Scared and Tired

I woke up this morning, and there was something crusty on my lips. I started brushing it off, and it was crusty brown stuff. I looked down at my pillow, and it had dried blood soaked into it. I could taste the salty iron taste of blood in my mouth, so I ran to the bathroom, and sure enough, my mouth was full of blood. I rinsed my mouth out, and grabed a flashlight. I couldn't see any cuts anywhere in my throat, but it was red, and inflamed. It hurt to swallow, and felt like something was scraping steal wool down my throat everytime I did.

So I'm generally pretty miserable today. I'm not sure what to do. I mean, if could have just been a nose bleed, that leaked back my throat and came out my mouth, instead of my nostrils. I want to avoid goign to the doctor though. They'll just read throgh my files, and make me go back to the hospital for observation, to make sure I'm not hurting myself again. I know I'm not. I'm starting to think I never was.

The thing is, it seems like modern psychology is just another religion. Another belief system. Instead of blame being placed on ghosts, or God, or ancient demons, or greek gods, it's blamed on the little chemicals in the brain. But the brain is such a complex thing, I often wonder how much of the improvements people see in psychology are due to the placebo effect, and how much is due to the actual chemistry? Medicine has the same preachers, shouting from the rooftops that all other beliefs are irrational, and only theirs are the true miracles. And in the end, who can say who's right or wrong?

All I know is, I'm tired of all this crap. I just want to be back to my good old self, no more weird voices, no more scary sounds, no more bad dreams. I just want things to go back to the way they were. But I know they probably never will. I can only move forward, and learn.