Dreams and Daydreams
It's getting hard for me to tell the difference between when I'm dreaming and when I'm not. Things are so surreal for me right now. I think it might be because I'm sleep deprived, or something, but it's a very weird feeling. I had some more weird dreasm last night/this afternoon. Here's a quick synopsis of them:
1 - I giant black hand was reaching for me out of the sky, and no matter where I ran, or where I hid, the hand kept apporaching me, grasping for me, and I knew if it ever caught me, I would be destroyed.
2 - Carrie is laughing at me, as I'm tied to a table, and she's slowly drawing razors across my chest and stomach, leaving little lines of blood.
3 - I'm holding my dad's body, his head has a hole in the back where brains and gore are leaking out, and I'm crying, trying to hold his head together, as if I could keep him alive, or even bring him back from his self inflicted gun wound.
That's just a taste, but sleep has been sporatic at best. I have a tremendous headache, and even though I've popped five advil in the last hour, it doesn't seem to be helping. The footsteps and doors finally stopped, or at least slowed down to a tolerable pace. Barry's at work, and as I sit here, typing on my computer, something even worse has started. The whispering. They're whipsering my name, and it's driving me nuts. I'd like to run out of here, to escape and go somewhere else, but where could I go? I'm being watched, and threatened, and I'm too scared to leave my locked up apartment, and I'm too scared to stay. So what do I do? THe easy thing. The cowardly thing. I try to hide. I try to find a place in myself where everything is going to be ok, no matter how bad they are. I keep trying to be optimistic about everything, but the world is so relentless right now. I wonder if this is the kind of stuff that put my Dad over the edge? I wonder if he started being visited by a ghost, or some people started harrassing him, and he only saw one way out. I used to think I could never understand that sort of desperation, but now, I'm not so sure. My head is pounding, throbbing, like it's going to explode. I can feel my pulse in it. But I guess that at least means I'm alive. And that counts for something.
Oh, and I got called by work. I got fired. I guess they like you to actually show up for work, or at least call, and I've been so freaked otu lately I must have forgotten. Just what I needed right now. I'll just have to find something new next week. God I hope Barry gets back soon. Maybe then my hands will stop shaking.
posted by JD Peterson at 1:17 PM
3 Comments:
Did you get my e-mail?
Go to a Barry's house, go to Erik's house....go get coffee....get out of the house!
3:57 PM
Agreed (I think that's going to be unanimous amoungst all your friends).
I'd suggest some fun physical activity, and a lot of comfort food. Martial arts are a good semi masochistic thing to do to keep your mind off of things, and you look like you could use the serotonine (but expenses are a kick in the pants). I hope the next job is better too. You should try to avoid being alone in the near future because humans need to be sociable to be healthy, and the more the better in case someone or something is after you.
Boy if I was your friend out there, I'd get you back to a happy place with teachings of defensive tricks and arm breaking techniques so you could at least feel safer. Good luck though, because that's all I can think to say to you from here.
4:28 PM
My wife told me about your blog last night, although I had seen it on her links for a while now and popped in every now and then to see what was going on.
I thought that I would weigh on on what you are going through and you can take from it what you will....
First things first....your "mystery book"? is a Bible! It is known, if I am not mistaken, as "The Hebrew Lexicon" In other words, what you had quoted in previous posts as "Behalah" and so on and so forth comes from the Lexicon. Look it up at Barnes and Noble or something. You can even do a search on Yahoo for that name. It is not a mystery. It is the Old Testament in Hebrew.
Second: You do need to go get some professional help for what you are going through. I am not saying your crazy because your writing does not reflect that. What I am saying is that you should put the "ghost" thing aside, because I do not believe that that is what it is at all, and I will tell you why. Your "ghost" or whatever you want to call it, disappeared when you were with Carrie and then reappeared after she was gone. One of your fellow bloggers claimed that maybe Carrie had put a curse on you and that she might have been a witch......sorry, but I have to laugh at that. Carrie was just as confused about her life and the problems in it as you are about yours. She needs help, as do you.....
But, you are not crazy.
Now for my wife's comments on here that appeared to anger some including someone named Aimee (forgive me if I have the name wrong). If you look at your blog from the outside looking in, it does look like a horror novel in progress! I am not saying that you don't see what you think you see......or that what you say isn't true in your eyes, because it may well be....I don't know because I don't live with you and all we have is your word for what is going on! So, we have to take it at that.
My advice is to stick with the rational advice (get professional help and forget the notion that it is embarrasing) and forget all the talk about boards, witches, ghosts and warlocks........
And finally.....for Aimee. I think you are just helping perpetuate his false belief that it's ghosts or some sort of spells. I have run across quite a few people from Modesto in my time, all of which thought they were witches or warlocks. All of which were full of shit and their knowledge came exclusively from books! You talk a good talk....but you CANNOT be a former Witch! Either you are or you're not! It is not something you can give up at the drop of a hat. It would be part of who you are, much like a belief system that drives your morals! Also, don't ever threaten my wife again for speaking her mind. You can hurl all the insults you want, but it doesn't mean anything!!! It just shows how intollerant you actually are!
J.D. Like I said at the beginning of this....take from it what you will or just toss it out if you want. But, I believe that professional help will do you more good than talk of witches and ghosts....but that is just my opinion!
Also, check into the "Hebrew Lexicon" and you will find that I am right about what it is.....
11:44 AM
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