Things May Get Better From Here

Hello Everyone. Sorry for my absence lately. A lot has happened.

My Mother came to visit on friday. I had completely forgotten about it. Well, she called and called, and I didn't answer, and she said she was banging on the door, but I don't remember any of that happening, so she got ahold of my building manager, and he let her in. I guess she found me in the closet, with the door shut. I don't really remember anything of what had happened, this is all according to what she told me. I was sitting naked on the floor of my closet, hugging my knees against my chest, rocking and mumbling something to myself. I had cuts all over my body, and they looked like they were beginning to become infected. My face was bruised, and I had vomited all over myself. She said I had lost at least thirty pounds since the last time she'd seen me, and my face was sullen and pale, and I had huge dark rings under my eyes. The whole apartment stank, as nothing had been cleaned in ages, and there was rotting food and waste everywhere. She didn't know what to do, so she decided to take me to the hospital. As soon as she touched me to help me get up, I evidently (like I said, I don't remember any of this) started screaming and thrashing around, and then I blacked out. She called an ambulence, and they took me to the hospital where I was restrained. I was examined and interviewed over the next couple of days by many different doctors, and they finally agreed on a diagnosis:

Schizoaffective Disorder

I guess its a mixture between schizophrenia and severe depression. I'm sure there's some sort of website that you can go to to look up more about it, so I won't go into great detail here as to what exactly is wrong with me, but the doctors say that since the loss of my father, I have had a depression problem which I haven't been dealing with, hence all my dreams about death and loss and fear. They said that once I got close to someone (Carrie) who then left me, it pushed me over the edge, and I started to hallucinate. I told them about the ghosts, and voices, and all those other weird things that were happening to me, and they were very interested to meet Barry and to get his take on things. Well, they called my work place, and there is no one named Barry currently on their payrole. I know. It's hard for me to believe and deal with, but I guess Barry isn't real either. Their biggest fear was that I'd hurt myself, but after the interviews and meetings, they decided that some drug treatment, coupled with therapy twice a week would allow me to function normally, and that if my illness was treated, I was no real threat to myself or anyone else. So they have me taking some Zyprexa every day (I think it's about ten miligrams or so). It makes me a little bit dizzy sometimes, and my hands tend to shake a little bit, but otherwise, I feel a bit better. For the rest fo the week I'm going to be staying with my mother, and visiting the doctors every day, and then after that, if I'm doing well, I may be able to move back home, and try living on my own.

The voices have stopped, so that's a good thing, and it gives me hope that maybe everything will turn out OK for me in the end. I just kind of have to take it one day at a time for now. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been so kind to me while I've been going through all this crap. I've been just as confused and scared as all of you have been, and it's been hard for me these last couple of days, coming to grips with the fact that I do have some mental problems, that I need to learn to deal with. I'm sorry if I scared anyone. I didn't mean to. And I didn't mean to make anyone upset either. I'm just trying to do the best I can right now, so please bear with me. You are all the best, and I hope you're all doing well right now. I know I'm doing better.