Dream Journal

Sorry I haven’t written for so long….again.

It’s getting harder and harder to update this page. I don’t know what it is, but it’s like my brain feels….fuzzy. It’s hard to concentrate sometimes, and that makes writing on here much more of a chore. I used to love to update this thing (as you can see, I usually wrote at least once or sometimes twice a day) but lately….well….maybe it’s just that I have nothing to write about. Or it could be my medication. So I’ve decided to start transferring some of my dream journal over here. At least that will be marginally more entertaining for you to read than me talking about how I still am not really doing anything with my life. So here we go, here are my Dream Journal Entries:


-March 23rd 2005-


Dream #1
I‘m walking down a dirt road, that has lots of rocks poking out at strange angles. I’m completely naked, and the rocks are cutting my feet, leaving bloody footprints behind me. The sun is very hot overhead, and I can feel my skin getting sunburned. I’m not running, but I’m sweating from the effort. I’m trying to get away from something, but I’m not sure what it is. I’m thirsty, but I can’t seem to find any water. The air is dry, and it hurts my throat to breath. Every once in a while I see a person walking in the opposite direction. I ask them for water or food, or shoes, or clothes, but they just point and laugh at my naked body, and they continue on their way. Suddenly, my legs start breaking, and even though I keep trying to walk, I can’t, as the bones snap more and more times. I’m terrified to look behind me, even though I don’t know what’s there. Then I feel an incredible pressure in my chest, as if something is kneeling on my sternum, squeezing the life out of me. Then I wake up.

Dream #2
I wake up in the middle of the night, and Carrie is there. She is naked, and before I can say a word to her, she climbs into bed on top of me, and we start kissing passionately. She takes off my clothes as well, and we begin to make love (sorry if this is grossing anyone out). As we continue touching and caressing each other, her skin becomes oily and elastic, like she’s melting. Her facial features begin to distort and change, as if there’s something trapped behind her face or under her skin, and now it’s trying to burst free. She grabs my arms and pins me to the bed, and no matter how hard I struggle, I can’t break free of her vice like grip as her body continues to rock against mine. As she gets more and more bestial in her movements and vocalizations, her face begins to change into familiar faces at it twists and stretches and distorts, from Carrie, to my Mom, back to Carrie, to Heather (an old high school crush of mine) back to Carrie, to my Dad, back to Carrie, to Erik, Back to Carrie, to Barry, back to Carrie. Her face starts changing faster and faster, and she lets out an inhuman howl and sinks her fingers into the flesh on my chest, tearing gaping bloody holes in me, spraying blood across her naked body as we both have a horrifying orgasm. Then I wake up.


Dream #3
I am sitting in a small row boat with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. We are trying to spear a giant whale that has been terrorizing the nearby villages, destroying their fishing boats and killing the fisherman. We are all very (I can’t quite make out my handwriting here) until the beast finally shows it’s enormous body. We begin throwing our spears, but it seems to have no effect as they bounce harmlessly off the whale’s thick skin. Just as the whale is about to capsize our small boat, Matt Damon calls a helicopter on his watch radio, and we are rescues and taken back to the villagers, who are really Carebears. They are laughing and dancing and frolicking as we approach (I think Rafi music was playing in the background), but once we get there, they all grab machine guns from the bushes and take us hostage. They blindfold Matt and Ben, but not me. They make me watch as they have them kneel on the beach, and then one of the Carebears (the one with raindrops on his chest) pulls out a handgun and shoots them in the back of the head. Then I wake up.

Dream #4
I’m standing in front of a double set of doors. They are shut, but when I reach out my hand and push, it swings open easily. I step into the room. The only illumination is coming from the candle I’m holding, and it spreads out across the room. The room is rather large, and there are several bookcases lining the walls. The air is thick and pungent, and there is a faint dripping sound coming from somewhere in the room. There are two overstuffed armchairs, and next to them several coffee tables with miscellaneous books stacked upon them. There are several strange shapes hanging from what appear to be chains from the ceiling. There are doors both to my left and to my right, and the ceiling is vaulted, and quite high (maybe 15 feet). I approach the first of the objects hanging from the ceiling, and it’s gently swinging in the room. Whatever it is, it’s covered in a blue fabric. I reach out and touch it. It swings gently, and as I turn it on the chain, a human face, horribly twisted and lifeless, is now staring down at me. The chain is wrapped around the bodies neck, and the bottom half and left arm has been ripped off. The blue shroud that has been wrapped around it hangs open, and there are several deep gashes made in the chest of the now rotting torso. I immediately begin to gag, bringing my hand to my face and backing away frantically, I bump into another one of the bodies hanging, this time it’s a woman, her bottom half again ripped off (it almost looks like it was bitten off by an animal of some kind) and her left breast is hanging out, exposed, but her right has been completely torn from her body. Her purple face is twisted in horror, and her thick blue tongue is hanging out. Blood and gore is dripping form the bottom half where her legs should have been. I turn and run out the doors frantically, charging down the staircase they led to. I dash across the new room, stepping on some broken glass which crunches loudly under my feet. The first door I try is locked, but the second one opens easily. And then I wake up.

A Week Already?!?!?!

Wow, I'm sorry everyone. I can't believe it's already been a week since I posted. My how time flies.

Things are going much the same as they have been for the last few weeks. I still take my drugs. I still go to therapy. I still hang out with Erik from time to time. Life is a bit monotonous right now, but getting better. The voices are still there from time to time, but that's getting less and less frequent. I'm still fairly optimistic, but I don't know if I'm ready to go back to work. I knowi've mentioned I'm goign to call my old job, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Last night I had a really strange dream.

I was walking through a field of grey grass which was about waiste deep. The grass was swaying gently, only it wasn't in the breeze. I was underwater. But I could breath, and I could feel the currently gently pushing and pulling ym body as I walked. Everything was silent, as things tend to be when your underwater. As I looked closer at the strands of grass I could see each strand of grass ended in a tiny gray head, and each of the heads had a monstrous looking face, long and stretched, with mouths filled with row after row of razor sharp teeth. They weren't biting me, but they were moving their mouths, as if they were trying to talk to me, but they couldn't communicate. Then, they began to sway more and more excitedly. Suddenly, the ground began to shake, and about fifty feet in front of me, a building began to surface from the grass.

The rumbling stopped, and I could see the building surrounded by an outer wall. The outer wall looked to be about seven feet thick. It was very square in its shape, everything was blockish, and it was made out of a grayish orangish stone. There was a rectangular outer wall, with castle looking towers on the four corners (kind of like what a rook looks like in chess). There were stone steps leading up to the front entrance (which also somewhat resembled a rook, only a bit wider), and just over the wall I could see a larger building within the outer walls. I walked through the main entrance, and came to a stone courtyard which was open to the sky. There were symbols and docorations carved all over the floors and walls, and on this side of the walls, I could see many, many pillars which were holding up the walls. The walls weren't actuall y seven feet thick as I had originally thought when I saw them rising out of the ground, they were, in fact, mostly hollow. The main building was a giant cube, and the front of it had two giant pillars built into the wall. I was inexplicably drawn to the building, and I walked up to the large double doors. They were ornately carved with flames and fires, and a man's face. It was very pretty, but a bit unnerving. I pushed on the doors, and they opened. The main room of the building was dark, but light was shed into the room from outside. I could only make out two main features of the room, and then I woke up.

First, there was a giant statue in the back. It was a man, with his arms extened outward, palms upward, as if he were showing you the palms of his hands. The statue was glinting brightly, and it looked like it was made out of copper, or maybe bronze or gold. Some sort of metal though, that's for sure.

The second thing I noticed, after the statue, was the floor, and this was what made me wake up. The floor was made out of stone, but it was carved to look like hundreds of children. All of them had horrible, twisted expresions on their faces, and they looked so scared and miserable I started to cry. I backed away from the door, tripping and falling down the stairs (all still in the slow motion movement, as if I was underwater), and that's when I woke up.

Pretty weird, eh? I'll have to mention it to my therapist.

I've started a dream journal. That's how I remembered so many of the details from the dream. It's pretty cool to go back and read the dreams I've had.

Well, that's all for now. Otherwise, things are still looking up. Today is a good day.

Life is Confusion

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About life. About perception. About the way the human mind works. I think it's an interesting subject. The subjectivity of reality.

For example, if you review your memory of an event, long past, you'll remember thousands of little details, things that you are 100% positive happened. But ask someone else at the event, and you'll get a completely different story, a different perception of the same reality. THat, I think, is why so many arguements arise.

"But you said..."

"No I didn't, I said..."

My mom sent me some old videos she took when I was a kid at some family renion we had. My grandparents are there, and some cousins. What's amazing is how I distinctly remember the events, but I remember them being different, in subtle small ways. Like what t-shirt I was wearing. Or what my grandparents look like. But because I have a video, I know that it's my memory that is false. Like a small amount of censorship happens every minute. We weed out the information we think is unimportant, and store what we feel is pertinent, and the rest either blurs away, or is replaced by what we assume should have been there. Maybe that's kind of what's happened to me I mean, if reality is realative, maybe I'm not crazy, and everyone else is? Maybe Barry really does exist, but everyone else is mistaken because they think he doesn't?

That's the stupidest idea I've ever had. RIght, the only sane person is me, a complete loser who can't get his life together. GOod thinking.

It's just an interesting idea. I'm still not working, so I guess I have too much time on my hands. I just think it's interesting to think about my perspective versus someone else.

Something Wrong With Blogger?

I wrote a post for yesterday, but for some reason it has disappeared. Oh well. So it goes I suppose.

So an update about myself. Things are gonig OK. Somedays are better than others. Therapy is definitely helping. The drugs are as well, despite what people want to tell me. I think I would know best if I'm feeling better. At least, that's what my therapist is telling me. She really is very great. I always feel better, more normal, after I meet with her. I get to see her again tomorrow. It's amazing how close you can feel to someone, not because you've known them for a long time, but because you're telling them all your secrets, even the things you've never wanted to admit to yourself.

Tonight Erik is having an Xbox party. We're going to get a couple of friends together and play some Halo 2. it should be fun.

That's all I have. Sorry that yesterdays post acted so crazy. Oh well.

Seomdays Are Better Than Others

Can I Just Be You?

Someone stood up for me. I don't know who, but they do. They know who, and they know where, and they know when, and they know who they stood up to on my behalf, and I just want to say:

"Thank You"

It means more to me than you'll ever know.

Enough Is Enough

Enough!!!

Enough!!!

Enough!!!

For those who haven't noticed, I am taking the ability for people to comment on my blog down. There are a couple of reasons why I'm doing this:

1 - I'm tired of defending myself to people like Just Me, and Brandon. I am trying to recover from my illness, and all they want to do is argue over whether or not I'm telling the truth. F$#% you two for being so heartless. Whether you believe me or not, I don't care. I understand why Brandon and Just Me are so pissed. They think I'm making this up, and if that's true, then they fell for it. They weren't smarter than me (or whoever is writing this, since I'm not a real person anyway, right?) and they feel like they have to be smarter than everyone else. If you don't believe me, just read a little bit of what these two write on other people's blogs:

http://scarrletwidowsplace.blogspot.com/
http://pizzoff.blogspot.com/

Listen to how bitter, small, insipid, and petty these two individuals really are. Funny how two people who talk so much about Karma act so horribly. Fine, you want to attack people, you can go ahead and do it somewhere else. Not here. And not me.

2 - I started this blog as an weird sort of journal, but that purpose has shifted during the last couple of weeks. I'm trying to use this blog as a means to write about and work through my recovery, not to make friends. I love the people I have met here who have been so kind to me:

K
Lohans
Optimus Skiver
Alexandra
Lesley
Astrid
Rutharoni
Jerzee
Brydon

I want to stay friends. I want to stay in touch, and I will definitely keep reading your blogs. I just can't take the constant attacks right now. Maybe someday I'll feel well enough to take what people have to say about me, but right now, I need healing and time. If you want to talk to me, please feel free to e-mail me (jdsspace@gmail.com), and I'll definitely be commenting on your blogs. I'll miss seeing your thoughts, but this is the price I have to pay for peace of mind right now.

So from now on, there won't be any comments on my posts. I'm going to leave up what other people have already said, but from now on, any attacks on me or my friends will be deleted. I'm sorry it's come to this, but I'm to tired to deal with things like this right now. I hope you all understand and aren't to mad at me.

Schizoaffective Disorder Resources

So my therapist sent gave me some articles to read on the internet about my disorder, and I've done some research on my own in addition, and I thought I'd post the links here for anyone who is interested in learning more about what I'm going through. And if not, well, then just ignore this posting.

Schizoaffective Disorder Defenition and Diagnosis:
http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/52.cfm
http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis1/p21-ps05.html
http://www.schizoaffective.org/whatis.htm
http://www.schizoaffective.org/


Treatment:
http://www.mentalhealth.com/rx/p23-ps05.html
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx4t.htm


Zyprexa (Olanzapine) Information:
http://www.zyprexa.com/index.jsp
http://www.healthsquare.com/newrx/ZYP1509.HTM


Articles:
http://www.moshersoteria.com/response.htm
http://www.geometricvisions.com/Madness/schizoaffective-disorder/
http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2003/4/11/4127/09278

Erik...

Well, today I decided to try and talk to Erik, to apoligize for all the crap he had to go through because I was sick. We went out for lunch, and had a nice talk. He said he knew something was gong on, something bad, but he didn't know how to help me, and he was worried that he might start getting hurt to. Which I totally understand. I mean, I'm scared of myself right now, so why shouldn't he be a little scared, or put off as well? But he said he felt bad about basically abandoning me when I was going through all this crap. So we both felt bad about what happened, and I think we're friends again. I mean, there's still this unspoken awkwardness between us, but I think that'll go away with time. At least, I hope it will.

Other than that, not much new to report. I've gotten back into WoW (WOrld of Warcraft), and man am I behind! I was doing really well before, well, you know, before the breakdown and everything. But now, I'm one of the worst players in my guild. So hopefully that can keep me occupied, and out of trouble. Hope all is well on your end of reality!