talk sometime.

JD: Um...Sure. Did you...want to get something to eat sometime? (Does this mean she wants me back in her life? Was Lohan right?)

Carrie: Yea, that would be nice. How about Saturday night?

JD: Sure, that works. Let's meet there around 7:00? (Sorry, not going to put the name of the restaurant on the blog for the world to see until after the date happens!)

Carrie: That works for me. I'll see you then.

JD: OK...well, it was good to hear from you. (Please stay in my life. Please!)

Carrie: ...Yea. I'll see you Saturday.

JD: OK. Bye. (I love you!)

Carrie: Bye.

So there you have it folks. Just like that, things spiral out of control again. I'm as confused as ever. I guess we'll see what happens on Saturday. Any words of advice? Should I try to win her back? Play it cool? Or not let her close enough to me to get hurt again. I mean, I'm still heartbroken by what she did, and I don't want to feel that way again. AAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!

Something Is Definitely Goin on.

2005-01-04T08:47:00.000-08:00

the tEMPLE Has forgotten.

So I'm positive something is going on in my house. I'm completely exhausted because I got almost no sleep last night. Here's what happened:

At about 3 in the morning, I woke up becuase I thought I heard the footsteps again in my living room. The floorboards were slowly creaking, like someone was sneaking around on some hardwood floors (which is obviously impossible, since these floors creak weird if you breath on them!). I sat up in bed and turned on the light, and listened carefully. I was thinking that maybe it was my imagination, since I'd been talking to Darren at work about the whole ghost thing.

I was wrong.

I was way to scared to get out of my bed, so I simply shouted "Hello?" like a coward friom the safety of my covers. The creaking stopped as soon as I did that. "Is someone out there?" I shouted after a couple of seconds of silence. Still, no answer. I waited a couple of minutes, adn then, feeling brave (and stupid) I shouted "Whoever you are, you better get out of here!" and started to lay back down. That's when I heard it. Someone, I don't know who, but someone loudly ran from the living room, down the hall, and into the bathroom, slamming the door loudly. Literally, it sounded like a pretty heavy persona, basically stomping their feet as they ran. I sat there in bed for awhile, my hands were shaking, and I was sweating like crazy. I was totally freaked out. Eventually, I figured I'd better look and see what was going on. I cracked the door, and of course, the hallway was empty. I turned on the light, and walked over to the bathroom door. I listened, and there was no noise coming from the bathroom. I opened the door, saw my bathroom, as it always has been, empty. I turned on the light, and shuffled things around, but there was no one there. The only exit from the bathroom was a tiny window that no one could fit through. Especially someone big enough to make those loud noises I heard. Plus the window was shut, and the blinds were closed. Who would think to reclose the blinds and window behind them?

So now I'm totally freaked out. I mean, it's not like whatever it is tried to hurt me or anything, but still, I couldn't sleep at all the rest of the night. I'm soooooo tired. But glad to be at work for once. :) I e-mailed Erik about the event, and he said I could crash at his place tonight, if it's really bothering me that much. I may just do that! He said he wants to stay at my place on friday night, either with me there, or not, so he can see for himself what's going on. When he was a kid, he was obsessed with ghost stories (he used to always watch Unsolved Mysteries, In Search of, and all those other paranormal shows) so he's actually excited to see one. He wouldn't be so excited if he'd been at my house last night though. Well, I hope you're all doing well. And I hope your houses are less haunted than mine. At least this new adventure is keeping me from thinking too much about Carrie.