Not Sad Anymore, Just Angry

Sorry I haven't updated for quite some time, it's just been hard to do much of anything lately. Especially anything that requires higher brain functions. Raw emotions seem to be the order of the day here in my world, and I've realized that I'm not really that sad, I'm just angry. Very angry. Every time I think about what happened Saturday night, it just makes my blood boil. But what can I do about it? Everybody probably has gone through something similar to this. Here's what I don't understand though, and what makes me so upset. And I'm sorry if this is boring to some of you. :) Let's say there's a boy in your life, who you're not really interested in, for whatever reason (he's ugly, stupid, annoying, whatever), so you break up with him. And, let's say this boy, is begining to come to grips with this, even though his heart is pretty broken. How on earth could a person be so cold and callous to call this poor boy, give him hope that maybe things will work out, leave it vague enough to make him think that maybe you'll be together again, only to break up with him agian in person? As if the poor boys tender little heart hadn't been through enough witht he first break up, now you have to do it again? Not only does that seem mean and vicious, but it seems pretty desperate, like maybe she's starved for attention, and is using me as a means to get it, by stringing me along.

Don't get me wrong, I mean, yea, she hurt me, and is a jerk, but the worst part is, part of me still likes her, and hopes that maybe she'll change her mind, and call me. Unfortunately, that's just the way I'm wired, maybe it;s the lonliness getting to me, or maybe it's just my desperation, but I'd probably take her back if I could. Now I sound completely pathetic. Does anybody know how I can get rid of those feelings? Everyday is getting a little bit easier, for the most part, some days are worse, some better, but I'm just so tired of feeling like crap. Running away from everything suddenly seems like a such wonderful idea. Still wouldn't change anything though. Today I've decided to try and move on with my life, not romantically, but just to keep going, keep breathing,a nd keep living until Carrie is simply a distant memory of pain, like when you get your first shot as a little kid going into school. At least I have good friends (Erik, Charlie, Sam, Nate, and of course, my new Blog Pals, who all are the kindest people in the world, with your e-mails and words of comfort, which I appreciate more than you could ever know). Not that it really matters right now, since all I want is to be held.

Damn...