Not Feeling Well

Sorry I didn’t etirw anything yesterday. I’ve been really sick, nauseous and dizzy, and it’s made efil miserable. I’ve slept a lot, and I probably will go back to bed after I finish siht update. I don’t know why m’I feeling so sick. Maybe I caught a virus or something. It skcus. I haven’t been throwing up though, it’s just kind of a headache, and lightheadedness.

Other than that, there’s not much to troper. I’ve been reading the Behalah book again. It’s so interesting, and so hard to understand, esuaceb so much of it is written in Hebrew. It definitely doesn’t kool like the old testament though. I grabbed my old, almost deneponu copy of the Bible that my Mom gave me years ago for a birthday present (yea, just what a young kid wants, a ypoc of the Bible!!!) and the structure is nothing alike, and the “verses” have only a cursory similarity in emos places.

So eht mystery remains. I’ll write an excerpt from the book later when I’m feeling a bit retteb. I hope you’re lla doing well. If anyone’s even reading anymore.

Longest Night Ever!

Boy did I have a terribel noghts sleep last night! Even though I know I'm somewhat crazy, and the things in my head aren't really there, that doesn't make them any easier to ignore. Half the night last night I spent lying awake in my bedroom, staring at the cieling, listening to two male voices having a conversation in a weird foreign language. At about 3 in the morning, I got sick of it and went out to the couch to sleep there. Lovly sounding way to spend the night, isn't it? After I moved to the couch, things were better, and the voices wer emuffled, like two people talking in the room next to me. However, ever once in awhile, one of them would start shouting, and it would wake me up. I probably didn't get to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time, or at least, that's what it felt like.

So now I'm tired out of my mind, and I have a splitting headache. Tonight I'm supposed to play WoW with Erik, and we've been planning a huge raid on the relatively nearby Orc Village. Oh Yeah!

By the way, I've decided to not get a new job. Each time I think about doing it, or calling ym old employer to see if I can get my old job back, the voices in my head seem to get louder. Well, I think that's kind of a sign that I'm not quite ready to go back tot he stress of working. Obviously I can't live off my mom for forever, but I think, after all the crap I've been through, it's OK for me to take some time of. Reality is just so confusing sometimes.

So that's the update from one tired JD. However, I shall write more later, if I have anything itneresting to write. I probably won't though. Pretty much my life is boring. Everyday I play video games, smoke a little, read some books, and watch some T.V. Ever wonder if your life is as boring as mine? Dang, I'm a dullard!

Creepy Goings On...

So last night I had that uber-weird dream. Well, part of it struck me as really, really unusual, when he started talking about the book, and how the book had chosen me.

Well, it got me thinking. Awhile ago, someone told me that if I tried to get rid of the Ouija board Erik and I had been fiddling with, it would come back. Well, I threw it away,a nd it never came back, so I guess that person was either wrong or nuts. Just like me! :) But I was wondering about that book I found ages ago, the Behalah Book. It's been in my dreams a couple of times, in some form or another. Anyway, my house is a total mess, so I decided to do a cleaning of the entire place, top to bottom. At least, that was the excuse, the real reason I wanted to do this was to see if maybe the Book was still here in the apartment somehow. You know, some wort of creepy, twilight zoney type thing.

"The Book you can't get rid of".

I guess that's probably the title of what would be the most boring twilight zone episode ever written. But the really creepy part?

I foudn the book.

No, I'm not kidding. It wasn't on my bookshelf, or anything obvious like that. It was wedged behind my garbage can under the sink and the back wall. I guess when I went to throw it away, I must have missed, and instead of getting it in my garbage, it fell back behind it. I never woudl have found it either, had I decided not to do the total cleaning fest. I had taken that garbage out amillion times, but the cupboard I keep it in is filled with junk, old paper bags from teh grocery store, dishwashing detergent boxes, my recycling bag, and miscelanious other things. There was a lot of other garbage, and the book was practuically buried in old used kleenex. So I guess you could chalk this up to either, "mysterious creepy supernatural forces" or "JD is a disgusting slob". One of the two.

Either way, it's a weird coincidence, to have had a dream about the book, and to have found it the very next day. Or did it find me? :) Just kidding. That's the old crazy JD talking. I know it's just a coincidence, I tried to throw away an old book, which someone told me was a hebrew version of the new testament (or, at least according to their translation, which I wouldn't put too much merit into, since it was mostly using internet resources, and they turned out to be less than nice people anyway), but I'm going to read the book and see what I can understadn from the english parts.

Well, I hope you're all doing well. I just though I throw out the "weird creepy" update. I hoep you're all having a wonderful week!

The Stangest Dream I've Ever Had

I'm sorry to do this, to write another lengthy entry about a dream I had last night, but it was really bizarre, and it kind of scared me. Not the sort of, jolt out of bed with a fast heartbeat because an axe murderer was after me sort of dream, but it scared me because it was disturbing, and didn't feel like a dream. It felt real. I know it couldn't have been, but it really, really felt like it was.

Anyway, here's the dream:

It started off a lot like my old nightmares/hallucinations would. I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep. I was in that strange, dreamlike trance, where you’re really tired, but not quite asleep, and it almost feels like your brain is spinning upward in your skull. Just as I was about to drift off, I heard a knocking at my front door. I got out of bed, threw on some gray boxer pants I have, and walked into the living room. I was still groggy and tired, and my eyes felt swollen and sleepy. I heard a knock again at the front door, and I went to look out into the hallway to see who it was. There was no one standing in the Hallway, at least that I could see through the peephole, so I kind of shrugged my shoulders and walked away to go back to bed.

As I was going to the hallway to go back to my bedroom, there was another knock at the door. I walked to the door and opened it. The hallway was perfectly still, which isn’t too abnormal given the time (it must have been around 2 O’clock a.m. or so), with a few scattered children’s toys from the neighbors sitting on the plaid dirty carpeting. At the end of the hallway near the staircase which leads down to the exits was a man. He was dressed in what looked like black leather pants, an extremely tight black long sleeve shirt, and he was wearing a strange frowning clown mask that covered his face.

I stood there staring at him, completely surprised, and having no idea of what this was, or what I should do. He then held his hand out and gestured for me to follow him, and he started quickly walking down the stairs. I looked back at my apartment, and then decided “Why the hell not?” and half ran, half walked to try and catch up to him. When I exited the building into the street, he was already half way down the block. I couldn’t believe how quickly he was moving, even though he was never running (it’s that weird kind of dream reality, where impossible things happen). Anyway, he kept walking, and suddenly took a sharp turn into an alleyway between several old apartment buildings near my place. I started to jog, trying to catch up to him. When I turned into the alley, I could see he had stopped about halfway in. It was hard to make out his form exactly, he was crouching near on of the buildings, and he was reaching out his hand, which disappeared into the black shadows in front of him. It looked like there was someone lying on the ground, leaning against the wall at his feet. Their legs were the only thing exposed by the light, on either side of the Man I had followed’s crouched form. They had some brown trousers with brown leather dress shoes on.

I tentatively started walking forward, towards the man I had followed, when the person lying near his feet (I could make the form out much better now) began to shake and convulse violently. It looked like the Man I followed was choking him, or holding his throat. I started walking towards him much faster, to see if I could possible help. Then I saw something really strange. Thick, black grey tentacles were writhing up the Man I had followed’s arm. They were about an inch thick, and there where four or five of them, moving and sliding, grasping his arm tightly. I could see something happening to the form in the shadow, it was moving and shifting, but I couldn’t quite see what was happening. I stopped dead in my tracks. I could hear what sounded like bones cracking, or shifting as the tentacles continued to writhe, and the two legs which were exposed to light continued to shake. Suddenly, I could see a couple of very small tentacles (they must have been about as thick around as a straw) flipping and twirling through the air. They were long enough that they were breaching the light, which was why I could make them out in the dim alley, but they disappeared into the terrible darkness behind them.

I was absolutely terrified. The bone cracking noise continued, along with a tearing sound, and the legs were pulled into the shadowy mass. I stumbled backwards, to terrified to even speak. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I knew it wasn’t a good thing. I’ve had monster dreams before, but nothing like this. This was really terrifying. As I backed away, I bumped intoa figure. I turned around, jumping, and there were three more men (or at least, I think they were men) dressed in the same way as the man I had followed. They were standing in front of the entrance to the alley, they white clown masks glinting wickedly in the yellow orange street lamp overhead.

“Who are you?” I asked. As my voice broke the stillness of the alleyway, the tentacles withdrew from the Man I had followed’s arms into the shadow, which a loud sucking noise, and then everything was silent. The three men standing in my way didn’t respond, but continued to watch me coolly, as I backed away from them towards the brick wall of the alley. I started to slowly move away, and they kept watching me, their heads slowly turning to follow me.

“What do you want from me?” I asked in desperation. I tried to make my voice sound confidant, but I could feel it crack and jump from the mixture of intense fear and adrenaline coursing through my body. One of the masked men standing near me finally spoke.

“You have been chosen my young friend. Chosen to understand and be awoken. The book has chosen you. It has never left you. It will never leave you. Read, and learn from it. Shed this mortal skin with which you mask your true self.”

I continued to back away from them, and they watched me go. Once I was out of the alley, I turned and ran back to my apartment. I was really tired, so I laid back down in bed and went to sleep.

And that was the end of my dream. I had a couple more dreams that night, but none of them as vivid as this one was. I need to pick up some books on dream interpretation to figure out what the hell my subconscious mind is trying to tell me. It just felt soooo real. I dunno, I’m sure with time it’ll fade in my mind. I should try to go back to bed and get some more rest. It’s, wow, only like 4:30 in the morning. I just wanted to get al this stuff down while it’s still fresh in my brain. I have kind of a headache, so maybe some sleep will do me good. Sleep without any more dreams like that one anyway.

What day is it?

I realized today that since I quit my job, I'm extremely unaware of the date, and what day of the week it is. Heck, I usually don't even know what time it is. I mean, daylight savings was what, a few weeks ago, and I didn't even realize it until I tried to call last night to get some pizza delivered to Erik and I, and I got in an arguement with the guy at the pizza place, because he said they had just closed. Turned out he was right, I just didn't know what time it was.

But life continues. I've started having very vivid dreams. I don't think I'll write about them just yet, because I just finished working on the Dream Journal entries, and I'm sure everyone is sick of them, but my dreams are getting more and more...well, real feeling. I don't know if that makes sense, but they're becoming longer and longer, and more and more vivid. Sometimes I'll wake up after having a particularly intense dream, and I won't know if I'm still dreaming, or if I'm awake. Sometimes it feels like my dreams are more real than my actual life. I guess that's why I keep writing about them so much. I guess because of the drugs, and I've been feeling so numb all the time, that the dream world is where my emotions get to play out.

Or maybe I'm just a nerd who thinks to much about things.

Anyway, I should get going, Erik and I are goign to meet to do some raids in WoW. They finally have set up a reward system for killing other Players who are of the enemy race. So we've spent the last week or so doing skirmishes all the time with our clan. It's loads of fun. Almost addicting. :)

Quiet on the Set!

Man, the last two days have flown by. I’ve been feeling great. Erik and I are as close as ever. We’ve been playing World of Warcraft and Halo 2 almost non-stop. It’s been a blast. I feel like I’m starting to get some of my old self back, at least, during the day.

Sometimes at night things can get a bit ugly. I still can hear voices, and sometimes I see shadows moving in the corners of my eyes. Sometimes I doubt myself, and begin to wonder if I’m going crazy again, or if there really is something there. I mean, I know there isn’t, but sometimes it just seems and feels so real. Sometimes I get so scared I can’t even sleep.

But I’ll get through this.

No More Dream Journals....

Man, enough of the Dream Journal already, right? I’m sure, if anyone is even still out there reading this, which I doubt they are, but I’m sure everyone is sick of the Dream journal thing. So enough of that.

I still haven’t gotten my job back. I know I said I was gong to, but well, the days and weeks just kind of keep slipping by me. It’s amazing how quickly time flies when you’re not paying attention to it. I’ve been hanging out with Erik quite a bit lately. And I think I’ve found a temporary solution to my problem.

You see, for the past little while I’ve been, well, a it numb. I think it’s due to the medication I’ve been taking, or maybe it’s just a new phase in my life, where I’m having trouble feeling things. Either way, about three nights ago (or was it four?) I was over at Erik’s place, and well, we smoked a little bit of pot. I grew up fairly sheltered, and had never smoked any before. Heck, I’d never even tried a cigarette, so it was kind of hard to do (I coughed a lot), but after awhile, I dunno, it felt like my problems just kind of melted away. It’s not so much that all of a sudden I could feel my emotions again, or anything like that. But in reality, it suddenly didn’t matter whether I could feel or not. I just kind of didn’t care. Everything suddenly felt, well, OK. I’m crazy, sure, my brain is totally messed up, but at that moment, it was OK. I could be how I wanted without any problems.

I know what many of you are going to say, and I know, drugs are dangerous, I shouldn’t be playing with fire, it could lead to other drugs, etc, etc, etc. I know this, and I’m aware, but I’m not going to do any other types of drugs, and I don’t plan on smoking marijuana forever. It’s just, well, it helped me get through that night. I’ve done it a couple more times since then, and it really helps me get through my day. I don’t need it to, but man, it makes life so much better.

Crap! I’m late to go meet Erik. I’ll write some more later. Hope you’re all doing well. Here’s to feeling marginally better about life!

Dream Journal 8

April 10th 2005


Dream #1
I'm sitting in a classroom, and everyone here is dressed in black except me. I am naked, but not emberassed, and there are weird scars al over my chest. There are is no teacher, and everyone is sitting reading a book. I look down at my desk, and the same book is sitting on my desk. I open the book, curious to find out whats in it. It has a dark red cover, and something is written on the front in hebrew. I open the book, and it appears to be a copy of the Behalah book which I used to have. I still can't really understand what's in the book, but I feel self consious enough that I should read it. Suddenly, an older female teacher (she's maybe in her 40's or 50's) walks into the room. She stands in front of the class, and everyone puts their books down and pays attention. I do the same thing. She doesn't say anything, but just stares at me. She then points at me, and gestures for me to walk to the front of the classroom. I do, very much embarrassed, and I try to hold my hands in front of myself to at least hide some of my nakedness. Several of my classmates giggle or laugh, and the teacher glares at them furiously. She then begins to speak. "Do not laugh at our newest student here. Do you not remember when you first came to this school of knowledge and understanding? Where you not as naked as he now is?" she then turns to me, putting her arm around me "You should be happy and proud of your naked flesh, you virginal self, ready to be taught, ready to learn and absorb all the truths that you are about to be shown." I smile awkwardly at her, not really knowing what to do. She then unbottons the front of her dress, and removes her clothing, revelaing her nude body underneath. "Now, the rest of you, take off your clothing". The rest of the students stand silently and do as she asked, removing their black shirts and pants and underwear, folding them neatly, and placing them underneath their desks. She then takes my hands, which I am still holding in front of myself to save some semblence of my modesty. She puts them at my sides, exposing the entirety of my body, and then turns my body around in a circle so the entire class can see all sides of me. "There, now we are all naked together, and we shall all learn together. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud of your body, and be proud of your readiness, your vulnerability, and your desire to learn. Now please everyone, take your seats". I went and returned to my seat, and she then turns to the chalkboard, and writes some words in Hebrew. I can't help but stare at her nude form as she writes, different parts of her body shaking and wobbling, and as I look at the different nude females in the class, I can feel a knot of dread form in my stomach as my body begins to be aroused. She turns back to the class and says "Now then, who can tell me what this means?" and then I wake up.

Dream #2
I am standing in a room, and there are thirteen computers sitting on desks evenly spread out in a circle surrounding me. The computers are running some sort of program, I could quite read what they were, but it was somethng bizarre. I tried to move towards one, and that when I noticed that both my hands and feat are chained to the ground. Suddenly, several strange robotic arms rise out of the ground, and move towards me. Hundreds of tiny needles emerge from these arms, and they start injecting me all over my body. It's incredibly painful, and my body begins to shake and convulse and I collapse, my body wracked in intense pain. A Voice suddenly chimes in through some hidden speakers somewhere in the room, and it says "Welcome to the world of the future JD." And then I wake up.

Dream Journal 7

April 2nd 2005

Dream #1
I’m standing in front of what looks like a doorway, but behind it I can only see thick blackness. I’m not sure where I am, or where the doorway leads to, but something is compelling me to walk into the darkness. It takes me a few minutes to work up the nerve, but I finally do, step into the black nothingness that gapes open like a jaw, ready to swallow me whole. As I step further into the blackness, the door slams shut behind me. I jump, and a knot of panic forms in the base of my stomach. I want to scream, but my throat is dry and won’t work. Suddenly, a candelabra across the room ignites, and I am bathed in the soft glow of candle light. I am in a room, an older room, and everything appears to be covered in either dust or cobwebs. There is a table with a picture frame sitting upright on it, next to the candles, and there are several paintings against the walls. Directly in front of me there is a large staircase which leads up to a double set of doors. On my right is another doorway. Next to the table there is a coat rack. I walk over to the candelabra, the source of my light and salvation from the unending blackness, pick it up, and pick up the framed photograph. The picture is covered in dust, and the frame is made out of a heavy silver covered metal. There is a green rust or mold creeping in on the edges of the frame, and the dust is thick. I used my hand to wipe the dust free, but it leaves a smear of blood across the glass protecting the picture. I must have cut my hand and not realized it. I use part of my shirt to wipe the photo clear, and there pictured is a woman, dressed in a large formal gown, one of those old timey looking gowns, maybe from the civil war era? I’m not sure, but it certainly wasn’t modern. The woman looks to be in her mid fifties, her hair is pulled up in a bun, and her face is a scowl, her lips pursed in anger. Certainly not a pleasant looking woman by any stretch of the imagination. Suddenly, her face shifts slightly, her skin appears to twist and shrink, and almost decay and becomes skeletal, her expression suddenly changing to a wicked looking grin. I’m so startled by this that I drop the photo, and the glass breaks. I hear laughter suddenly, from behind me. I whip around, but there is nothing there. I next walk over to one of the paintings and begin to wipe off the dust. There is a man in his early twenties looking angrily down at me. He is dressed in a formal suit, with a vest. He has a mustache, and his hair is slicked back, and he’s wearing thin framed glasses. It takes me a minute to recognize the face, but it looks almost exactly like Barry, from works (or from my mind I guess). Underneath the painting there is a small, ornate metal label that reads “Sir Henry George (illegible, I think the word starts with an “R” or a “B”)”. I begin to back away from the painting, and I hear a voice behind me whisper “Welcome Home JD!”. And then I wake up.

Dream #2
I am in my old house, living with my mother. It's the middle fo the night, and all of the lights are off. I have a younger brother (for some reason) and outside of our house are hundreds of soldiers with machine guns. They're trying to get into our house to kill us, but as long as we keep the lights off, they can't come into our house. My mother and I are lying on the floor on the second floor of our house (our real house didn't have to floors). My brother is there, and I'm trying to come up with a plan for us to escape. Downstairs, I remember that my mom has several shotguns, so I ask her if she still has them. I begin to plan how we'll escape. I'll run out the front of the hosue with a shot gun, start shooting,a dn while I'mn distracting the soldiers, my mom and brother will escape out the back. Sure, I'll probably be killed, but at least they'll be safe. I stand up to go to the stairs to go down to the basement to get the guns, when I trip over the coffee table. My younger brother, trying to help, switches on the lights, which allows the soldiers to enter the house. One of them runs up the stairs, and I recognize him from junio hgih school. He turns and shoots me in the chest, and I fall over, dead. And then I wake up.

Dream Journal 6

March 17th 2005

Dream #1
I am a cat, and I'm running through an aley. It smells awful, of rotting, decaying food and other garbages, the sick sort of vomit smell. I run and dogde and dart in between trash cans, over the legs of bums, and through the alley. I'm not sure what it is that I'm chasing, but it's something very interesting. Then I see it. Pink string moving subtely behind a garbage can lid. I croutch, readying myself for the attack. Then I pounce, grabing the small grey mouse in my teeth. I quickly bite it's head, killing it. I then begin to devour what's left the bones crunching sickly in my mouth. And then I wake up.

Dream #2
I am lying in bed, and I am absolutely terrified, because I know there is a monster lying underneath it. I can hear it moving occassionally, and it freaks me out everytime. I hear a scratching noise, then silence, then a thump, then silence. I lay there for awhile, and suddenly I have to pee like you wouldn't believe. I peek over the edge of the bed, and don't see anything, but still I'm terrified. Finally the desire to unrinate overpowers my desire to stay in my haven, and I put a foot on the floor. A weird blue hand shoots out from under my bed and grabs my ankle. It's grip is tight and painful, and the skin is cold and clammy. And then I wake up.

Dream #3
I wake up in my bed, adn there are bright lights piercing my window, almost like the floodlights of a construction truck. I sit up in bed, and try to peer out the window, but it's too bright. I turn away, and I see two small aliens standing in my room. They're roughly four feet tall, grey skined, with large black eyes that look slick, or wet, and reflect light off of them. One of them points to me, and I instantly black out. I wake up to feeling them wrap some sort of ballon like wet substance around my body, and I have to struggle to rip a hole in it so I can breath. It stretches like a sick membrane or something, and they are draggin me to the window. The next thing I know I'm on the aliens' spaceship. They are draggin my accross some smooh metal floor, and into a room. It's hard to see through the sack they're dragging me in, but once I'm int he room, they take the wrapping off of me, and strip all my clothes off. I'm standing there naked, and the little aliens exit the room. The room is all white, but made of metal, only the metal isn't cool, its slightly warm to the touch. An opening appears in the wall to my left and a nude female walks through. She is very beautiful, but looks extremely tired. She walks over to me, and begins to touch my body all over and kissing me. I try talking to her, but she just shakes her head no, pulls me to the floor, and has sex with me. When she's done, she gets up, and wordlessly walks back through the opening, which reopens has she approaches. The door opens, and the two small aliens appear again. The grab me roughly, and one of them points at me, and I black out. And then I wake up.

Dream Journal 5: With An Update!!!

Wow, I apologize again or having not updated in so long. It’s just so hard these days to find anything to write about. Life is going on much the same. I decided to write today, because something strange happened to me today.

I saw Carrie.

It’s the first time I’ve seen her in a long time, and it really brought up some emotions that I haven’t had for awhile. She didn’t see me. I was at the coffee shop I initially saw her at, getting a bagel sandwich. She was there, sitting with a bunch of her friends, several of whom I recognized, others I didn’t. She was sitting next to a guy, and he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek a couple of times. It was pretty obvious they were dating, they were holding hands, and flirty when they looked and talked to one another.

I guess I should be more upset than I am about it. I mean, it’s like somewhere in my mind I expected her to be as upset as I was by the whole thing. But here it looks like she’s moved on. I guess I’m happy for her. I mean, she’s happy, and that’s what I should really want for her, if I’m an unselfish person. I don’t want to be angry at her anymore, I’m just shocked by how little I’m actually feeling.

I think it might have something to do with my meds. Oh well. I guess that’s the trade off for being mentally well. It seems like most of my emotions are kind of dulled, and I feel like sometimes I’m just kind of walking through life. Maybe it’s time for me to start going back to work. I think I’ll give my old boss a call to see if I can get my job back. I hope they’ll take me back. I need something to keep me busy and focused. I’ve had enough of this whole “living off my Mom while recovering” thing. It’s time to move on.

OK, I hereby resolve to write on this dang blog more, and to get a job by the end of this month. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

And on that note, here’s another entry from my Dream Journal:

April 4th 2005

Dream #1
I’m walking through down town Minneapolis. The scene is horrific. Dead bodies are piled in the streets, their bloated, purple skin decaying in the warm summer sun. They have bruises and open sores all over their bodies, as if they were ravaged by some sort of disease. The smell is horrible, almost overpowering, and I have to stop myself from gagging several times. There were people crawling in the streets, they would reach out and rob the dead bodies that had been piled up, and then, before they were able to return to the alley they had crawled from, they would begin to convulse, vomit up a thick, bloody substance, and then roll over and die. It was sickening, and I continued to wander through the city for what seemed like ages, trying to find someone, anyone, who wasn’t sick or dying. There were dead children, their throats slit, and their blood spilling down the sidewalk. And then I wake up.

Dream #2
I’m walking down a street and there is an angry (illegible writing. Sorry, sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night to write, my writing isn’t very clear) with a flaming back chasing me. There are several (illegible writing) with mushrooms and Brittany Spears is dead. And then I wake up.

Sometimes my dreams don’t make a whole lot of sense. Oh well.

Dream Journal 4

March 29th 2005


Dream #1
I’m standing in a stone staircase which leads down. There is a door behind me, but it is shut. I tentatively begin to descend the staircase, and as it twists and winds, I begin to hear several voices echoing up toward me. I quickly blow out the candles I’ve been seeing my way with, and there is a light source coming from the bottom of the stairway. My face is sticky with sweat and blood (I don’t know why there’s blood on my face and hands, but there is). I can hear the voices getting louder, but they aren’t speaking in English, so I can’t understand what they’re saying. I finally get to the bottom of the stairs, and it opens up into a large chamber, the ceiling must be at least thirty feet high. There is a large pit (maybe ten feet across) and in the center there is a thick stone slab, which is supported by several other stone beams that span the length of the opening. Inside the pit there is a large fire. In the room, there are several figures (seven?), all cloaked in brown hooded robes. They’re saying something excitedly, and then from a cave like opening to the right a figure, robed in black, enters the room. In his hands he is carrying a large book, and across the top of the book a large knife is resting. The seven figures in brown are standing in a circle, their arms and hands upraised towards the stone in the center. The man in black walks to the stone slab, gently lays the book and knife down, and then raises his hands as well. He then begins to chant something in a language I cannot understand. He finishes, and then opens the book laying on the stone slab, and he begins to read from it, again in a language I can’t quite make out (although it may be my paranoia, I’m positive I heard some “behalah”s in there). As he is chanting, the seven other hooded figures begin to chant something as well. He then reaches down and grabs the knife from the stone slab. He holds the palm of his hand and cuts it, and then clenches his fist over the stone, cause blood to drip freely into the center. He then begins to chant louder and louder, as do the other hooded figures. Then something very strange happens. The blood on the stone begins to glow a light blue color, and then out of the small pool of blood, two small blue glowing hands appear, as if the pool of blood were a hole in the stone. The hands pull at the sides of the blood, and the “hole” created seems to expand or stretch, and then arms and a strange looking head emerge. The creature then pulls it’s entire body out. It appears to be a human, except the only facial features it has are two blank eyes (no irises or pupils) and the figure is naked, but does not appear to have any genitals. It is tall, lean, and muscular. The figure stands on the stone, almost hunching slightly, it stands roughly five feet, and the chanting dies of. One of the seven robed figures the walks to the center stone slab. The black robed figure holds the knife out, and the brown robed figure drops his robe, and stands completely nude before the stone slab. It takes me a moment to recognize him, because his hair is different, and he has a moustache, but its Barry, from work. He climbs to stand in front of the blue glowing creature. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and stands with his arms outstretched. The blue glowing creature reaches out and puts his fingers inside Barry’s mouth. He then pulls his mouth open, and a slit opens in the blue creatures face. A long, glowing, worm like creature, which is the same blueish, whiteish glow, with small black spines running down it's sides, writhes it's way out of the face of this creature, and slides into Barry's mouth. I can see Barry's muscles tensing, but the creature holds him steady as the grub-like thing wriggles it's way down Barry's throat. Barry then collapses onto the stone slab, and the remaining robed figures begin chanting again, as his body begins to convulse and shake. While he's shaking, the blue creature clambs back into the pool of blood, and disappears intot he stone. Barry's convulsions eventually subside, and a strange scar appears on his sternum, like a heart surgery patient. After a few minutes of chanting, his eyes open again, and he sits up. The chanting stops and as the black robed figure picks up his robe and puts it back on him. Barry then stands, pulls his hood up, and the whole procession silently leaves the room through the cave like entrance. And then I wake up.

Dream #2
I am running through a thick sludge of mud. Only it smells really good, chocolatey even. I bend down and scoop some up, and it turns out to be uncooked brownie batter instead of mud. I stop, and start eating. I keep eating, and the brownie mix just keeps getting better and better, and I keep eating and eating and eating. My stomach keeps getting larger and larger, until I'm sure I'm going to explode. But I don't, I just keep expanding and expanding, until finally I am a giant sphere, and my arms and legs can't move. I'm sitting there, rolling around slightly, unable to do anything. Then these three good looking girls come up to me. I smile, and sort of wave as best as my now gigantic form can allow, and they just giggle, and start poking my belly. For some reason this tickles more than anything, and I giggle really loudly, and in an extremely high pitch. This, of course, only encourages the girls to keep poking and proding me, which makes me giggle louder and louder. They then tip me, and I begin to roll faster and faster down the hill I'm on. And then I wake up.

Dream Journal 3

March 20th 2005

Dream #1
My father is staring at me. I'm sitting in a small room, on the edge of my bed. I can see the truck pattern that my blankets used to be made of. He's talking to me about how bad I am. I 'm not sure what I did, but I know it must have been terrible, and I can see the dissappointment in his eyes as he lectures me about being more responsible and acting like a grown up. He then says he needs to give me a spanking. He lays me over his knee, pulls my pants down, and starts hitting me. It stings and is very painful, and when I look up, my father has a wicked smile on his face. He was enjoying hurting me like that. I decide to try and get away from him. I kick up with my legs, hitting him in the shoulder, and then ran, but I can't move very quickly, because my pants tangle up around my legs. My Dad stands up, and I can see his face flushing red with anger. He takes a step towards me, and then I wake up.

Dream #2
There is a gate. It is made from a black, cold metal, and it’s twisted, deformed design makes it look like a giant jaw that’s trying to open up to swallow me, only there is a lock and chain holding it shut. Behind the gate, there is a pathway, which leads up to a house. The path winds and twists through some thick grass and trees, and the house at the end of the path is dark. It’s construction is a Victorian design, and there is a large willow tree to the left of it. There are no lights on in the house, and it is dusk, so it’s hard to make out all the details, but it looks very dilapidated. I try to reach out and open the gate, but the sharp metal cuts my hand. As my blood drips onto the gate, the gate rattles and jerks, as if it’s struggling against the chains holding it shut. I reach underneath my shirt, and on a chain hanging around my neck I find a key. I take the lock in my hand, put the key in, as blood continues to drip down my hand from the deep gash the gate made. The key slides into the lock with very little resistance, and gives off a soft click sound as I twist, and the lock releases it’s grasp upon the chains. The gate instantly pulls itself open as the chains unwind and fall to the ground, and then all is silent. And then I wake up.

Dream #3
I am flying over the twin cities. It's glorious, and I can swoop higher and faster, in between buildings, like superman. I can zoom so fast my eyes are watering, and I'm laughing and laughing as I make huge loops in the sky. And then I wake up.

Dream Journal 2

-March 19th 2005-

Dream #1
My father is yelling at me. I can’t hear what he is saying, but he has me locked in a tiny room in the basement of our house. It’s not a room that actually exists, but in the dream it made sense (as it often does). Anyway, he’s furious at me for something, and I don’t know what I did. I think I’m a little kid again, but it’s pretty fuzzy, and hard to remember. Anyway, his face is getting angrier and angrier, and then her roughly grabs me, and starts ripping of my clothes. I’m paralyzed with fear, and he turns me around and starts hitting me all over my back, butt, and the back of my legs with his belt. It cuts my skin deeper and deeper, and I can feel the sticky wet of blood dripping down my back. But no matter how hard he hits me, I refuse to fall down. He keeps getting more and more angry, and hitting me harder and harder, and blood begins to pool at my feet, but I refuse to fall down, I refuse to collapse and let him win. And just when I think I can’t take any more of it, he stops. I’m still standing there, gritting my teeth, waiting for more blows to fall, but they never come, and I can hear my father sobbing. I turn around, and he is kneeling, his face buried in his hands, and he’s crying, the belt lying next to his right knee on the floor, and he keeps saying “I’m sorry….so sorry…..Please forgive me….” And then I woke up.


Dream #2
I’m standing in the middle of a desert, underneath a grey overcast sky. The sand is a deep red color, with some swirls of orange here and there, and it’s absolutely breathtaking. All around me all I can see is sand. The clouds are moving quickly, shifting and melting in beautiful patterns. The breeze is warm, and as it licks my body, I realize I am naked. I walk up to the top of a nearby sand dune, and sit down. The warm sand feels good against my bare flesh, and a feeling of contentedness slowly spreads across my body, until it permeates every cell of my body. It’s almost like the feeling of euphoria one gets just after sexual intercourse (I’m sorry for the graphic description, but it’s the only way I knew how to describe the feeling while I was halfway asleep). As I’m sitting there, feeling wonderful, a white robed figure is approaching in the distance. It’s hard to see exactly what it is, or who they are, because the heat from the desert is blurring the figure. I can tell they’re trying to come to me, trying to let me know something (I don’t know how I know, I just do) but they can’t get to me, and I don’t want to leave my perfect perch at the top of this dune. And then I woke up.

Dream #3
I am walking up a twisting, stony path which leads up a hill. I stub my tow every couple of feet on a sharp rock that juts out from the ground, and my left hand is inexplicably bleeding. There are several trees preventing me from seeing where exactly it is that I’m going to, and the long grass at the sides of the path wind and unwind in the wind, making a soft noise like rubbing two pieces of paper together. My forehead is sweating terribly. It’s getting dark, and harder for me to see the path, but I eventually come to the end. At the top of the hill, shrouded in the branches of a giant willow tree is a huge white house. Only the house is old, and run down. Several of the windows are boarded up, and there are no lights. The wind picks up, and the noise of the grass seems to get louder and louder, and it almost sounds like thousands of whispers all at once. I can almost make out what they’re saying, I can catch a few words here and there “Worship….Blood….Death….Birth….Shall Come….” Etc. But I can’t seem to make out any sentences. I walk towards the door, which is made of wood, but is large and twisted. There is a rusty doorknob, and I tentatively reach out my hand to open it. As I grab the knob, my hand begins to throb (the one which was bleeding) and burn, and the whispering seems to get louder and louder. I bite my lip to keep from crying out, and twist the knob. The door swings inward revealing a gaping blackness. And then I wake up.