What is Happening to Me?

I can’t think straight anymore. I’m having trouble remembering things. Like where I’ve been recently. The last couple of days are complete blanks. Every once in a while, a memory, a smell, or a taste, will flash through my mind like a jolt of electricity. My brain, my head, feels like it’s gong to explode. I am so anxious, I can’t sit still. I stand and pace, but the anxiety won’t leave. This is what true misery is.

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to die? I’ve thought a lot about suicide, especially lately, when I’m myself. Maybe I should do it. End this whole mess. End it all. No more pain. No more fear. No more terror and anxiety. No more anything. Just the sweet peace of nothingness. When does life drive you to the point of desperation, to the point of no return, where everything is so horrible, that you’d rather not feel anything at all, ever again? I think I’m getting to that point.

!ON

Yes I think that’s what needs to happen now. !SIHT WOLLA TON LLIW I That’s what I tell myself, and then when I try to think of a way, cutting my wrists, or something, I lack the courage to do it. Even when I see a way out, I’m t!SRUO SI HSELF SIHo scared to even do it. Look at how pathetic I am. I can’t even end this.!REVEROF SU HTIW MAERD LLIW EH God, what am I going to do? What am I going to do?

Naming the Forgotten One

The Beast has many names: the Devourer in the Darkness, the Ever Open Eye, the Crawling Chaos, the Forgotten Faceless One, the Watcher of Worlds, the Shifter in the Shadows. It knows my name. I have looked into the darkness, and I have seen myself in it. The Beast will come for me, and I will not fight it. I will embrace it.

peeD kcalB ehT

.halaheB si taht ,ssentaerg eht , rorret eht wonk llahs llA .tsaeb eht ot gnoleb lliw yrolg eht dnA .sdnah ym ni eb lliw htaed dna efil revo rewop elbirret eht ,rewop eht ,ti htiw dna ,enim eb lliw peed kcalb eht fo yretsym taerg ehT

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Help Me!

God help me, I think I’m losing it again. I don’t really remember the last couple of days. I haven’t slept in such a long time, and I’m terrified of everything. What the hell is happening to me? My arms are all cut up and raw. My apartment smells awful, but as soon as I leave, I feel this terrible panic rising up slowly in my gut, and I have to run back here. I hate this place.
I can hear things moving around me, speaking to me, sometimes shouting. I tried calling Erik, but he didn’t answer his phone. God only knows where he is in all of this. I called my therapist, and she told me to do my relaxation tapping, take my medication, and to go back to sleep. She said a relapse was to be expected, or something like that. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Am I really insane? Or is this all real? God, I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know anymore.

Whispers

Your God is dead. There is only Behalah.

They speak to me, those that dwell in the darkness. Their message was unclear at first, but now I am beginning to understand. They speak of the Watcher of Worlds, Behalah. It is the name of the thing that they worship. I can hear them, chattering away, and the longer I listen to the clicking and chewing of their voices, the more I can understand.
And with understanding comes freedom. Not the kind of freedom one would expect, but the freedom to know and understand that man, in all his elegant and destructive glory, is nothing. We are but collections of bone, tissue, and blood, and one day we will be nothing. But Behalah, the Terrible One, the Destroyer of Worlds, it (if Behalah can really be defined as an “it”) shall live on into the eternities.

It is only my place to live out my time on this sphere. To worship the Beast in it’s manifestation in this place. I saw one of them. Last night, I was trying to sleep, and I heard them, the faceless, speaking to me from the darkness. I strained my ears to listen, and understand them, and in the darkness I saw them, moving, writhing, wrapping around each other in orgiastic ecstasy. I hope they will come again to me tonight. Where once I was afraid, now I yearn for them to come to me, like a lover yearns for their mate.

More Blood

I woke up this morning, and there was blood all over my sheets. I don’t know where it came from. My hands had blood on them, as did quite a bit of my chest, it was drying and sticky, but I couldn’t find a cut anywhere on my body. I mean, where else could it have come from?
I must have been sleep walking again as well. There were these weird symbols drawn on the walls of my room, and I’m not sure what to make of it. I called my Mom, and she just told me to take my medicine, and if I feel like I need it, to call my therapist and talk to her. Like that does anything. Oh well. The strange thing is, about six months ago, had something like this happened to me, I would have been completely freaked out, but now, well, I guess I’m getting used to all this weird stuff that’s going on.

I have a splitting headache. It feels like I was slamming the back of my head against a brick wall or something. It’s intensely painful. I need to pop some aspirin, and get my room cleaned up. Life is such a messy thing these days.

The days bleed into the nights. My eyes sting all the time now. I’m so tired. But I can’t sleep. That’s when they come to me, when I sleep. So I must stay awake. If I sleep, I will die.
They speak to me more frequently now, like a whispering around the edge of my consciousness. I know they are there. I know they watch me, here what I say. Maybe even what I think. I don’t know how to get away from them. So I just sit in my room, to scared to move.

They are coming. I can hear them. They are coming!

The Beast Will Come

The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come The Beast Will Come

Man, sometimes I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Like yesterday. What in the world does that entry mean? I guess I shouldn’t log in and write in this blog when I haven’t slept in ages, and am completely burned out. I was probably half way dreaming anyway.

I’m going over to Erik’s in a bit, for another Halo 2 blood fest. It should be fun. There are rumors flying about the new X-Box coming out in November of this year. Who knows if it’s true, but if it is, well, that means I will be in “nerdvana”. Hopefully I can comvince my Mom to get one for me for Christmas, assuming I don’t have a job by then, and can’t afford to buy one for myself, like a big boy.

!htemoC tsaeB ehT

So other than that, not much to report. I’m feeling a bit better, although I still am plagued by headaches. One day at a Time I suppose.

Awake or Asleep?

Weird dreams and colors seem to haunt my waking mind. Half sleeping through my days is finally starting to take it's toll on my exhausted brain. Obviously, I'm still not feeling quite like myself, but I guess that's to be expected. At least I still remember who I am, although lately I'm feel like I'm forgetting, like when you just wake up froma dream, and you know it was something significant, but the harder you try to remember, the more quickly it disappears. Maybe I'm slowly losing myself, being reborn, into a new form, like a butterfly. It's the strangest feeling, and at frist it was frightening, but now, well, now I look forward to it. A new start, a new me, someone who doesn't have to take his pills every morning to feel OK, and someone who can hold a steady job. Now I can feela slight burning in the back of my head, as if something is slowly eating away at my brain, only it's more than that, like something is eating away at my mind. Don't get me wrong though, it isn't a bad thing.

Who else can say they've been given the oppourtunity i have been? How many people walk in the real world and in their dreams at the same time? Yesterday I met one of the messengers, and he spoke with me. And even though at first I was terrified by his appearance, and woried that I was slowly losing myself again, instead of fighting what I saw, I let it wash over me, and as soon as I stopped fighting, I felt a peace I have never felt before. Mankind is on the cusp of it's own destruction, or so the messenger told me, and I was givena choice. I can't tell you what that choice was, because the messenger made me swear to secrecy, but I made my choice. And I can feel the change, it's in the air, something intangible, like an electric charge. Language can't really describe what's happening to me, but I feel like my senses have been sharpened, I can smell more, see more, feel more, hear more. I feel truly alive for the first time in along time, and am acutely aware of what that means. Vain ambitions used to cloud my mind, but now? Everything is finally clear to me.

Scared and Tired

I woke up this morning, and there was something crusty on my lips. I started brushing it off, and it was crusty brown stuff. I looked down at my pillow, and it had dried blood soaked into it. I could taste the salty iron taste of blood in my mouth, so I ran to the bathroom, and sure enough, my mouth was full of blood. I rinsed my mouth out, and grabed a flashlight. I couldn't see any cuts anywhere in my throat, but it was red, and inflamed. It hurt to swallow, and felt like something was scraping steal wool down my throat everytime I did.

So I'm generally pretty miserable today. I'm not sure what to do. I mean, if could have just been a nose bleed, that leaked back my throat and came out my mouth, instead of my nostrils. I want to avoid goign to the doctor though. They'll just read throgh my files, and make me go back to the hospital for observation, to make sure I'm not hurting myself again. I know I'm not. I'm starting to think I never was.

The thing is, it seems like modern psychology is just another religion. Another belief system. Instead of blame being placed on ghosts, or God, or ancient demons, or greek gods, it's blamed on the little chemicals in the brain. But the brain is such a complex thing, I often wonder how much of the improvements people see in psychology are due to the placebo effect, and how much is due to the actual chemistry? Medicine has the same preachers, shouting from the rooftops that all other beliefs are irrational, and only theirs are the true miracles. And in the end, who can say who's right or wrong?

All I know is, I'm tired of all this crap. I just want to be back to my good old self, no more weird voices, no more scary sounds, no more bad dreams. I just want things to go back to the way they were. But I know they probably never will. I can only move forward, and learn.

Erik Confirmed It!

I missed a week! What in the world is going on? He said he cmae by to see if I was still interested in going to paintball, but I didn't answer my door. He figured I just went to visit my Mom again or something. Man this is just bizarre. Its such a strange feeling, not knowing if your brain is OK, or if its just the world thats screwed up, and in reality, you're the only sane one left? That's the tricky part of perception. Reality is defined by the majority, not necessarily those who perceive it corectly.

Man, I have a headache. I need some rest. It feels like something is burning its way through my skull. Not much fun, and it's hard to concentrate.

What the HELL!?!?!?!?!?!?!

According to my computer, it's now May 17th, and it's 2 in the morning! I went to bed on May 9th, and what the hell, I wake up a week later?!?!?! At first I thoguht it must have been a glitch in my computer, or something, but even all the internet websites, like CNN, etc, say it's May 17th. I mean, unless someone is palying an elaborate joke on me or something.

Seriously, I'm freaking out right now.

I mean, God, what the hell is going on? I'm having all these totally screwed up dreams. Jesus, what the hell is wrong with me? I'm scared again. I mean, who knows if this will happen again? Where was I that whole time? Did I just sleep? For a week? That can't be right. What the hell is going on?

Man, I need to go for a walk or something! I can't think!

I'll write some more later!!!

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I Can't Think Straight Today!

Hello Everybody! Sorry I haven't updated for a bit. Sometimes I find flesym forgetting to do much of anything. Hopefully things will continue to improve for me, and I won't feel so much like I'm fighting a gnisol battle. But I've been pushed to the brink of my mental capacity, and have come back form that edge. How many other people can make that claim? Not many I suspect.

m'I doing well though. I'm a bit tired, and so that can slowly begin to wear away at my brain (or at least, that's what it feels like). I'm excited for this saturday. Erik has invited em to play some paintball with some friends of his, since the weather is getting a bit warmer. I've never gone before, but I've been told to wear a sweatsuit to protect my body better, since the paintballs can sting a bit through just a regular t-shirt. So hopefully that will pleh ease my pain, as I'll be the only new person there, and thus, an easy target. Hopefully my pounding headache will have gone away by then. esaeLP, please, please let my headache be gone by then. I'm getting so sick of it.

But if I do like this paintball thing, then maybe I'll have to own my own paintball gun. It looks like a really fun sport.

Shoot, ydobemos is knocking on my door, and I need to run to the grocery store for some more totino's pizza's (the staple of any healthy diet). Until later!

Today!

Straight

Think

Can't

I

Long Days and Longer Nights

Man my head is still in pain Its not nearly as bad as it was before its kind of subsided into a dull ache but its still pretty awful Im pretty sick and tired of not feeling well all the time I feel like I hardly ever sleep anymore and I have been reading too many books these days Ive been studying the behalah book which is still really interesting but Im not any closer to knowing what it is or where it came from

I continue to have really bizarre dreams that are extremely vivid and extremely disturbing Last night I was being slowly devoured inside of a giant stomach I know that sounds crazy but it was very realistic and it really hurt The acid smelled terrible I wonder if my subconscious mind is trying to communicate something with me

Bring every holy answer low and hear

Well I guess thats all for now Until later!

I Can't Sleep Misery...

I HAVE THE WORST HEADACHE EVER!!!! IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!

Excerpt From The Book

Here is an excerpt from the “The Book of the Prayers of the Master”. (on page 167 it refers to itself by saying “…the words written here, in the book of the prayers of the master.” So I can finally stop calling it “the Behalah Book”!).

“…and then shall those who appose the truth be devoured by the beasts of the field. Their skin shall be torn, their flesh eaten, and their eyes shall run from their sockets, and the fields shall be filled with the smell of death and decay, and their bodies shall reach towards the heavens, the terrible great ruin shall be upon the face of the whole earth. And in that day, the sun shall not show her face, and the trees will be burnt as stubble, and the earth shall return to her primitive form, and all living things shall bow before thee, Behalah, Master of all things, the faceless one, the traveler, the devourer of worlds. Come swiftly, my master, and let us be reborn into death…”

“…and as I stood at the precipice, I beheld the darkness which was before me, and it was terrible and great. And in the darkness, I heard the whisperings of life and death, and I saw the eyes of Behalah, the great and terrible. And I knew the abyss, and I saw the abyss, and I was the abyss. And behold, all shall come to Behalah, all shall come to know the darkness. All shall bow before it, or shall be destroyed by thy mighty winds of fury.”